Back again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Beta, May 23, 2019.

  1. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Hello all. I've been gone for about a month from the site. We went on a week's vacation and, because I was getting some non-hostile texts from our son Josh decided to take a break from the site. I was hoping maybe I might be able to coax him to talk on the phone and maybe find a way to go to Denver to see him.
    Today I am upset, fearful, anxious. I have not been able to get him to call and talk on the phone, only text messages here and there, but I did learn that he was renting a room recently. I have no idea what he's doing for work since he no longer has a car.
    Last night, he texted me something about "I'm cold tonight stupid B..tch. I hat u. I hope that you don't sleep like me." I immediately called his number, and he answered, but would only scream and curse at me for wasting his phone charge, and then he hung up and would not respond the rest of the night.
    I am beside myself with worry. There is nothing we can do other than wait and pray. I'm so afraid we will finally permanently lose him. At the same time, I have moments when I wish we would just break off all contact and be done with it. His problems and the fear and anxiety connected with them, have controlled our lives for almost 2 years now. It's so overwhelming.
     
  2. elizabrary

    elizabrary Active Member

    I had to learn to take things day by day with my daughter and not have any expectations about the future. She and I have had several periods of no contact, one of around a year and the others shorter. The first time it happened I was frantic and nearly drove myself insane with worry because my granddaughter was a baby then. In my mind we would never have a relationship again, but that's not the truth in most cases. In fact, I found that those breaks were good for both of us. It gave us some time apart to breathe and I used that time to work on myself. It was during those times that I really learned to find and maintain my peace of mind no matter what chaos was going on around me. I learned to take care of me first, to do things I enjoyed and make my health and well-being a priority. It also gave me some distance to be objective about my role in the negative aspects of our relationship. Yes, my daughter is an alcoholic with mental health issues, but I added negative energy to our relationship with passive aggressive behaviors and by bringing up past hurts that she had caused. I was playing the victim and that didn't help anything. We still have our ups and downs, but our relationship is much more stable and supportive now. And I am much more healthy. If you take a break from your son that doesn't mean it's forever. There may be a time in the future when you can have a healthy, enriching relationship. If you are separate from him I encourage you to use that time to improve your own health and happiness. It can serve as a reset. Sending peace to you.
     
  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Beta, I'm so sorry for the anguish you are feeling. I get it.
    Please remember that you have the power to not be controlled or overwhelmed by this. I know it's not easy but you really do have the power and you have been giving the power to your son. You are allowing him to hold your emotions hostage.

    I've had many messages from son like this and some far worse. What I have learned is that when they are behaving like this it's because there life, at the "moment' is not going the way they think it should. They are angry but instead of being angry with themselves for making poor choices, the transfer their anger to us the parents. They on some level revert to a child and expect mommy to swoop in and make everything better.
    Your son is an adult and it's not your place to make everything in world okay, he needs to do that for himself.

    Again, I'm so sorry for the anguish. You can and will get through this. Please be very good to yourself.
     
  4. Beta

    Beta Active Member

    Tanya, thank you for your wise and kind words. You echoed exactly what I have been thinking today. He finally did text me today; actually, he went on a rant, told me he hates me, wishes he could slap my face, would kill me in my sleep if he was there, etc.
    I finally texted him this afternoon and told him that however he is living right now, he is living that way because he CHOOSES to live that way. Any time he wants help and wants out of Denver, we will get him out within 24-48 hours, but until he gets tired of the crappy, hand-to-mouth way he is living, it is his choice, not ours. I told him that I will continue to love and pray for him, but I wasn't going to allow him to destroy me.

    The hard part is that any time now I will get a text telling me how sorry and ashamed he is and how much he loves me, and that will be hard to deal with. That's the other end of the emotional rollercoaster he has us on. Even when he is being "nice", he still won't answer any direct questions about his life. You are absolutely right--we have been giving him all the power to emotionally drain us.