Back after many months

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tryagain, Feb 27, 2013.

  1. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Last June, I joined and posted about my difficult child daughter, age 19, BiPolar (BP), tempermental and moody, who was living with a loser. You all gave me some sound advice. I just went back and read it all, and it rings true.
    I did not post again because things became much less stressful when difficult child then left and moved out of state with the loser to his stepmother's home, where the stepmom was charmed with my difficult child (everyone always is) and offered her free board there - difficult child decided to enroll in an art school there. Well, husband and I were enjoying our peaceful home and enjoying our empty nest-we can't control her anyway- although we warned difficult child that it really wasn't in her best interest to go up there and mooch off this lady-we preferred that she stay here, even if it means stress for us. She did not meet academic criteria for the college so enrolled in a community college there to get remedial and basic courses out of the way and hopefully transfer to the art school eventually. Said she was going to get a job-as we would not send her money other than for school and medical needs. She comes home for holidays although loser won't accompany her. She still loves her family members.
    9 months later - still no job - kept one job hostessing at a restaurant 2 weeks - passed off one remedial course and dropped the credit course because admitted herself to mental hospital for suicide ideation for a week. This semester, enjoying an art class and doing 2 remedial courses. But now - she has worn thin on the stepmother bc she will not work, will not help around the house, throws fits, is possessive of the loser and wants to "be engaged" although he makes very little $ and blows it immediately -usually indulging difficult child's wishes.
    I am up tonight because step mom had her fill and kicked difficult child out. She drove a couple of hours to her grandpa's house, and has been there since yesterday (he is a kind, wise, and patient man). difficult child is panic stricken bc she has nowhere to go in the loser's town, and wants to finish the last 2 months of her art class. husband and I have refused to fund an apartment love nest for her and the loser. She's begging us to put her up in a hotel -no way. I have spoken at length with stepmom and told difficult child tonight that she needs to apologize to the stepmom and stick it out this semester. But she refuses. So stubborn. Told difficult child she can always come home, but she clings to the loser. So...I can't do anything else. She called crying a little while ago and blamed me for her misery since I would not fund a hotel room for her (and the loser, I'm sure!)
    I guess I just needed a little affirmation. As nice as it has been with her gone, I still think she has made a mistake moving off there. Now she is seeing why. I have tried to detach and let the chips fall. Don't know what she's going to do...actually her only choices are to apologize in order to stay there, or to come home. Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Welcome back, although of course I'm sorry for your troubles.

    You're towing your line, keeping your boundaries, which is very, very important. I don't recall from your previous posts a while back, but is your difficult child regularly taking medications and seeking therapy? Is she and/or her boyfriend substance abusers, too?
  3. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Calamity Jane, thanks for replying; I feel a little less alone.Yes, she is on 2 bipolar medications (hopefully she is taking them) and has had excellent psychiatric care for several years. She really likes her psychiatrist-thank goodness- he even tried to call her yesterday after I left him a message - she and the boyfriend are not substance abusers-her psychiatrist has warned her about the dangers of drug interactions and I do believe she occasionally might drink lightly but she does not smoke or use drugs although in high school I am sure they tried pot a few times-When she comes home for a visit and goes out with her girlfriends, she is actually the designated driver. One less issue lol, but she's got plenty more... The worst thing about her is how violent she will get when she is manic -she has kicked through two doors in our house and hurled her cell phone through a 6 foot plateglass window- when she first became psychotic a few yrs back, she bit me so badly I had to go on antibiotics -that's when she began psychiatric treatment. Yet if you met her, she'd charm you like she does everyone. She and her older sibling were both adopted as infants; he fights depression but he is doing pretty well.Thanks for the shoulder, I needed it.
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good morning tryagain, welcome back. I'm sorry you are once again in a worried place about your daughter............our difficult child's sure do put us through the mill, don't they? As CJ said, you're keeping your boundaries intact which is very good. Natural consequences are what your difficult child needs now, she has a choice, home or apologize, seems pretty direct to me. It's remarkable to me how our kids can be angry at us for the problems they create, but they blame someone else and don't learn anything that way. There is an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, you might find it interesting. I think you're doing a very good job of staying clear on what needs to be done. I think she will figure it out, stay the course and let us know what happens................hugs............
  5. TryAgain - I think you did a great job of keeping your boundaries in place. You helped negotiate with the 'loser's' mother so that if she apologizes she can go back and finish her semester, now it's up to her. If she wants it bad enough she will charm her way back into this woman's good graces.

    I sure know what it's like to have a difficult child that can charm people. That is my difficult child. He has so many people believing his ridiculous stories and doing everything they can to 'help' (read enable) him.

