Anyone know anything about pre-divorce child custody????

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by MidwestMom, Sep 9, 2009.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Yes, it's the divorce saga again :D:tongue:.

    Got a question. If my son forces J. to leave the house can J. withhold son from him since there is no divorce yet, in fact he hasn't even filed? What happens to the baby in between the time you file and the divorce goes through? I never went through this in my own divorce because I never thought to keep the kids away from their father, but J. would do this. Could she? Because of their work hours, she could easily get to the babysitter's before my son even if he told her to leave without her son (and pretend she did it. Lately she isn't much about her son---more about running around with her goofball sister). by the way, this is in Illinois if anyone is familiar with the state.

    Another quick question: If son left the house, is this bad? He was told never to leave the house first.

    The only issue why he hasn't filed for divorce is because of George, the fifteen month old. He doesn't want to be away from him. J. is getting worse, not working on the marriage at all, and pretty much doing what she wants, although he does not feel she is cheating on him (nor do I). My son wasn't an angel in this marriage, but he is doing all he can to better himself and make it work out. At this point, it seems he is the only one trying.
  2. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I think it's different according to where it is. But if he moves out and leaves her there with the baby, it could possibly be twisted around to appear that he 'abandoned' them.

    He needs to get a lawyer - like YESTERDAY!
  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Either the parents make arrangements, or there is a hearing that makes arrangements. If he just walks off without a prior arrangement, she'll charge abandonment. He needs a lawyer.

    How are you doing with keeping out of their mess? It seems like you are still pretty involved. You couldn't pay me to get into the middle of this with my children or anyone else. This is where the rubber meets the road.
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    My best advice? Find out somehow WHO her divorce atty is and find out who THAT attorney would get for his/her divorce attorney. Not joking.

    This was the advice I got from MY attorney when I started to get divorced. :( That and keep your mouth SHUT.
  5. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    1. He should NOT move out without a court decree.
    2. Courts favor the status quo. If he moves out and leave her with the baby, she becomes the defacto primary caregiver.
    3. He NEEDS to file first and ask for primary custody of the baby (with visitation for her) and possession of the marital home. .

    Since she is going to be nasty, this is not a DIY project and he needs a good attorney. There are alot of Dad's Rights organizations out there that may be able to help him.

    Also, there is something called "right of first refusal" which means that she can't leave the baby at day care or with a sitter without offering that time to dad (or vice versa if it is time the baby should be with him, than he needs to offer her the time instead of a paid sitter --make sure it includes some clause about being able to have the baby stay with relatives for a max # of hours without engaging FROR.

    husband needs the computer...I'll add more later.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member


    He wouldn't leave the baby. The house is in his name only because her credit is so bad, but I think that in IL the house is both of theirs. Still, he wouldn't leave. He would try to get her to leave and she'd probably swipe the baby from the babysitter. They both work during the day, but she is closer. She'd likely take George to her mom's house where another family and her sister and her sister's two kids already live (her mom is an alcoholic and has a breathalyzer in her car). However, it sounds worse than it is. The baby is normally well taken care of...or at least he was. J. was once a very good mother. I don't know if she still is or not, but she's not drinking or doing drugs or messing around...she's just preoccupied with her sister and her attitude is, "I can do whatever I want to do or you're controlling me." And she does whatever she wants to do, leaving George with my son a lot of the time.
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Is there any way that she might take the baby and try to move to another town, or even a different state? He needs to take steps to legally prevent her from doing that. One more reason why he needs a good lawyer ASAP! Even if he doesn't file anything yet and just goes in for a consultation - he needs to find all this out. Usually, even if things seem to be pretty non-confrontational at present, it can turn very nasty as soon as those papers are filed, and especially after the other one gets their own attorney.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    No, she won't. She is so tied to her family, she'd never leave them. She knows nobody out of town. She would have no job, no money, nothing. Her biggest influence is her ditzy sister and her mother and they aren't going anywhere. Her mom has a really nice house and makes over $100,000 a year (it's her family's company she works for). However, she doesn't share the money with her kids, and the real rich guy, Grandfather, gives nothing to anybody except his direct descendants (grandkids are like strangers to him). He even lets people cut J's hours and she could be fired...she works for him too!

    I just got off with my son. He is suddenly wondering if she IS cheating. She is VERY overweight for somebody really young. But maybe somebody doesn't care.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    First off, I would BET she is cheating. Even with the weight. It is just too cliche for a reason.

