Anyone turned a child over to the state??

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by KristiRusnak, Apr 15, 2018.

  1. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    Hey guys, I could use some advice.

    I have a 12 year old son. I have been having problems with him since he was 5. They have escalated over time and now I need answers from those who have taken the next step.

    My son has been diagnosed with ADHD, ODD and even anti-social personality disorder, even though they claim he is too young to fully give that diagnosis. (A few other things thrown in as well.)

    I have tried every recommendation that I have been given from doctors, therapists, counselors, etc. Nothing works. 99% of them all say, after working with him, that he needs residential treatment, but none are willing to take that next step to start the paperwork, they all just give me a referral form. His insurance is no help, and will only send me a new list of doctors to exhaust. He is medicated, but that only takes the edge off.

    These are his main issues:

    • He hurts his 6 year old sister. When he gets mad, he takes it out on her. He hits her, he kicks her, he pushes her down, he pulls her hair, he throws things at her and says the most awful things to her. We have to monitor his interactions with her but I simply cannot be everywhere 24 hours a day, and he takes advantage of that. When she was 2, he broke into my locked gun cabinet, stole my gun and tried to shoot her, the bullet came one inch from her foot. (Yes, everything has been removed from my house now that we have seen that locks clearly dont matter) He has told every therapist and doctor that he wants her gone. He says that he hates her so much that he wants to go back to life as an only child. I am afraid of the results of when the hormones will kick in and he gets stronger along with it. He has made it clear that he has a dislike for women, mainly my 6 year old and myself.

    • He steals. He will take any and everything that he wants. It started with things around the house and turned into things from friends at school to things from public places and stores. Each and every time i havr caught him in a public place (Walmart, Joanns, etc) I have taken him to loss prevention and asked them to press charges, but they wont due to his age. They only give him a speech and send him on his way.

    • He gets in trouble at school. He has gotten into a couple small fights but mostly his school issues consist of knocking over desks, refusing to do work, lying, putting his head down in class as a way of not doing work, being disrespectful towards teachers or other students, wont stay in his desk, and one of his last incidents, he got in trouble at school and came home and told us that the teachers involved, as well as the students involved, would be sorry and "pay" for messing with him when he returned to school. I quickly called the police but nothing was done except to give him a speech about always doing the right thing and being on his best behavior. They did however notify his school resource officer and after speaking to his principal, he did get 4 days of ISS, not anything close to what he deserved in my opinion.

    • He is completely defiant at home. No matter what we say to do, he does the complete opposite or doesnt do anything at all. He talks to me like I am the scum of the earth. When I try to punish him, he laughs. And we do follow through with whatever we say we are going to do so he doesnt think that we have empty threats. We have installed an alarm on his door so we can monitor his coming and going. We have had to nail his windows shut because he has climbed out of his windows, across the roof, to get to his 6 year old sisters room. We have installed video cameras so we can try to catch anything that he does so we have proof.

    • He is completely manipulative and knows how to play the system really well. He will smile at your face while stabbing you in the back. He has had his teachers call DFACS and tell them that we beat him on a daily basis and of course they come out & there is no marks so he finally says he just wanted to get out of doing homework. He lies to no end to make himself look like a victim when he has never known abuse, neglect, what its like to go without or to have a bad life. He has been hospitalized 3 times in the last year. During his intake, I will sit there and break down and tell them everything, why hes out of control, how he hurts others, the stealing etc. He will sit there with a smile on his face and he is honest and says that everything is the truth. They release him 4 to 5 days later always telling me that they dont see any behaviors that would require hospitalization because he knows exactly what to say or how to act to get out of situations that he doesnt want to be in.
    I am exhausted. My every day life has me so nervous and popping advil like they are skittles for the headaches he causes. I am so very scared of what he will do from moment to moment and also as he grows, what he will do. I fear for my 6 year old the most because she is so little and cant defend herself. I have broken down and asked his biological Dads brother for help and to take him but he was no help. I figured that at at least if i gave him to someone that he trusted he would have a more positive outcome as well as his uncles background in law enforcement that it would be the backbone that was needed to actually turn him into a good citizen, but he turned me down. The police, as well as his pediatrician, mentioned handing him over to the state so that they could get him the correct help that he needs with their resources. Has anyone ever done that? Could you tell me how you started the process and who you contacted and what you said? Did you feel like it had the positive outcome that you needed? I just need to think a iut the safety and mental health of everyone involved, not just him. Any advice would be very helpful!! Thank you in advance.
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, K

    Please consider changing your user name, if that is your actual name. This is very important, because you want to stay anonymous to protect your minor children.

    I don’t have any experience to offer, but I do agree that your son is dangerous and can’t be around your daughter.

