Anti-social ?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Hound dog, Apr 21, 2008.

  1. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    husband has never been the most social person. Actually avoids most social situations. I've known this for many years. Since I'm not a super social person either, it's been annoying but not really a problem.

    But as he's grown older, it's become worse. And it's grating on my nerves. Doesn't help that he's the grouch of grouches either.

    Due to our money situation I don't invite the kids to dinner anymore. Usually, it's the other way around. But yesterday I'd put this big pork roast into the crockpot. I know that it's not something easy child makes for her own family as there are too many leftovers. So when I learned her mother in law had cancelled their sunday dinner, I invited them over for supper. Nichole had called from boyfriend's house about walking with us later, and I told her to come home early so the baby could have cornbread, her fav thing in the world. (they'd already eaten)

    As soon as husband discovered they were coming over he became sulky. By the time they arrived he was surly. Nichole, boyfriend, and baby arrived first. Aubrey was upset we weren't leaving for the evening walk yet, so I gave her a piece of corn bread and let her eat it in the livingroom at her little table. She was thrilled. (a first for her)

    husband had a fit cuz this 23 month old is getting corn bread crumbs on the table and the floor. You'd have thought he'd spent 3 hrs the day before cleaning the room.:2dissapointed:sheesh I told him to mellow out. I knew when I gave it to her it would happen. That's what a vacuum is for. When sister in law, easy child, and Darrin arrived husband acted like they were intruding. Made the same scene about Darrin joining Aubrey at the little table. Did not have a thing to say to the kids, did contribute alot of disgruntled sighing and under the breath comments. Complained that Darrin and Aubrey were diliberatly stomping on his toes. (their table is near his recliner)

    After the meal, sister in law got out the containers he'd brought along for leftovers to take to work for his supper. (3rd shifter) I kid you not, husband threw a fit. Made sister in law feel like he was stealing our food. I asked sister in law if he'd let me gather up some leftovers for mother in law, then he was welcome to the rest. By the time husband was done commenting, sister in law wouldn't take any.:grrr: Now, sister in law has done this for years. This is nothing new. And he's welcomed to the leftovers. Most of the time they sit in the frig and go to waste cuz although husband says he'll eat it or take it to work he never does. So he humilliated sister in law, and made easy child feel guilty for no good reason.

    Oh, and the day before, easy child and sister in law had a cook out and had invited us! husband sat as far from the group as he could get. I noticed but didn't say anything. But thought what the heck is he doing sitting way over there? (and I had to drag him along to begin with, same for his birthday dinner the day before)

    Might be different if this was an off day. But this is everytime the kids or grands are at the house. And I'm getting majorly fed up. I've talked with him til I'm blue in the face and get nowhere. He's either defensive or just doesn't care. His body language and attitude states clearly he doesn't want them there. And these are his OWN kids and grandkids.

    The grownups are learning to just ignore him. But the grands get upset, the same way our kids used to when they were little. And it makes me furious.:mad:

    So? Antisocial? Or just a major grouch? This is on top of his daily behavior which isn't much different.
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    What you describe is not anti-social behavior. It's depression.

    Jokingly in our home DF and I say we are allergic to people. Mostly because the more we go out and socialize the more we see people who don't treat each other worth a dang.

    I think what you are seeing is that he's reached his breaking point. He's older, he's tired, and he's like the loner bachelor bear that doesn't want to party, get into the drama of the day and would probably like to be left alone - in his own home,with his own wife - but never gets the chance.

    I'm guessing of course but I think he's reached his limit! I think you have too - but you just keep plugging along - because someone has to. -

  3. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I don't know what to call it, Lisa, but I'd be furious, too. You're certainly allowed to have your children come visit and not have to deal with husband. If he doesn't want them there he's more than welcome to go hang out outside or leave.

    My dad would always make a big stink about the kids and I visiting. Yet, every time I'd drive the 2 hours to get there my dad would either be working out in the yard, helping a neighbor or would go take a nap. And this was after he tormented the kids to tears. Last time I went was 9 years ago. He still makes a stink about me visiting, but I won't do it anymore.
  4. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    It's always foolish for a dad to keep a mom from her kids and grandkids. I'm sorry to hear he is putting a wall up between himself and his family.
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    No expert here, but this is much the way I recall my grandpa in early stages of alzheimers. Was almost like he couldn't stand for us to have anything fun and would take it away. Might check the website for other symptoms.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    If it's alzheimers it started when he was about 36. He's always been this way to a lesser degree. It's just getting worse (much) as he's getting older. I'd like to believe it's because the man is tired, but since it's always been there I doubt that is it, although it might be making it worse.

