Back With New USer ID/Another Relapse Update

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Hopingforthe best, Mar 13, 2017.

  1. My old user name is havehadenough70. But since i seem incapable of completely exercising the meaning of it and moving on with my life, i thought it was time to change it.

    Unfortunately, my almost 25 year old son is back at it again. Since last July when he entered detox for Oxycontin, he is still struggling. After he detoxed, he entered a one month rehab at the facility then against my better judgement allowed him home. Stayed clean for another few weeks then relapsed beginning of September. However, he was still working a full time pizza delivery job which would start at 4pm and end by 2am so we rarely crossed paths and perhaps because i didn't want to deal with it, just assumed he was okay even though he had stopped contributing to the amount we had agreed upon. Anyway, at the beginning of October, he sat me down and said he wanted to enter detox and do an inpatient rehab. So he got himself in and waited at the holding for inpatient but couldn't fine a bed so i helped him get into the rehab he was in two years ago and paid out of pocket since they don't take insurance.

    He finished 30 days and entered sober living at the beginning of November. Did well, volunteered in a soup kitchen four days a week, before he found a full time job. Started job in mid December and all was good with the world. Sadly, the good times didn't last. In mid January, he broke a house rule at the sober living by visiting a girl which resulted in suspension and spending a night at the homeless shelter. To his credit, he didn't use and so the manager of the sober living found him a new place which (and this makes me so sad thinking what could have been for son) is run by a friend of my son's who was with him at the inpatient rehab in 2014 and has maintained sobriety, gone back to school where he will graduate in May and opened a sober house with another young man.

    Well son was doing okay, maintaining a job, paying for his rent and food and being responsible. But in Feb 13th, he came home for a possession with intent to distribute court hearing from last year. By then he was 4 and a half months clean and looked so healthy and his old self. I was so proud of him. One week later, he relapsed. He started using pills again and was thrown out of the house.

    When he called me,i was so sad and furious at the same time but didn't ask him what he was going to do. He said he didn't call to ask for anything just to let me know. I told him i was completely staying out of his way this time and good luck with figuring it out because i was spent emotionally, financially, and truly there was nothing left for me except love him. That was 18 days ago. Since then, i have called him twice but he hasn't tried to contact me. The manager of the sober living he was at before the last tried to meet with him but he didn't go. The owner of the sober living he was at last has remained in contact and has updated me regularly on what is going on, which is that son stayed at a homeless shelter on and off but has been crashing at a friend's house for the last week. He is still working but when i asked him whether he wants to go back to sober living a week ago, he said that he wasn't ready yet. However, he maintains that he stopped using a few days after relapse and still clean.

    Well i feel there is nothing left for me to do (as usual, hope i can maintain it), but the pain of wondering whether he is using or not and letting go is excruciating. So i am going to hang around here for support to get through this. I really have no clue what i am doing but i am praying that he is alright. Also, i don't know whether to continue checking on him once in a while even though he hasn't contacted me or asked for yet anything, just to know he is okay. What do you guys think?
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I am so sorry for your pain.

    My feeling is that you need to move on with your life and knowing what he is doing will just cause you pain. Im a big fan of staying off their social media and doing our best to move on with help from therapy and Al Anon.

    When/if he is better he will let you know because he eill be proud of himself. Lack of contact usually means not good news. Since you cant stop him from doing what he will do, there is no reason to torture yourself by checking. Often they lie on social media anyway.

    Hugs and hoping for the best with you.
     
  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Welcome back and sorry you are going through this.

    If I were you I'd seek out therapy to help you maintain healthy boundaries. Also support groups can be helpful for some but I prefer single therapy for myself. This really has helped me tremendously and it is helping my son also.

    Your son is a grown man. His sobriety is really up to him. He will sink or swim on his own. You told him you love him and that's all you need to do at this point. There is nothing YOU can do to make HIM want to be sober. I had to learn this the hard way. I was running circles around my son for five years plus and I am beyond exhausted.

    We sent our son out of state to sober living after his fourth in patient rehab a year ago. It was a wonderful place. We could not have him home again and I wanted him someplace warm in case he ended up homeless. I couldn't handle him in our home for one more minute. I wanted to live in peace and that was not going to happen as long as he was in our home. He was either using or sober and sitting on the couch playing games and watching TV and waiting for God knows what to happen to change his life. We couldn't take it anymore. It was all so dysfunctional.

