Bah Humbug!!! Christmas for what reason? Wish we didnt celebrate :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, Dec 25, 2013.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Well hope your mornings went great. Ours... my son got up in the middle of the night and caught us bringing presents out..luckily the ones from Santa weren't there. Back to bed he went. 4/5 hours later hes up got his sis and they started opening presents.... well he was happy smiling and when my dad was throwing out wrapping paper he was fine, I started and he got mad and told us both "to shut up screaming I said don't touch wait- don't you see when you should talk to me or get the paper?" Of course previous to that he yelled at my dad because my dad was watching him open gifts. My son has been this way a few years too, just worsens every year.That is on and off as we speak and my daughter with her lack of emotions once again didn't smile even tho she got what she wanted .. she has been this way since she was 6 years old :( She claims she was tired.... Its sad for me to think how happy we and other kids were growing up as well as kids today who actually are happy on Christmas with smiles. That must be an amazing feeling and gift for those who get to experience that.

    I am seriously thinking we should switch to a religion where there's no presents just so we can avoid presents all together.

    I asked my kids if they are happy with us a couple months ago, teachers have asked them and they say "yes they want us and are happy" so I just dont get it.
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending gentle hugs your way. For me, I've had to learn to adjust my expectations of Christmas because of difficult child (and easy child/difficult child when she was a teenager as well). I started considering it a success if it was non violent-sad huh? There were many years where I wondered why we were celebrating. Fortunately last year and this year both difficult child and easy child/difficult child have been very pleasant (even though difficult child was up at 2:00 this morning and kept waking us up every 1/2 hour to check if we were ready to open presents even though we told him 7:00).
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm still thinking Daughter could be on high end of autism spectrum. Social anxiety does not cause a blunted affect. That's an entirely unrelated can be present in any form of autism.

    Why did you ask them if they are happy with you? Just curious. Are they adopted? I am so sorry, but I can't remember your entire story.

    I am sorry you were disappointed this morning and hope things improve. I do think you really need to accelerate the evaluations. Doesn't sound like whoever is treating your kids is getting to the core issues and nothing is changing.

    Big hugs!!!
  4. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I didn't understand the happy ? either, no matter. I was reading the potty thread also the one big ? I have is who diagnosis'd the 7yo with adHd? No make that 2 ?s is he having hallucinations? The screaming to shut up while picking up the paper unless you were yelling while doing it sends up a big red flag to me. Noticed that type stuff mentioned in the potty thread too.

    7yo can have hallucinations from sleep deprivation, anxiety, many things what caused it for my daughter Angel when she was 6yo was the stimulant medication they started her on when she was 4yo. Ritalin was a God send for her older brother but for Angel it landed her in a psychiatric hospital for 17 days when she was 6yo. - behaviors very similar to what you described in those 2 threads.

    If there is anyway to get it done try to get him in for a full neuropsychologist evaluation.- developmental pediatrician good place to start. If your not charting at least do a calendar red/anger, blue/sad, green/food related (this could be food allergy)note time goes to sleep & wakes.

    This could be anything but doesn't sound like any adHd I've ever heard of and I strongly urge you to get him evaluated or second opinion all of you have suffered enough.

  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I'm going to be blunt. You need to adjust your expectations. Smiling, happy kids nicely unwrapping their presents and being grateful and agreeable about it happens in tv-shows and commercials. Real life - not so much.

    Even the perfectly easy child kids in best circumstances tend to be pain during the Christmas. Anxiety is just so high. Kid with issues - forget having that picture perfect Christmas, or any other holiday for the matter.

    Though Helpangel is also likely right. Your son is likely having some other issues along with ADHD. At least he sounds like he has high anxiety a lot. Cause for that can of course be many things and you need to push more evaluations for him hard.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I've had many Christmases where I just wanted to dig myself a deep, deep hole and bury myself in it. Between the meltdowns, tantrums and the completely ungrateful attitude I have thought that there is just no reason to celebrate the holiday. I totally understand how you feel. I'm sorry the day was not better for you and your family.

