anyone using spyphone for difficult child's phone

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by sadiemarie, Jul 3, 2010.

  1. sadiemarie

    sadiemarie Guest

    Our difficult child daughter is 14 and we are worried she might be having sex with her so called "boyfriend" and possible smoking pot, I have recently read her texts and confronted her, of course it was deny deny deny and now she is deleting all texts before I can get the phone. So I looked up several different spyphone companies so that I can receive a list of all texts sent and received on the computer, is anyone else out there using this stuff?

    difficult child: 14y, daughter, diagnosed at age 6 with odd, no medications
    easy child's: 4 boys, ages 18, 17, 13, 10

  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Can't you get a copy of texts from the phone company? If I was in that situation I might go the spy route. Or take away the cell phone if she kept deleting the texts.

    I would also make darned sure she was on birth control whether she liked it or not.

    You really cannot keep someone from having sex. Even if you know it is totally the wrong thing for them to do. Kids have been maneuvering around parents and guardians so they could have sex for many many generations. You can do your best, but it may not deter her.

    Even with proof that she is having sex there are very few ways to stop it. Unless you are prepared to send her away for a long period of time or to hire people to keep watch on her 24/7 you really cannot stop her. That is one of the ugly truths about parenting.

    Given that you suspect she is sexually active, or know that she is, it is time to take her for her first gynecologist appointment. Have the doctor explain the various forms of birth control. With someone her age i would suggest the depo provera shot or some other long acting form of birth control. It is really easy to skip a pill or to take it incorrectly. It is doubtful a 14yo could take it at the same time every day, so it is not a wise choice. MANY teens think they truly WANT a baby at their young age and will do all they can to get pregnant. It is one reason the depo shot is something to look into.

    Make sure she KNOWS that her childhood would be OVER if she got pregnant. Have the doctor read her the riot act if it will help. Just remember that most teens have little or no impulse control when their hormoves are so out of control.

    Do you know the boy? If he is a minor I would talk to his parents. They need to know what is happening also. If he is an adult, or even just a few years older than your daughter is, I would consult with the police to see if he is breaking the law. If he is, press charges against him.

    I am sorry that there is so little you can do in your situation. My suggestions are just what I came up with right now and may or may not work in your situation.

  3. sadiemarie

    sadiemarie Guest

    susiestar thanks for the response, good thoughts, my husband suggested the deproprovera shot last night, I guess I need proof since the stuff I read was vague, my course of action will be to forbid her from going to his house, I won't be able to stop contact in town and at sports functions but I have told his mom what I have read and she seems to be on the same page as me. I guess I am hoping that he will end it with my restrictions on the relationship and move on to another girl who has more freedom.

  4. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    How old is the boyfriend?

    I would put restrictions on her phone. When she does something untrustworthy. more restrictions; as she shows herself more trustworthy, less restrictive.

    In our home:

    Tigger - full restriction, phone only calls 7 selected family members and 911
    Piglet - limited to 9am-9pm use, 24 hour ability to call selected family members and 911
    Eeyore - same as Piglet but with 1 girl's number completely restricted
    All of their phones are restricted from sending or receiving pix and video.
  5. sadiemarie

    sadiemarie Guest

    the boy is in her grade but I think a year older, good idea mayby I will take phone away when I go to bed which is really early and give it back in morning? she does all this calling him and texting at night, I have listened to some evening conversations and he is very manipulative. Its so sad how she has such tuff guy attitude here and with her girl friends but she is letting this boy totally rule her, I'm very disappointed to witness this.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'd take the cell phone away if it were me. She doesn't need it at her age and you can "listen" better when they talk on a land phone.
  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I used Eblaster - I think that is what it was called. It recorded every keystroke on the computer. I could read it from work or anywhere because it sent me an email every so many minutes. I did take the computer privilege away for several years. I also did not allow the cell phone use until she was 17.