    He has had a few major setbacks while away but is slowly getting on track. I didn't want to wake up one day with a 30 year old man with a hairy chest demanding what we were going to do for him next. I really don't think he wanted that for himself either but he was stuck. He is now working and taking a college class and will go full time in the fall (waiting for residency). If you had told me this a year ago I never would have believed it was possible. I know he isn't out of the woods yet.

    You can't make him change but you can change and in the end hopefully he will see that he is responsible for his own life. I tell my son to try to do something positive every day of his life. I don't know if he will listen but at least it gives him something to think about.
     
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  4. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    hello,

    Been through the sober living thing. Want to know a blessing? He told you he isn't ready yet.....at least it wasn't a lie. He has the tools to get through this, he knows sober people who can get him in the right direction. He may not contact you be cause of shame. Our son usually only spoke to us a lot when things were good.

    I would let him know you love and are routing for him...support emotionally will do it. He will do it when he is ready......

    Hugs, it's beyond hard, we know.
     
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  5. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    For me, because I rely on faith to get through, I find the hardest thing to understand is that I want everything fixed now including my son, my family, my heart. especially when I have to realize that it is God's timing not mine, and God that my son needs to seek out. Praying for you and everyone here that our hearts will be made whole.
     
  6. S
    omewhere, thank you. The thing is, i haven't checked his social media accounts for more than two years now. I opened a Facebook account for the first time last year and haven't logged in for months so i am not torturing myself that way. Also i recently joined a local support group for parents of addicts and it is going well especially since most of the parents there have been exactly where i am right now but they testify that when they let go that is when their kids started to get better. I will continue going. I also saw a therapist when my son was in rehab but when things started getting better with him i stopped going. Maybe it is time to go back.

    RN, thanks for this reminder. I have truly been trying to remind myself over and over again about this. I hope it sticks.

    Mof, this is exactly what the manager of the sober living told me, so you are both correct. I know it too but the waiting is what hurts. Thank you for the support.
     
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  7. Catmom, thank you for the prayers. I pray but i am ashamed to say when things are going great, i tend to relax and sometimes even forget to pray but then a crises arises and i am playing nonstop. I hope to do better in this area though.
     
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hoping

    When friends ask me about my son, I say that he is "stable". It seems like every time I said he was "doing good" then something bad would happen. My husband says he's doing good. I just can't. To me "doing good" has SO MUCH meaning that I won't use those words....for now.
     
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  9. RN, i hear you on this. I have a friend who i used to share my son's problems with. Last year September when my son was living at home, he had an epiphany and decided he would return to college. The first week of school, my friend caught up with son at my house who told the poor lady that he was now enrolled for two classes at the local community college which made her ecstatic. Luckily, no fees had been made before son decided he wanted to go to detox. Fast forward mid last month when son came home for a court appearance before he had relapsed. Son was in his room upstairs getting ready to go back when my friend came in to visit. Because she is the friend who i can no longer trust with son's issues, i text son upstairs to let him know the friend was there so that i could continue the lie that son is still in school because that is what i have been telling her, so i tell son to say he is going to school. Though i hate lying, i am so tired of explaining son' s life so i choose to avoid the truth sometimes. When son came down, the poor lady gushed on how well and handsome son looked. Oh well...

    In other news, son just called me today to report that he is coming home this week for a court appearance. He maintains he is clean of pills but is still smoking marijuana and drinking sometimes. He seems content with the life of sleeping at a friend's couch alternating with the local shelter. Though it kills me, all i said was if you are happy with the life you are living, good for you. He claims that he is trying to save money to get an apartment but i call bs. I don't believe him. On Saturday, he had called his cousin to borrow money for a ticket to get to our state for court but i told cousin it was up to her whatever she wanted to do but adviced her to tell son that she could only buy a ticket. Son never responded to that, so my guess is the money was going to go for something else. On the other hand, he didn't ask me for anything so i am happy he is learning that he will never get money from me. But i am willing to host him for that one night when he comes to town for court and then off he goes.

    Also, i found a very supportive group in our town that is helping me to cope and move forward. This group is better than i thought. I have in the past attended Al non but never felt like i was gaining anything. This one is different and since i started going i find myself not thinking about son often and anytime i do, i comfort myself with testimonies from other members whose children are doing well simply because they stopped doing. The group is sort of like this forum but with live members which is very helpful. So i will continue attending.
     
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