Any advice....ODD behaviour in public?!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Jun 24, 2011.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Sorry...Maybe I should have already read this somewhere, but how do you handle it when your child becomes verbally abusive towards you in public, without aggrivating the situation even more....????

    I took my son and his friend to the sc8board park today...he didn't mind me sitting in the cold wind for 2 hours (I've just busy recovering from swineflu!).

    Then it was time to go when I friendly informed them that it's time to son asked why and said he really wanted to stay longer...but me being sick and his little brother at home...we really needed to go.

    So he started yelling at me that I'm stupid...I've got no brain....I can't think, ect.

    I just told him softly that non of his friends were behaving this way he stopped, but still pushing against stuff and very angry with me.....

    What should or shouldn't I be doing to handle this situation best?

    Just turning around or walking away from him will result in him screaming and crying and even holding on to me, pulling my clothes, trying to stop me. (This might still be ok if he was 3-4 yr old, but being almost 8 is also embarrising for him, afterwards...)
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hi lovelyboy. Suffice it to say that I recognise all of this... My son IS four but I have to say I find it just as embarrassing as if he were older, and people watching are just as disapproving/nonplussed...
    How to handle it? I just get cross and really tell him off. However much my son may have "ODD", I still feel I can never accept being talked to this way - or other people being talked to this way - as "acceptable". It isn't. And sometimes when I get cross he stops. Does this ever have an effect with your boy? I get what you say about him screaming and shouting if you walk away. Ultimately, though, will he behave like the 4 year old and eventually follow on, like it or not, because otherwise he knows he will be stranded?
    Sounds like you handled it well by talking to him softly, and he responded by calming down (somewhat). Do you talk about it afterwards? How do you plan together for this not to happen again? I guess one has to have some sort of strategy in place... is it like the four year old that you need to give a continuous series of countdown warnings before announcing any departure or transition?
    I hope others will post more advice. Hugs. It ain't easy.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911

    At 8 - time concept is like -----GONE man - it's just WHAT? But I'm having a good time - Noooo NOT NOW......OH YOU ARE SUCH A KILL JOY MOM! YOU STINK YOU KILLER OF MY GOOD TIME POOPYHEAD!!! Basically? You just ripped the arm on the record player cross his great record without a warning in a room full of old really cool people. YOU think? WOW I really went the extra mile and let him have 2 hours, sat in the cold, even with the flu, and drug his little brother out here. (Had to look where you were by the way it's like 100 here in the STATES) And HIM? He's Sooooo engrossed in what he's doing - you could have been bitten by a pack of wolves, drug off by vampires, and ran over by a BigFoot Monster truck and he would have never noticed. Literally you were on TWO different plains.

    The next time you go anywhere and he's playing try this - BEFORE he leaves to go to his activity - Look him square in the face and say WE are going to be here for ONE hour. When it gets close to the end of YOUR hour? I'm going to give you a 45 minute warning like they do in soccer matches. I'll just sort of yell out - what should our code be - You want me to yell "Trevor You have 15 minutes, OR Should I just Yell Trevor Or The word 15 - your choice." - Then let him choose. My son always picked JUST 15...

    Then (look right here at my eyes) When you have 10 minutes left? I'll yell "TEN" and no one will have to know what it means but you and I, but you'll know - YOU HAVE TEN MINUTES left to wrap it up. So make a mental note of it - because I will be ready to go without excuses or carrying on this is how the big guys do it - and I'm trying to make this a situation that doesn't embarrass US - Got it? And when I see that there are only FIVE minutes left - I'm going to start gathering my things to get ready for the car - and I'll yell to you "FIVE" and you'll know - so that this isn't such a shock and just know - you have FIVE minutes left - And when you have ONE minute left? I'm going to start heading to the car - I'll yell TIME - and then when you see me heading to the car? You need to tell your mates -"I need to go fellas - See you tomorrow." I belive you can do this because all the major sports guys stop their sports like this with a 15, 10, 5 and final warning bell - so I know you can do it too. It would be great for us to just leave the park no problems, and if it works great tomorrow? I think we'll go to XX for ice cream -

    Try that and see if he does better being warned on his time - and if he does good - even if he comes within 2 or 3 minutes - PRAISE HIM and say WELL DONE - lets go get ice cream - don't say "WEll you were four minutes late -

    If it does work out ? After about a week? See if he can wear a watch and set the alarm for him to five minutes an 1 minute - and see if he can stop on his own and make the prize something BIGGER - tell him the prizes will only get better - the greater he does.

    THIS motivation worked pretty good for Dude - WHEN he came home. It was getting him to come at ALL that was our problem. lol
  4. mazdamama

    mazdamama New Member

    I think Star*'s advice would work great with your son. My 10 yr old who has a diagnosis of ODD (plus alot of others) no longer plays any type of sports. He had tried soccer but did not care for the game or the kids...he liked the coach because the coach gave him special attention knowing of his problems. The coach did not coach the following year so my Daniel would not play soccer at all. So we went to Miracle League here where they play baseball but it is non competitive and the players are all disabled, either physically, mentally or emotionally. It has not started yet this year and I will have to figure out what to do there. He can be so dang nasty and mean to anyone and everyone. All they have to do is look at funny.