    I think you did a great job and now she will have to deal with the natural consequences of her actions. Enjoy your peaceful home. It is amazing how huge the change in atmosphere is once they leave, isn't it? While we are very saddened with our relationship with our difficult child and wish things were different we do enjoy peace in our home now too. easy child is still a easy child with some typical teen moments thrown in to keep us on our toes.

    Hoping she makes the right choice.
  6. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    You're doing the right things really well, Try Again.

    It must be breaking your heart not to cover the apartment costs, but I am so glad you haven't done that. This will be an excellent lesson for difficult child on many levels ~ especially if she does apologize, and is able to move back in with the step mom.

  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I have been conned,lied to, and manipulated so many times trying to help my difficult child. I thought he was doing much better as he was clean and sober for about one year. At 3 years this has been his longest relationship ever, I met her 1 time. Then the emails and calls for money started and all of the drama that 2 difficult child's in a relationship can cause. They remind me of the Tasmainian Devil's whirlwind on the carton show lol!!!!

    I was conned into giving my difficult child money to finish the semester. Since he was on the Dean's list I agreed to help him for 4 months so he could at least get credit for those classes. It was a lie, he had dropped out that semester (more difficult child problems) and they were both in on it. They were having a great time going out every night, and guess who was paying for it.

    It makes me feel both mad and stupid to be played yet again. BUT I have finally accepted the fact that this is what my difficult child is and I can not help him or make him change. At the present time I feel as if my difficult child only cares about me when I give him money.

    I wish I had been as strong as you are when mine was 19, but I honestly thought one day he would grow out of it. He cut off contact with me after a nasty text, threating suicide, and it is always my fault. He does have my number and he can call collect WHEN he is working and is doing something to help himself. He quit his job to go to school full time. I am certain my difficult child has mental illness that was never detected.

    If he every aks for help again I will verify the facts this time - and for no reason will I ever be dumb enough to send him money. I read in the news where Ted Bundy's mother had passed and she had proclaimed his innocence until the very day he confessed. It's just too painful to see our children as they really are, but, I'm trying! I will always love my son unconditionally, but I do not like the person he has become, and I will not be used again.

    This forum is a great place for information and support, welcome back. It has helped me a great deal.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yes, stay strong! She has to go through this to grow!
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    You did a great job in maintaining boundries and not giving into her demands of a love nest. The balls is now in her court. She can do as she as she sees fit. If she is a true difficult child she will likely not apologize so I guess you should prepare yourself for her return home. So sorry you are going through this but glad yo had a few months of peace. -RM
  10. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    I really, really appreciate all of you big-hearted people giving me some terribly needed support. You all have big hearts, I can tell, because like me, you keep on keeping on, hoping that these difficult children will one day "get better". Well, my difficult child daughter has not yet made peace with the loser's stepmom. Stepmom not ready - says needs time. I have continued to communicate with the loser's stepmom even though difficult child says not to and calls stepmom liar, etc. This woman has put up with difficult child for 7 months and finally had enough of the laziness, sass, temper, all the stuff I have dealt with for years. difficult child has ranted and cried and carried on for several days. She has stayed in hotels and now is staying with grandparents (which is good) and is returning to the loser on Tuesday so she won't miss her class. Stepmom indicates to me that she "needs time" but difficult child claims that "she's not going to let me back in" (based on what, I do not know, probably her own hysteria). I think if difficult child apologizes, then stepmom will try her one more time. Meanwhile, the loser claims that he has found an extended stay motel for difficult child that charges $50 a night...I do not see how that can be...but if she won't apologize or move home, then that is her option I suppose. She did claim to have gotten a job at a grocery store there on Friday, so she can pay for the love nest if she wants. Loser might want to try working a bit more and not wasting what little money he has on a RING for difficult child. Meanwhile, he has no car, no education, no home except stepmom's. Stepmom claims loser can't get out of bed for day labor job because difficult child keeps him up all night and he gets no sleep. I think that loser has NO spine and probably from his unstable childhood. So there we have 2 dysfunctional kids clinging to each other. And loser defends difficult child and thinks she does no wrong, even when it is staring him in the face....stay tuned for further drama to come. (This would indeed make a great soap opera or reality series- what would it be called? Heaven and Hell? Revenge of the Angry Daughter?) lol - you have to laugh or you might cry.
  11. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Hi friends, I'm "back after many months" once again. Things are about like they were in March the last time I updated - difficult child is STILL living in the extended stay hotel 6 hours away that her boyfriend is paying for and can barely afford - he doesn't even own a car, depending on difficult child to take him places. He sided with difficult child against his step-mom and has not been close to her since the upheaval in March. difficult child never apologized and it was ugly. She still has no job - doesn't try very hard to find one, in my humble opinion - and barely passed her one community college course in the spring with a "D" - and it was in the arts, which she's good at, so I don't think that she put forth much effort. Therefore, we will not pay more expensive out-of-state tuition. In case she decides to go again (she is lazy and struggles in school, so I don't think she will for now, unless she matures) we told her we'd gladly pay for instate inexpensive community college if she'd move back here. She will not leave this guy. She clings to him for security.