    Hang on, others will be here to hopefully give you some insight. Sunday’s are often slow.

  3. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    Hi Apple! Thanks for that. I have changed it :) I appreciate it.
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    My first thought is that he is a danger to everyone living there, you and your daughter, maybe pets, anyone. I never did this with a biological child but my husband and I adopted an 11 year old boy who eventually strangled our dogs and we found out he had been molesting our two very young, cherished, sweet adoptees.

    Watch out for molestation too even if you don't see it like we did not and even if your daughter doesn't bring it up, like our kids did not. They were both too afraid of what he would do I'd they told us.

    This is what we did when it all blew up. I called CPS and the cops said he couldn't live here anymore. CPS was the far more helpful. They came and took him to a hospital where he was diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder, which is a nice way of saying he has psychopathic behavior. We didn't want him home. They put him in Residential and we paid child support. He had Medicaid so the facility cost was covered.

    The CPS worker actually felt so sorry for us that legally they undid the adoption and we didn't have to keep paying. And CPS was very helpful getting services for the rest of us so we are doing fine 15 years later. The littles are grown and doing very is in law enforcement!

    We have no contact with this now 27 year old man. All we know, all from FB, is that he is unemployed, married with four kids and was in trouble with the law a few times. Residential treatment obviously didn't fix him ,(I don't know if you anything could have) but the rest of us are doing well. I think we did all we could and the best for everyone.

    I don't have any answers but I did want to tell you what we did in a similar situation and how it happened.

    Also, is his biological father available? if so, I'd go to him first even if he isn't the greatest. Your son needs to leave your daughter alone and this won't happen if he lives with her. The gun incident at age two is very frightening.

    I am very sorry for you and wish you the best in this tough situation.
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2018
  5. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    I appreciate your answer. It is very hard and its makes it even worse to think that you are alone so thank you for sharing with me. I really do appreciate it ♡
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Well-Known Member

    I don't have advice on this situation but will pray for a good outcome for all of you.
  7. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    Thank you. I truly appreciate that! I am going to need all that I can get.
  8. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    His biological Father is not available.

    Well, let me rephrase, he is available, just not willing. He lives about 5 miles from us and only sees him each year on his birthday. My son is an almost identical twin of his Dad in the respect of looks, but also anger issues and temper. His Dad is unemployed, refuses to find work, lies steals and reguses to spend time with our son. He is also 23k behindo n child support. Before I spoke to his brother about taking our son, I told him first. I wanted him to step up, to want to do something, anything at all. He didnt. All he said was do what I had to do but he wouldnt be a source of help or support. He is one of the types that always has an excuse... he has a girlfriend that needs attention, hes tired, hes hung over, he has things to do, etc. He has not spent any significant time with him in his whole life. He may be identical to his Dad, but he hasnt had the chance to see it first hand so he isnt mimicking anything, its just in his DNA.
  9. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    I appreciate all the responses.
  10. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    You have already gotten great advice. I am puzzled as to why several professionals you have worked with apparently recognize the danger this child poses (ie; recommends a residential placement) yet refuses to assist you in moving forward with that recommendation.

    I have a few additional suggestions which you might find helpful.

    First, you should ask your local police department for assistance in filing a petition to declare your son a minor in need of supervision (the nomenclature varies from state to state). This puts the authorities on notice that your son is incorrigible and won't respond to your efforts around parenting him, setting boundaries, etc. You may not get much additional help at first but it will begin a formal paper trail showing you've alerted the powers that be about your son's issues.

    Second, you don't mention if your son has an IEP or not, but based on your description he certainly sounds like a child with an emotional disability. If he does not already have an IEP, you might want to write a letter (must be in writing) addressed to the chairperson of special education at his school, asking for a formal evaluation for special education services based on his behavior problems AS SHOWN IN SCHOOL. The evaluation process takes time and likely won't produce any results until next school year begins, but once an IEP is in place, he can access a range of therapeutic services ranging all the way up to a residential placement - and if this is deemed an appropriate educational environment for him you may not have to relinquish custody to the state in order to get him out of the family home and into a safer setting where he can hopefully get some help.

    If he does have an IEP and his behavior isn't well managed in school, you can request a meeting to discuss placing him in a stricter environment (note that the residential placement is the LAST option and most districts will fight not to choose that option due to the considerable expense involved).

    Third you can go to family court, explain your son's long history of issues and frankly beg them for help dealing with him. If you share joint custody with his father the court may compel Dad to step up a bit more. This court can also help you identify the path to giving up custody of your son to the state in a way that will protect you.

    I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Keep us posted. This is a wonderful and supportive community.
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  11. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    Thank you BBU for responding. You have amazing advice.