    I dunno. Maybe it's another part of the world revolving around him thing. But it's gettin' old fast.
  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It sounds like depression to me, too. However, if he's not social, you guys sure did a lot -- birthday, cookout, family over for dinner -- in a short period of time. It may have been too much. Even so, his behavior was inexcusable. If it had been a child behaving that way, the child would have been sent to his room until he could be civil. Maybe it is time for husband to go to bed until he can become civil?

    I'm sorry family get togethers are so trying for him. That doesn't excuse his behavior. He needs a serious attitude adjustment. Not sure how he would go about getting one at his age, but ..... Mostly, though, I'm sorry you can't enjoy your children and grandchildren. HUGS
  8. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    After many years of watching my husband be "anti-social" I just decided that it was his problem. It's really not my job to make husband feel comfortable, happy, or any other emotion. I cannot make things right in his world.

    I can work, as his spouse & partner, to make schedules & include him in on the planning of parties, invitations, etc. However, it's up to him if he wants to enjoy the company of his family, children, friends. I refuse to be apologize for husband's sulky face anymore; we just ignore him if he acts that way. Once I took that attitude, husband started to join in & have fun. Immature, maybe, but it worked.

    As mothers of difficult children, we dont' have the time to deal with immature antics out of our spouses.
  9. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My husband does not like social events where he does not know many people, but he does ok with family. I just don't ask him to go with me to other things anymore, I ask someone else. I think he sounds depressed, I know with husband's BiPolar (BP) it got worse as he got older, especially his sleep pattern and his grouchiness. The grouchiness and irritability are his major symptoms of depression, that and not leaving the house for weeks at a time unless I make him go to the store.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I've been practicing the art of ignoring with husband on this type of behavior forever. It won't stop me from inviting the family over ect. He knows it, too.

    I do know that trazadone made him almost a different person and he hasn't taken it in several months. He took it first to sleep after a painful surgery, I noticed the personality change and told doctor to keep him on it. It was as drastic as night and day.

    But husband won't go to the doctor. So no trazadone. And I'm stuck with a guy that makes the grinch seem cheerful.

    I think what irratates me the most is he won't dare act this way toward me. So if he can act civil around me, why not his own kids and grandkids? It wasn't like we had a house full of strangers.
  11. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Sad thing is...had it been strangers he probably would have been helping to dish up the leftovers to send home with them.

    That's how my dad is, anyway.
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911


    My Dad was a good man. He just didn't like people. We never spent the night at anyones home beacuse he did NOT want us to reciprocate. Once in my life I had cousins spend the night and my dad spent the entire time locked in his den, smoking and watching tv. It's just how he was. He was a quiet, hard working, devout man - who provided for his family and was happier to be alone with us than around strangers.

    We went places on vacations - but my Dad was pretty much either with my Mom or us. He wasn't like me - I can start a conversation with anyone. And when we went to family reuniouns he was so incredibly uncomfortable we rarely stayed long. And reunions in our day were men in a circle of chairs WAY away from children and women - talking, smoking and drinking beer. Because he didn't talk much or drink - We used to say - Well there's dad - smoking.

    He was a private private person. A good Daddy, but after children - he was a social hinderance to my somewhat social Mom. Mom started ballroom dancing without him, she did a lot of things without him. And I find myself doing the same in my life. I'm happier at home, where it's quiet with my family than I am going out to dinner because lately - it seems people are rude, and don't respect anyone elses space.

    If there were a term meaning anti-social without meaning what I've been told Dude will become? I'd use that, but so far telling most people "Thanks but no." has sufficed.

    I dont' know if your hubby is just maybe waiting for the day when it's just you and he? I think that's what my Dad had in mind when we got older - Mom said it scared her to death to think of them both in the house staring - Dad at the TV and Mom at him staring at the TV. So Mom started to get out without him - and Dad never seemed to mind.

    I guess what I am trying to say is Live your life. Do what you do for you. My Dad solved the problem of people coming over - we just DID NOT have anyone in the house. Sure we thought it was weird - but he paid the bills and it's what he wanted. Now that I'm older I guess I could be considered a non-social person in the fact that I don't care for people in my house either. With the so-called friends that Dude brings around - they are always checking out stuff, looking and it makes me think they are going to come back with their cousins or big brother and rip us off. Hating to be right - one of them is doing 30-life and the other just got charged with attempted robbery with a firearm - so go figure.

    I still think I'd look into depression for him. The fact that he can turn it on and off - I know people like that too - but still seems to me like it's depression. And with my Dad? In the end - after he was gone, Mom told us about a lot of Dads interesting ways - and never knew he was being treated for depression either. So it was kinda all telling then.

    I hope you find something - but don't sit and wait for him to take you places - YOU go. YOU find stuff that's fun for you and live your life. Enjoy what you can - we're not here for a long time.