The thing about "OUR" kids? What will work today? Won't work tomorrow and then all of a sudden? It will work again. It seems like you can just draw a bullseye on the wall and BANG HEAD HERE until you get a nice grapefruit sized knot on your head - oh say until they are about 21, 22 years old (and I started with Dude when he was about 4 years old and worked tirelessly to the nth degree daily with every fiber of my being to get services, try medications, out of home placements, hospitalizations, therapist, doctors, school plans, IEPS, reading - I read so much we donated our books to our State and made a Lending Library to low income families and named it after my son), we did hours and hours of research on line, I had a stroke, my son ended up a convicted felon on trumped up charges, and today he's living alone, tatooed, pieced, unemployed, uneducated - quite brilliant acutally with some regrets about his life, mild depression, can control his anger - but otherwise in a good place looking for a job and able to keep himself together. Would I call that a success? Yes, I would. He's not harming anyone, he's not harming himself, he is figuring life out on his own terms - and I'm not fixing things for him or butting in, and yes it breaks my heart and yes there are days when I'd like to - but no I won't.
I recommend this book like a broken record, but IF you really want to have a dialogue with your child - I'd HIGHLY recommend getting it. It's called HOW to listen to your child so he will talk and how to talk to your child so he will listen (or something along those lines) by Mazelish (or something along those lines - I'm not getting up and digging right now - BUT it's about EFFECTIVE communication. A LOT of us parents thing because we give birth we are AUTOMATICALLY endowed with the spirit of parenthood and communication and nothing could be further from the truth. Most of us lack good communication skills and ALL of us could use a brush up on how to NOT give a back handed compliment most days and not be snippy. We do it without even realizing. We are a nation of complainers, whiners, ME people. We say things that we don't even realize are annoying or derrogatory - and when you read that book? It will blow your mind to see what Grandma says to your kid that is SO out of whack it's a wonder your kids even want her to come to their next ball game. I read that part and I was like - OMG - I've said those things thinking it was a 'Hey you'll do better next time" and do you know how hurtful that is to a kid???? WOW...there are things you can say - that are encouraging and uplifiting to a difficult child - that are not - to their ears SLAMS - and get results -
Try the book - it has workpages in it for you to do once a week . For me and my son? It started a communication that continues today and we BOTH noticed a chance in the first week -
Oh and as far as the 15 minutes - 10 minuets 5 minutes 1 minute thing - ? If it works today and not tomorrow - Sit down with your son - when it doesn't work - AFTER A QUIET RIDE HOME _ DO NOT get him in the car and start with the BANTER OF ===LOOK I TRIED AND YOU BLAH BLAH BLAH - JUST go get him - OR - JUST DRIVE AWAY and leave him - Nope not kidding. When I'm ready to go? I'm ready to go and I've left my son to figure out HOW to get home - (yeah I was parked out of sight and kept an eye on him and called his Dad to go get him) Dad just pulled up in the field, TOOTED the horn and said NOTHING....JUST HIT THE HORN and stood next to the car and SAID NOTHING - THAT? Prettty much covered - GET IT IN THE CAR NOW. WITHOUT WORDS. And trust me - THERE WERE NO words exchanged, and when he got home? The only thing that was said - GO TO YOUR ROOM, NO SUPPER, See you in the morning.
That one ALWAYS GOT DUDE. NO SUPPER. SO yeah - the lack of talking - and then the next day - WEll shall we try this again? 30 minute warining thing? And the answer was - Yeahhhhhhh. And it worked again.
So whatever - you have to be willing to bend.
THE ONE THAT I ABSOLUTELY want to smack parents over is that 3,2,1 rule - I think there is a book or was a book for toddlers - and I lined the canary's cage with it - My xmil gave me the thing - and LIVED by it - well ----NO....When I told my son - NO....I didn't say 3, NO, 2, NO, 1 NO......I said NO and meant NO. The day I threw the book out and proved my point with her was the day Dude tried to stick a fork in the electrical outlet at age 16 months....I looked at her and said 'Was I supposed to do 3,2,1 Magic or was I supposed to just SCREAM NO?" Her and the book ? Left right out the door. Most ridiculous book ever written.