Anxious for son and myself

Discussion in 'Failure to Thrive' started by Maisy, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    My son recently started therapy and the testing revealed that most of what he is dealing get with is due to life experiences. Which I do agree with. My son already blames us for messing him up so this is just fuel for him though perhaps therapy can help him. He recently broke up with his girlfriend so now his friendship pool is really reduced. He has an apt but constantly wants to stay with us which I cannot stand. It makes me very anxious when he is there because he is not working (says he is not able to right now) won't really help out, sits in his underwear smoking pot ( which I do not condone but my husband does, the pot part) and verbally gets abusive towards me if I say anything so....I told my husband he cannot stay with us anymore. I am hoping that therapy will help him become less anxious about work so he will go but I cannot make him. The day of reckoning will be upon him when his money runs out. Why am I so anxious about this? It is driving me crazy!
  2. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    What do you do when you want to do some tough love and your spouse is afraid to put his foot down? I am so done with my son's behavior and now we are having a hard time getting him to go back to his apt. My husband is trying to deal with this gently so as not to provoke my son plus he can understand my son feeling lonely but I cannot handle my son in my house any longer and I cannot deal with him because he gets abusive to me. I feel my son has to deal with his anxieties in order to grow up and move on but he is stuck in bad behavior patterns like avoidance big time!!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think marriage counseling.
  4. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Pretty obvious I know.
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet



    How old is your son? I agree that his behavior is not acceptable. Does he have a place to go?

    You should put some detail in your signature which helps those responding to you.
  6. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    My son is 23. He has an apt which he went to last night. My husband is telling him tonight that he can no longer come and stay at our house. He has some money now but when that runs out,? My husband wants to take the Nami approach of go slow but I believe that we need to let go.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    There is a reason that the NAMI approach is "go slow". You are dealing with mental illness, not a situation where the primary problem is addiction or even drug use (as they are not all addicts).

    The fact that him being in your home triggers your anxiety, is a huge problem. It means that you also have a problem, and mixing the two problems together makes the problems multiply. SO, in my opinion, you are not wrong to not want him there. You need time and space to look after you - and need to be actively doing your part in getting help for you.

    Adult kids with mental illness need a controlled approach. Not "babying" and not "tough love". It's a really fine line sometimes.

    This is just my opinion, but... yes, he needs to be staying in his own apartment. If he needs company, Dad should be going over and spending time with him, or more importantly, taking him places and doing things with him. Get him out of his rut. Him coming over to your house for the daytime, or overnight, isn't getting him out of his rut.

    If he cannot work, he should be able to get disability. In which case, his money should not "run out". You might have to subsidize while he goes through the process. But he has to step up to the plate on one side or the other... either get his but in gear and take a job he can handle (night clerk in a hotel, for example, or night stocker in a big box store... lots of low-interaction jobs), OR he gets approved for disability, to buy more time to get help and get going.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I think IC had great ideas...visiting him and taking him places in my opinion is perfect.

    Has your son ever been diagnosed with a mental illness? Has he ever been evaluated for something neurological, like Aspergers? Obviously he has anxiety, but there is usually a co diagnosis with that.

    Could he maybe buy a pet for company?
  9. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    We are considering the disability option. Just hope that it does not enable him. He is a great worker but falls apart emotionally and stops going. He has had various diagnoses over the year, ADHD, bipolar 2, personality disorder, unspecified anxiety and depression. He is a very talented actor but has stopped pursuing that. His emotions are up and down. He has had bad experiences with medications in the past but we are trying to get him back to a doctor to try again. He sees a therapist but does not seem to be getting much out of it yet. When he calls to say he is not doing well and can he stay with us for a few days, it tears me up. We recently gave him a time limit so he refused to come home.
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Disability is for people who can not work at a job that is life sustaining. Your son may not be able to hold a job because he is mentally ill and after a while he can't do it anymore. I don't believe it is enabling.

    If your son was in a wheel chair, would you expect him to walk? Mental illness can be even more debilitating than a physical challenge.
  11. Maisy

    Maisy Member

    Thank you for that. I am in the process of trying to find a good disability attorney. Any suggestions on how to find one?
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You don't need an attorney. He needs to apply and get turned down before you can go to court.

    Call human services and find out where to go to apply. Then gather all sons record and diagnosis. For me, they also paid for me to be tested by the agency's neuro psychologist. My son was not required to do anything more than use the info he already had.

    We were both approved. Son is doing well, working half days for three years now, in his own place and very happy.