At end of my rope...ODD?

[IrishLass]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. My DS is 7, I left my husband almost 2 years ago - very verbally abusive, would never take into consideration that our son could hear his shouting. My son's behavior has been very defiant in the past, but it seemed to come and go...every time it comes back though, it's worse than ever. My ex does not help by doing things like shouting at me on the phone while he's got my son with him, calling me a piece of sh*%, eff you, go eff yourself...no matter how hard he denies it, he's still angry that I left him (I was so happy when he found a girlfriend but apparently he's still angry). He enjoys telling me that our son never acts this way for him - my son told me that Daddy told him to be mean to me, so I believe he is encouraging this behavior. Let me also say that he only acts this way for me - this morning I turned off the television because he wouldn't come in the bathroom so I could brush his hair and he just started screaming - no matter how calmly I spoke, it didn't work. He hit, he said the 'f' word (for total shock value, he looked at me to guage my reaction when he did)...kept pulling his hat off when I put it on him three times - he wound up going to school today without brushing his hair OR his teeth. And when he sees his father tonight like he does every Tuesday, he will tell him that I yelled at him, that I'm mean, etc. etc...and his father will take his side against me. I started bringing him to a therapist a couple of months ago and we have an appointment tomorrow night - he hasn't been doing much for him in my opinion, they talk for five minutes and then play board games for forty (which is not necessary because my son loves him and doesn't stop chattering, it's not like he has to draw him out). I told him on the phone last week that I need to have some kind of behavioral therapy for him, and that I want to be in the room and have counseling together to work out his behavior with me. Meanwhile, I can barely function - I can't concentrate at work, I'm upset all the time, I collapse exhausted into bed every night...this is consuming me. Any advice would be most appreciated.

 

[busywend]

Welcome! I am sure your son has been hearing everything your Ex says for years. But, he is now at an age where more of it probably makes sense to him. And he is figuring out how to make it to his advantage.
Do not speak to your Ex on the phone anymore. Make communication all via email or hand written. It will be nice to have documentation of things going forward anyway.

Document everything your son says to you about your Ex. Seriously, I have a feeling you will need it someday. If he undoes all the effort you put into your son, it is going to be hard to improve anything.

 

[BusynMember]

Sounds like your ex has some mental health issues. Unfortunately, these can be passed along to the child genetically. It doesn't help that father is verbally abusive to you in front of your son. in my opinion I'd have son evaluated by a neuropsychologist to see what is going on with him. You can't help your ex, but you can help your son. Then, after you get the results, you will have a better idea of what to do for him. You may need a psychiatrist and medication, maybe not. But it never helps to cover every base. in my opinion a regular talk therapist isn't going to be enough to help you and your son through the times ahead of you. You need somebody who can diagnose and treat your son. Of course JMO.

 

[novangel]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible. My DS is 7, I left my husband almost 2 years ago - very verbally abusive, would never take into consideration that our son could hear his shouting. My son's behavior has been very defiant in the past, but it seemed to come and go...every time it comes back though, it's worse than ever. My ex does not help by doing things like shouting at me on the phone while he's got my son with him, calling me a piece of sh*%, eff you, go eff yourself...no matter how hard he denies it, he's still angry that I left him (I was so happy when he found a girlfriend but apparently he's still angry). He enjoys telling me that our son never acts this way for him - my son told me that Daddy told him to be mean to me, so I believe he is encouraging this behavior. Let me also say that he only acts this way for me - this morning I turned off the television because he wouldn't come in the bathroom so I could brush his hair and he just started screaming - no matter how calmly I spoke, it didn't work. He hit, he said the 'f' word (for total shock value, he looked at me to guage my reaction when he did)...kept pulling his hat off when I put it on him three times - he wound up going to school today without brushing his hair OR his teeth. And when he sees his father tonight like he does every Tuesday, he will tell him that I yelled at him, that I'm mean, etc. etc...and his father will take his side against me. I started bringing him to a therapist a couple of months ago and we have an appointment tomorrow night - he hasn't been doing much for him in my opinion, they talk for five minutes and then play board games for forty (which is not necessary because my son loves him and doesn't stop chattering, it's not like he has to draw him out). I told him on the phone last week that I need to have some kind of behavioral therapy for him, and that I want to be in the room and have counseling together to work out his behavior with me. Meanwhile, I can barely function - I can't concentrate at work, I'm upset all the time, I collapse exhausted into bed every night...this is consuming me. Any advice would be most appreciated.

Your ex sounds like mine, congrats on getting away from him. Does he have an alcohol problem? If so, I would not allow unsupervised visits. Second, do not allow him to speak to you that way in front of your son anymore, hang up as soon as it starts to get heated or don't speak to eachother during visitation unless it's absolutly necessary. Don't argue with him while your son is around. Text message or email if it's not important. If he is telling your son bad things about you I would be contacting my lawyer. My guess is your son is acting out in anger for a reason and not necessarily a disorder. Good luck.