Back on the merry-go-round

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
I have gotten myself back into the throws of it all and I have no one to blame but myself. It’s very hard as you know for me to deal with my two adult sons/half homeless, half living in car, not eating etc. I wish I could clearly pin point where this problem of mine stems from so that I could get over it.

I truly feel like moving to another state or something and just removing myself from their presence. They insert themselves into my life and I’m involved too much in their day to day struggles and can’t seem to bear the discomfort they go through but now I feel like I can’t bear the discomfort I’m going through.

There’s just no accountability on their part. They think they’re doing their best and it’s a far cry from that.

I’m still handing out gas, food, haircut, oil changes, registration, inspection, car repairs, rent, phone minutes money. Nothing has changed, in fact it has gotten worst.

Older son had a car accident (other persons fault) but neither of them has insurance, we are up to $2500 damages and it's all coming out of my pocket. Older son staying with younger son while his car (which is his home is being repaired) but too many people at the apartment and it's getting tense.

I'm exhausted and just needed to vent. What's wrong with me that this situation never stays or gets better for very long?







There’s just no accountability on their part. They think they’re doing their best and it’s a far cry from that.



I’m still handing out gas, food, haircut, oil changes, registration, inspection, car repairs, rent, phone minutes money. Nothing has changed, in fact it has gotten worst.
 
Last edited:

MissLulu

Well-Known Member
JayPee, I'm sorry you find yourself here. I can empathise, believe me. We know the right thing to do is to step back and not to enable, but sometimes that is hard. I think Busy is right. Sometimes physical distance can be the answer. I'm happiest when my Difficult Child is far away from me. I feel awful saying that, but it's the truth. I don't know what your situation is, but perhaps a move would be good.

I've decided this is what will be best for me, so next year my husband is taking early retirement and we're moving to a town about three hours away. My other two boys will be living in our capital city because both boys will be at university there next year, so the move won't really affect them. They will visit us on a regular basis. I don't know whether Difficult Child will visit or not.

In any case, there will be some distance between us on a day to day basis and (hopefully) that will give me some peace. I do better when I don't know what he's doing and he does better when he doesn't have me to fall back on.

Remember, you are important. You deserve peace in your life. Your sons are adults. You are not responsible for them anymore.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
It's difficult having a homeless son, and I truly don't know how I would handle that situation. For someone in my extended family, moving to another state really did help her
It gets her away from the chaos and drama, although there are still the troubling phone calls and social media comments that are upsetting to her. She is trying to communicate with only with brief texts and stay off the internet. It took years for her to train herself to make boundaries and an emotional separation of sorts.
 

BusynMember1

Well-Known Member
Hi again.

We, after ten years, won't talk to Kay unless 1) she talks respectfully. No name-calling or toxic blame allowed. She has had her ten years of bile at us that we have heard. No more. 2) The call can not be asking for money or for us to fix her. We spent more on her than my other kids by a longshot and dipped into our retirement. We also bought her a house, a mobile home, cars, paid rent etc. The bank is closed. Forever. If she wants to chat in a friendly way we are fine. But she's never up for friendly chat. Our stipulations are non negotiable. We won't be abused anymore.

Now in no way do you need to come down on your kids like we did. But you can limit phone calls too...with boundaries, calling times like no calls after 8 or before 9. and you don't have to answer calls or read texts if you are not in the mood. It's your phone, your time, you matter. Do only what you can stand doing if this idea resonates with you.

Distance is phone and social media distance too. Nasty calls can knock you right down again. Adults can choose to be nice. Or not. I can choose not to listen to Kay if she is still rude.

But that is a choice. There is no eight or wrong really. Whatever works.
 
Last edited:

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
There’s just no accountability on their part. They think they’re doing their best and it’s a far cry from that.
This is my weak link. When I insert my dreams, my yearnings, my fears, my worries, my expectations, what I would want...into my son, my expectations of him, or begin to become taken with "what I would want for him."

More than once my son has clearly told me. "I am not you." But the other side of the coin is he has learned to manipulate me through my fears, wishes, dreams, worries. It has become his power center in our relationship and maybe in his life. The one place where he has true power is in me.

Maybe this is true of all kids when they are babies, but it should not be the case at 32 years old! (I tell myself.)

I believe we don't have to throw out the baby with the bathwater. I can now catch myself (sooner rather than later) when I go to this place.

JP. Self-attack does nothing good. You're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It's just to go back to the drawing board (to mix metaphors.) There is a place inside of you that is whole. That is love and acceptance. A centering. It's restoring relationships with ourselves. I think we have to find that place and insist that it be kept safe and that we structure our lives in such a way that keeps it pure.

You may have to go back to tightening boundaries again. To identify what practices you need to have to keep your own integrity. We may all have to do that periodically. An inventory. Maybe every day, every week, etc. But this does not mean we're wrong or bad. We just got out of sync with ourselves and our needs.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Thank you all for your comments and replies. Honestly, just receiving input from you all makes me feel like crying. You don't know me personally, but it feels like you care and Copa you are right, I am going through a self-attack and I feel like a bad person for failing. Failing in the sense of not being strong enough and having the right discernment of knowing what's the cap on helping. Well, no let me re-phrase that. My gut knows the cap on "helping" but it's my inability to be strong enough to put limits on my helping even when I know in the long run it only prolongs the inevitable.

I think what's brought me to being to this place again is that they both have turned a corner and are respectful to me now. I think it was easier to say "enough" when they were horrible towards me but that has changed.

I'm hoping it will get better. My older son has just started working temp work last week and it's keeping him busy 8 hours a day and or night if he works 3rd shift. They get paid the same day they work so he doesn't have to wait weekly or bi-weekly for money. He just got his car back after repairs from the accident and will be living in it again and showering at the gym. He seems ok with that. His working will keep him from being underfoot and looking for my constant emotional, financial and pshycological support. My younger son (28), getting a haircut today and looking to schedule an appointment for a job interview. I think his roommates have been giving him a really hard time about not working (Justly so!). He previously worked for almost 8 months straight and didn't ask me for a dime. I know he's capable but he can quickly fall back into laziness, smoking pot, playing video games and not caring about anything.

I truly appreciate being able to speak my heart with no judgement - just good sound advice and encouragement.
 
Top