    My son does have an IEP and is in a self contained behavior program but sadly, its seen its share of teacher changes a few times this year. Its also his first time in middle school so the major change from elementary to middle certainly has not
    helped the situation.

    I called DFACS this morning and got the number for CPS. I spoke to an intake specialist and gave her the full report of what was happening and asked for help.

    The CPS case worker just left my home but said she had to do some brain storming with her superior because she said that she could see that he clearly needed some residential treatment in a facility that would be proper for that and she just didnt have the training in that kind of situation so she left to go brain storm with her superior. She did say that she would be back this afternoon to speak to both kids if she was able and hopefully would have some answers by then, but that she would much rather speak to them in the home than go to their school tomorrow.

    So its a start. If someone could get him into a residential treatment facility where otger professionals have failed to do so, it would be out standing.
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  12. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I am so glad to hear that some kind of help is on the way. You're doing all the right things. Please keep us posted!
  13. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Welcome. Reading along and am so happy to hear that you have reached out and have gotten some promising response.

    You have gotten great advice and support here.

    I have not dealt with this but I cannot imagine how hard and heartbreaking it is for you. Most of us on this forum know what that feels like.

    Please keep us posted on how things go.
  14. GeorgiaMom

    GeorgiaMom New Member

    The CPS worker did return and speak to both kids separately. She filled out one sheet for each child. She asked the 6 year old what her brother does to her and then asked the 12 year old why he does it. Both at different times. She filled out her paperwork and said that she would follow up with me if she could figure something out but it didnt sound as promising as I thought because she referenced to him multiple times about being on his best behavior so that he could earn things like video games or time outsise to play as time went on. But we shall see, maybe it was just stall tactics until she figured something out.
  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    This is a long process. I would follow up with family court and push the issue that your son is uncontrollable, violent, and a danger to his sister. Can you install nanny cams in the house so that his behavior when he thinks he's "safe" from observation can be documented?
  16. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi G,

    Well, you have got the ball started rolling.

    You are laying the foundation with a paper trail. Document everything.
    Video his behaviors so that he won’t just be shown on his best behavior. Start a daily diary and document his behaviors, good and bad. Write down how you dealt with each incident.

    It may take some time, but at least someone is listening to you. When you inevitability start to doubt yourself, go back and read/watch/listen to your evidence.

    Your son is a danger to his sister, and needs help. Hopefully, he will learn to control it, and will live a productive life.

    Hang on, and keep posting.

  17. mollyzuzu

    mollyzuzu Member

    Hi there Georgia Mom, I have had a similar instance with our adopted son from Ukraine. We adopted him at age 3.5 years and has been in therapy and been seeing all kinds of doctors since age 5. Every diagnosis in the books, think they could write a book. He got into the drug scene about 4 years ago. We found out 3 years ago. He was a danger to himself in the fact that he always took too much of any drug he got his hands on an we wound up at the enmergency room almost twice a month. It got to the point where we put him into a Mental hospital on a third party form. He was committed for 4 months, came out. Was home for one month and back in ER, back to Hospital. Came out, went to ER, then went to intensive inpatient for 21 days. Husband and I waved the white flag and said to social workers asigned to son "we cannot keep this boy safe any longer, we need you to help and put him into residential, make him a ward of the state if you need to to get him the care that he needs". We actaully thought we were going to have to make him a ward of the state. But, their demands were to put him in rehab for a month or so and they would look for a therapeutic foster home or group home in the mean time. He came out of rehab that it took forever to find covered by insurance for a teen abfter 45 days and social workers were not able to find a therapeutic foster home OR a group home that would accept him. He went to shelter care staright from rehab and stayed there until they found a group home for him. It was a thing where they had to work fast as the courts did not want him sitting in shelter care for too long. So, social work had to take what ever came first. He is now in a group home 300 miles away from us. We are calming down. He is learning how to live in this world by someone else, unfortunatlley. Wished it was us, but if he had stayed with us much longer, he most likely would be in a pine box by now. He has been in the group home since November and may be able to leave sometime in August depending on how much he has learned. He is now 16.5 years old.

    My advice to you, tell social work you CANNOT keep him safe any longer, and if it means making him a ward of the state, then so be it. My son is not a ward of the state, but we do pay child support monthly for him to live in the group home. Even if he were a ward of the state, we would need to pay child support until he is 18. He may not be able to come back and live in our home, but he can visit. Hope some of this helps? It is a LONNNGG process to get help and the help that you actually need as well as your son. But remember, the SQUEEKY WHEEL GETS THE GREASE, as my daddy always said, I SQUEEKED AND SQUEEKED until I thought I could squeek no more. Hugs and best of wishes to you.