    I have the same problem you do but in stores. I hate it. This guy can be the nicest kid and helps me get what I need and then he can turn in a sec and start yelling and acting out. I told him that he would be punished one day while out shopping for his behavior. He actually walked up to a stranger, pointed at me and said "Can you believe her?? She is going to punish me when I get home just because I was a bit angry". Talk about embarassing. I truly hate taking him and his brother anywhere. His brother is an Aspie and hates going out of the house so he in turns hates shopping.

    I feel like making up business cards apologizing for my children's behavior and noting that they both have problems.
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911

    The thing about "OUR" kids? What will work today? Won't work tomorrow and then all of a sudden? It will work again. It seems like you can just draw a bullseye on the wall and BANG HEAD HERE until you get a nice grapefruit sized knot on your head - oh say until they are about 21, 22 years old (and I started with Dude when he was about 4 years old and worked tirelessly to the nth degree daily with every fiber of my being to get services, try medications, out of home placements, hospitalizations, therapist, doctors, school plans, IEPS, reading - I read so much we donated our books to our State and made a Lending Library to low income families and named it after my son), we did hours and hours of research on line, I had a stroke, my son ended up a convicted felon on trumped up charges, and today he's living alone, tatooed, pieced, unemployed, uneducated - quite brilliant acutally with some regrets about his life, mild depression, can control his anger - but otherwise in a good place looking for a job and able to keep himself together. Would I call that a success? Yes, I would. He's not harming anyone, he's not harming himself, he is figuring life out on his own terms - and I'm not fixing things for him or butting in, and yes it breaks my heart and yes there are days when I'd like to - but no I won't.

    I recommend this book like a broken record, but IF you really want to have a dialogue with your child - I'd HIGHLY recommend getting it. It's called HOW to listen to your child so he will talk and how to talk to your child so he will listen (or something along those lines) by Mazelish (or something along those lines - I'm not getting up and digging right now - BUT it's about EFFECTIVE communication. A LOT of us parents thing because we give birth we are AUTOMATICALLY endowed with the spirit of parenthood and communication and nothing could be further from the truth. Most of us lack good communication skills and ALL of us could use a brush up on how to NOT give a back handed compliment most days and not be snippy. We do it without even realizing. We are a nation of complainers, whiners, ME people. We say things that we don't even realize are annoying or derrogatory - and when you read that book? It will blow your mind to see what Grandma says to your kid that is SO out of whack it's a wonder your kids even want her to come to their next ball game. I read that part and I was like - OMG - I've said those things thinking it was a 'Hey you'll do better next time" and do you know how hurtful that is to a kid???? WOW...there are things you can say - that are encouraging and uplifiting to a difficult child - that are not - to their ears SLAMS - and get results -

    Try the book - it has workpages in it for you to do once a week . For me and my son? It started a communication that continues today and we BOTH noticed a chance in the first week -

    Oh and as far as the 15 minutes - 10 minuets 5 minutes 1 minute thing - ? If it works today and not tomorrow - Sit down with your son - when it doesn't work - AFTER A QUIET RIDE HOME _ DO NOT get him in the car and start with the BANTER OF ===LOOK I TRIED AND YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH - JUST go get him - OR - JUST DRIVE AWAY and leave him - Nope not kidding. When I'm ready to go? I'm ready to go and I've left my son to figure out HOW to get home - (yeah I was parked out of sight and kept an eye on him and called his Dad to go get him) Dad just pulled up in the field, TOOTED the horn and said NOTHING....JUST HIT THE HORN and stood next to the car and SAID NOTHING - THAT? Prettty much covered - GET IT IN THE CAR NOW. WITHOUT WORDS. And trust me - THERE WERE NO words exchanged, and when he got home? The only thing that was said - GO TO YOUR ROOM, NO SUPPER, See you in the morning.

    That one ALWAYS GOT DUDE. NO SUPPER. SO yeah - the lack of talking - and then the next day - WEll shall we try this again? 30 minute warining thing? And the answer was - Yeahhhhhhh. And it worked again.

    So whatever - you have to be willing to bend.

    THE ONE THAT I ABSOLUTELY want to smack parents over is that 3,2,1 rule - I think there is a book or was a book for toddlers - and I lined the canary's cage with it - My xmil gave me the thing - and LIVED by it - well ----NO....When I told my son - NO....I didn't say 3, NO, 2, NO, 1 NO......I said NO and meant NO. The day I threw the book out and proved my point with her was the day Dude tried to stick a fork in the electrical outlet at age 16 months....I looked at her and said 'Was I supposed to do 3,2,1 Magic or was I supposed to just SCREAM NO?" Her and the book ? Left right out the door. Most ridiculous book ever written.
  6. wintak

    wintak New Member

    oh Star...what a great story about his dad coming and tooting the words. That's great. I've ALWAYS used the minute countdown with ALL my kids (difficult child or not) and for the most part, it works well. I start with 15 minutes, then 10, then 5, then 3, then 1 then we're done. My 3 y.o. balks still, but he's 3 so I do expect that once in awhile.

    My 8 year old still throws tantrums like a 2 year old. I don't get embarrassed. Not at all. Anyone who has HAD kids knows this is something that happens and those who have never had kids give you the disapproving look. Who cares? I will discipline my child in front of strangers and if that promotes a tantrum, so be it. If they would like to take on the role of parenting the difficult my guest.... :)
  7. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx SO MUCH...we spoke about the 15-10-5 minute DS was willing and eager to implement it...Tried it 3 times and it worked well...little bumpy at first but much better...Both of us feel more in control now! But then...we're having good days at the moment! Yippee!!!!!