    To any of you who have had a similar situation, please give input - husband and I have enjoyed her being gone, and if she returned, I fear it would be a return of the nightmare with us sleeping with one eye open, her lying, screaming, destroying things, etc. We actually get along much better when she does come for a visit, with her gone. BUT I feel that she is making a huge mistake to latch onto this guy in high school and never even try to meet new people, date, etc. I am torn and feel guilty for wishing her to be gone because it's so peaceful now. Maybe he IS the best she can do. He's not a druggie or drinker, seems pretty patient to put up with her, and does support her. He's been working at a labor job very steadily since March that a relative owns. So maybe we should embrace it as it is and be thankful he's providing a roof over her head-and enjoy the peace and quiet. We do cover her BiPolar (BP) medications, phone (since he did not pay his phone bill and has none now), and car insurance, but that's it. This may be "as good as it gets", at this point. I guess I am looking for affirmation and/or suggestions. Thanks guys - it's a lonely road we travel.
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2013
  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back. It's nice to have peace isn't it? It sounds as if you have found a good balance that works for you, there are certain items you help with, which sound reasonable to me if it doesn't create resentment for you and she is essentially on her own doing what she wants without making you miserable. Don't feel guilty, it serves no purpose but to take your present joy away, you have decided to do it this way, you may as well enjoy it! She is 20 and as you mention in your bio, she is lazy and this is the choice she is making, is her choice not yours. She may be making a mistake but it is her mistake to make, you don't have any power over her choices. I'd say enjoy your new found freedom, peace and quiet. Enjoy your daughter when she visits. What I've learned on this "lonely road" and you're right, it can be lonely at to learn to accept what is. If you can do that, you will be happier and more peaceful. There is so much we have no control over, and right now, this is what is true for you, you have no control over her choices. So accept the way it is for now, it may change, it may not, but in the meantime you can enjoy your life.
  13. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Recoveringenabler, thank you so much for your affirmation. I think that's what I needed to hear from someone who has walked this road. I think that my guilt feelings come from some wistfulness, for when she is stable and so sweet and I begin to hope again. But I know that hope can be cruel. I also know that I have hoped before that she was stabilizing only to be brought down to earth again with reality when she would begin to spiral down and become unreasonable...and worse. In fact, I did not mention that she fell a couple of days ago and now must wear a leg brace for several weeks. She is alone there all day and this cannot be much of a life for a 20-year-old. But it's her choice. So thank you for being there.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tryagain, I understand about needing an affirmation, this path we're on is just filled with self doubt, it helps to have others validate it. I need that too. I understand about hope being cruel, it is especially difficult with any kind of mental illness.............I have felt exactly as you feel, so hoping this time will be different and then be so disappointed. Expectations can be killers on this road. My difficult child lives a life which from my way of looking at it is exceedingly boring, she doesn't work and spends much time doing between chaos and is her reality and I've had to accept it. It's tough, I really know that, but in the meantime you have a life to lead, you have a husband and another child, go grab your life and live it, enjoy every moment of it...............every single day I choose that path, to enjoy life, to relish each moment, to be engaged in life........... over the despair of worrying about my difficult child and all that I cannot change. ....HUGS....
  15. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    recoveringenabler, thank you once again for your kindness and (((HUGS))) to you also...
  16. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    A sad welcome back to you. I hope that your difficult child and her grandfather will be able to have a decent conversation and that he can impart some of his wisdom on her. You're doing a very good job of detaching, and she is learning some difficult lessons. Hopefully she'll learn something about compromise, and choices.
  17. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Witzend, thank you. It sounds like you have "been there" in the trenches of dealing with a bipolar difficult child. I appreciate your comment about my detachment process. I am working hard at it, although sometimes I relapse a bit.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome back. I know what its like to long for that empty nest. My youngest managed to do really well for quite a while (in our book for him) but he had to come and now he is back in our house acting like a teenager. This has got to stop. He was supposed to be here only for a week or two while going between jobs but that was about 6 weeks ago now and he is reverting to old ways in some regards. We do think he is fairly depressed because he is having women issues and the job he was supposed to be going to pulled out at the last minute but he has got to get moving again. I like him in small I dont like supporting him when his girlfriend seems to think she needs to live a life of luxury when there is no money coming in.
  19. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Yes skotti-There are a lot of mixed feelings because I love my child but I know that we're going to get along much better if there is some space. We all have to hang in there!
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah, hanging in there is something I have gotten very good at.

    Funny thing is I almost died by accidental hanging when I was 12 and I seem to have been hanging in some form or other ever since.