Hi Pops, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. I have been in a similar situation, walking on eggshells, wanting change and not knowing what to do. It is a hard place to be in. We love our kids with all our hearts and want the best for them.
My oldest is 21, using daily, mostly pot, but drinks too. Every day, says he has to be high to live. Had threatened suicide many times since middle school. Has never held a job longer than 2 weeks.
This is hard. I know you must be concerned for your son. If anyone threatens suicide, it is a serious thing and the police should be called.
That said, your house
is your sanctuary. If adult children wish to continue to live in our homes, they need to follow house rules, respect being #1.
Your son is considered an adult in the eyes of the law and will do as he pleases. This is what most of us here have encountered.
So, it does come down to follow the rules, or there is the door.
I actually think the kids push and push,
expecting us to do something, and when we don't, they get more disrespectful. It is as if they are saying "So, what are you going to do about this? Huh?' Well then, how about this.......and this?"
Has a bad temper when confronted. It's causing lots of stress for my wife and i.
He is holding you both hostage. Our d cs are very clever this way. My daughters were the same, very disrespectful and hostile to talk with. It was insidious, a game of wills. They used our love for them, to walk all over us. What I learned, Pops, is that I was not
really loving my children, by allowing them to live in our home and disrespect themselves and us. I was desperate for something different then what they were doing, and thought
I could help them. What I was doing by having them live in our home, was unknowingly
funding their lifestyle. They weren't getting any better, and our lives were quickly going down the drain with theirs. Soon, their attitude and activity worsened, and their disrespect became more outrageous. Looking back now, I can't believe the things we put up with.
We have a younger daughter and not sure what to do next.
I have a young son. He saved us. You know why? All along, he was living through this nightmare, watching crazy things unfold before his eyes. Finally, he began to question things. "Mom, why do we have people (his sisters) live with us, who steal from us?" "Why are my sisters so disrespectful?" and many more comments. I finally realized that
he was being so badly affected by having this go on.
He didn't want to be home. It wasn't a safe, secure haven for him. I had raised his sisters to adult years, and they were still taking advantage of us. I decided 6 months ago, after an ugly exodus of my daughter with my grands, that the door was shut.
No more.
My 14 year old son lay curled up on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably.
My focus had to turn to him.
My focus also had to turn to myself, and look at the pattern of responses that I had developed towards my daughters and their using drugs.....and us.
Perhaps you can share this with your wife, and invite her to post here, too.
Our minor children deserve our attention.
I am thinking your daughter has grown up in the shadows of her brothers acting out.
Doesn't she deserve a peaceful home?
She is watching and learning from this.
What are your responses teaching her?
He is now 21, and I don't know what to do. Just really stressed, I tried alaon, but it's too emotional for me to attend right now.
advice, I am worried if something happens to him because I make him leave home I will get blamed by my wife, but I don't want my family living like this, it's horrible watching him like this.
It is horrible watching our children go this route. Worse, when they are in our homes. Many here will tell you, their kids did not get better staying at home. I feel we
just prolonged the problem. I feel, when we allow our kids to live at home, as they go off the rails, they begin to
resent us. We look weak to them, and we are weak, because we do not stand up to their taunting. They are taunting us, when they live in our homes and do anything they want. We respond with stress, worry and desperation, we don't know what to do. They see this, and use it to their advantage, to continue to go off the rails. It is a cycle that only worsens. But there are answers and there is help.
It will not all happen at once, it is a learning process.
Take deep breaths and slow way down, one step, one day at a time.
There is a wonderful article on detaching in the P.E. forum
http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/
I read it often to help me stay on course.
Keep posting here, Pops. It has helped me tremendously to read, write and respond here these past months. So, post as much as you can.
While it is sad that there are so many folks out there in similar situations, at least we have a safe place to come to share one another's stories, give, and get help.
I am so sorry for your heartache Pops, please know, you are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