    The depo shot was given to me to stop bleeding from a female surgery. I had no idea it was even a birth control medication. I did not get my period for 6 months and I HATED MYSELF during the entire 6 months. I was sooooo very moody and mean. Just be aware of this possible side effect. If she is a moody person it might do the opposite and even them out - bonus! LOL! But, I am not moody and it literally made me hate myself.
  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Just wanted to add that I have had difficult child on the depo shot since she was around 13 or 14 - and she swears she was virgin until last year....
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    If I had to do the early teens again I would absolutely make it a rule that the cell phone stayed with me from
    evening to morning. Even when the teens are easy child's their friends will text or call all night long if they have the access. It disturbs sleep. It disturbs concentration on school work. It eliminates conversations and interaction with the family. Yep. IF I could do it again, lol, that would be the rule. DDD
  10. emotionallybankrupt

    emotionallybankrupt New Member

    I'd definitely keep the phone from night until morning. Besides that, blocking the texting capability may be appropriate. At one point, I blocked every feature from difficult child's phone except the "make a phone call" option. When I restored some of those features, I told her she had to show me all pictures sent or received before deleting them, and that if she deleted anything without permission I would assume it was inappropriate and take the phone away. The phone company printout showed clearly when pictures were sent or received. Same with texts, although I don't remember putting that particular rule on texts. I see no problem with doing that though, because the fact is that once an electronic message is sent, it is NOT private. As much as I explained that to difficult child, she never seemed to "get it." Messages were passed around and forwarded frequently at school.

    I also made use of the parental controls available for cell phones, and I'm sure those controls are even more advanced now. I used features such as the GPS that sent me a message if difficult child went outside a certain radius of where she was supposed to be. I also used the "locate phone" option that actually gave me a map of the phone's current location and the direction and speed at which "the phone" was traveling. I set times when the texting feature would be inoperable--such as during school hours. That feature would still allow texting between "trusted numbers" that I set, meaning I could communicate with her by text even when that feature would not work otherwise. I wished the same restriction was possible for voice calls, but at that time it was not. Maybe it is now though--or will be soon. Gradually, gradually...I think technology for PARENTS is catching up to the technology that has given our teens so much power. Of course, it's impossible to get around the fact that a teen can simply borrow a friend's phone to bypass all the restrictions. You can do only so much.... Don't forget that for middle-of-the-night phone conversations, she can simply use the home phone while you're asleep unless you somehow control for that possibility. Mine did. At one point, I was locking up all the phone handsets with me overnight, and I also disabled the phone jack in difficult child's bedroom. It really was insanity for me, trying to stay one step ahead. I felt like I was managing a prison instead of a home.

    Eavesdropping on phone conversations is very time-consuming, and chances are that you will miss important pieces. It's much easier to take the phone away, put a surveillance program on the computer, and let her use the computer. If you put no restrictions on the computer, while you have many restrictions on the phone, it is likely that she will use the computer. I have no ethical problem with that tactic if you have good reason to be suspicious and it's the only way to get to the truth and try to keep her safe. Especially after you put her on notice that any electronic transmission is then in "public space" ... that the concept of privacy of electronic communications is an illusion... I think it's a fair playing field. E-Blaster--already mentioned--is a good one.

    It's so impossible to prevent all the behaviors you wish you could prevent. Definitely the birth control is very important but can also be difficult for you to control. difficult child's doctor refused to do the depo injections because of family history of osteoporosis. I monitored the birth control regimen best I could, but there's simply no way to be SURE your daughter is consistent unless you're going to become a true drug warden--watch her take it and check her mouth to see that she swallowed it. My difficult child still insists she took the pills EXACTLY like she was supposed to and got pregnant anyway. I know better. As soon as she insisted on moving the pill-pak from the kitchen cabinet to her purse, I knew what would happen next.

    I'd say do as much as you can for as long as you can. Hopefully she'll mature enough to make wiser decisons before she finds loopholes through all your safeguards. Beware the danger, though, that your life can literally be overtaken by the constant monitoring, trying to run interference, and struggling for damage control.