    Son MUST go to an atty TOMORROW and get papers filed. Whoever files first gets custody. Period. At least until the hearing. If possible he should have you pick up George or he should take off early and get him the first week or three. He also needs to show the order to the daycare person and let them know that george is to be picked up ONLY by him or someone he sends. He MUST let the caregiver know who will pick him up each day. Caregiver needs to check driver's license against what George tells her IN WRITING about who will pick up the child. She should refuse to let George leave with anyone else. Period.

    Otherwise the caregiver can be charged with accessory to kidnapping.

    If J files first he may not see George for weeks or months.

    This is NOT going to get better. Help him if you can. If he lives some distance away maybe offer to have George with you if you can handle it. Just to keep him safely in your son's custody.

    If J wants to get really nuts, she COULD take George out of state or out of the country. If her family is that close the mom might offer to PAY her to take him to Brazil. Brazil will NOT help the dad get the child back. There are a LOT of US kids in Brazil being held in spite of court rulings here, extradition orders, even against Brazilian court orders!

    I know you think she is so tied to her family. But the family might just listen to her lies and help her take him to another state or country. Even if it sounds farfetched, it isn't.

    I also would NOT rule out drugs. I have a cousin who was a difficult child wild child. At 18 he married his sweetheart. They worked hard, had 2 lovely daus, even built a gorgeous home. But her family makes its $$ selling drugs. Her mom used to give them big bags of pot "because times are tight". I saw these bags adn they were packed quart size ziplocs.

    Her brother introduced her to meth. They lost everything. She became abusive to the girls to the point the older daughter (in high school) and her boyfriend backed the mom off the younger daughter and locked her in a closet until the police came. She was sleeping with anyone just to get drugs. Even gave my cuz a nasty disease.

    They have worked things out and are getting back on track. She is active in recovery. It was the LAST thing you would EVER expect from her. Totally shocked us.

    Your daughter in law really SOUNDS like drugs and other men are playing a role. Don't sweep it under the rug.

    Have your son get the ball rolling so he can protect his child. THAT is his PRIMARY role right now.
  10. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Without any paperwork in place, either parent has the right to the child. My first husband (while we were still dating) had put off getting a divorce because he didn't want to be kept from the kids, only to freak out when his ex decided to move to Georgia. The police told him he couldn't stop her without a court order, and since they were still legally married, he was SOL.

    I imagine things would differ by state...this was in CA.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He can just start a formal separation. He can go to the lawyer and tell them that wife is acting nuts and that she told him that she wanted a separation and that her therapist suggested on where they both live in the same house but live in separate areas. See how that flies legally. I dont think it will but you never know.

    He can then have the formal separation drawn up stating that he is formally setting for the separation as of this date and this is what he expects. Marital property will be dividing in X manner of way. She will get car 1, he will get car 2. He will be responsible for all expenses relating to his vehicle and she will be responsible for hers. The marital debts will be split blah blah blah. He will keep the house since he is living in it and he will pay the mortgage and all utilities until the time of the divorce.

    He is asking for joint custody of the minor child with him being the primary physical custodial parent. He wishes for the mother to have ample visitation with said minor child to be in the best interest of the child.
  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi again. And thanks. daughter in law is not drinking or doing drugs. She is completely straight after living with an alcoholic. Never seen her take a sip of alcohol. That's not it. Cheating? Talked to son. That is in doubt.

    Her sister's hub is deployed and her sister has free time on her hands, not working with two young kids. She has "empowered" J. and they have decided that their husbands are controlling and that they should be able to do what they want to do. J. is getting this from her sister AND her addiction to women's sites such as Chicago's Chitty Lounge, where she spends tons of time (rather than with her son). She is NOT the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree and can be talked into things easily.

    Right now, son isn't going to do anything because of his son. He is going to try not to react to her constantly leaving the house to be with Sissy. I think that in time he will get fed up, but he is firm about not leaving the house...she would have to do that. And he will not give his son to her. He just adores his little boy and she doesn't seem all that interested in him anymore. She does drag him along when she visits her sister, and her sister has two kids so he has them to play with, however she herself is not spending time with him. The three kids are pretty much left to play on their own while the two sisters (and sometimes alcoholic mother) talk. During the rare times my son is with the little group, he says they talk and giggle nonstop over family stuff and don't try to include him or interact with the kids.