    How was he after he opened his presents?
  7. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Thanks everyone. I asked them if they were happy because with my daughter not really showing emotion and my son and his violence ( failing grades) I wanted to make sure if their was something I can change for them if they weren't happy or if something was bothering them. I do my best for them I believe I am and I just felt as if it was me as I have been told. But they said they were happy with me and I left it alone. They are biologically mine. I am trying to rule out or factor in what if any problems Im causing but it seems as if you all are right that my daughter does have something wrong as well as my son. My grandfather/ the kids father always says its my fault because all the kids they know dont act like mine :( The father also adds its all my fault because my mom was schizophrenic and he says his family was fine ( all men in his family are extremely violent/ womanizers/ and most were/are drunks) His other kids are not like mine so is why I tend to agree with him and my grandpa. But of course my grandpa will change his tune at times and say my sons not rite.

    Wiped Out- Glad you had a better Christmas this year! :)

    MidwestMom- Thanks and I agree, his appointment is next week and he is suppose to start a new pill for his violence ( yes still neurologist) and this time the Dr is suppose to have therapists for us as well as someone who can do the full evaluation!

    helpangel- I have been going to his pediatrician for years and they finally sent me to a family counselor who at first said anxiety/odd need to see further by the third visit my son "played nice and had good coordination skills " so he said the problem was me. All the years the doctors said he was all boy, be firm, hold him down like this in a rage, etc. Well, finally one of his doctors listened again and I brought in that I was on a forum for years, took multiple online quizzes, wrote his daily tantrums/ set offs etc and even recorded it ( no one wanted to see it until this dr) failing grades, letter from teacher on his behavior and he listed him as ODD/ADHD and possible Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and sent us to a neurologist who diagnosed him with ADHD/ Sleeping issue because my son woke up tired, slept like a "clock" turning etc. My son had an EEG done so far and an hoping for that full evaluation. I agree, theres something more than just his listed issies, the EEG showed the aggression part, but I will double check how that showed and how its said correctly. As far as your daughter and son, your right, the medications can effect them differently and I hope they are doing better today :) I need to check the threads here...

    SuZir- I know, its so hard to accept it I guess. I am pushing believe me, I am going to see who he can find because everyone I have called said the dont do neuropsychologist exams, but someone here or near by has too, it exists!!!

    bunny- hugs to you. I am sorry you all have had these Christmases and other days like this. I wish none of us or our kids had issues and everyone was happy and healthy in every way. After he opened his presents he was still moody off and on... happy than moody. The neighbors kid came over and played a while and he got a little attitude with her but even when she left has his happy and mad issues. Its amazing how one minute hes so lovable and we can say almost anything and the next minute or a short later he is angry either for a reason or no reason and cant say anything. Even now that hes sick, ( cold) he still happy one minute and a little bit later angry again ( hes asleep now).
  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Wow sounds like you have been getting the same run around I went thru... my son wasn't even 2yo when was ?ing pediatrician doctor about possibly "hyper" (had never heard of ADD) was told "no little boys just run & jump a lot" but when he was 4yo and I took him to a psychologist on insistence of daycare teachers tired of being beat up he was in or over 95% on every test for ADD, ritalin was like they waved a magic wand.

    When Angel his half sister was 4yo started beating up teachers & bolting from daycare the same pediatrician said "a little ritalin won't hurt" (even I didn't know her father had been diagnosis schizophrenia as a teen then) it helped at first but doses kept going up without helping, leading to a full crash at 6yo.

    It didn't help that when she was 4yo children's protective services targeted my household determined Angel was acting up because father abused her and me neglectful mother had allowed it. Instead of getting her into a real doctor for any real evaluations she wasted a year in counseling at the CPS ordered sexual abuse program... No one will ever really know what happened but to this day I don't believe her dad sexually or physically abused Angel, verbal & emotional abuse absolutely but not the other. He did however abuse me in all 4 area's.

    It didn't help that during my walking nervous breakdown years I had CPS looking at me thru a microscope blaming me for everything and sending me to classes that didn't help educate me to my kids needs. It's so much easier to fix my bad parenting skills then to acknowledge that sometimes genuine mental illness does exist in children.

    If I made you feel like that I apologize, it sounds to me like you are a very caring mother who is doing everything possible to get at the route of what's going on. I've worked a lot of years doing advocacy in children's mental health usually biggest problems come from sleep deprivation or food allergies and I've seen both problems mis-diagnosed as mental illness many times. Keep looking for those answers and if the answers you get you don't agree with or feel in your gut there is something more keep looking.

    Reading thru this post I know it's very lucky Angel is still alive... father split, mom lost her mind, food sensitivities, GI & thyroid problems, all the sensory issues (and other autism stuff that wasn't diagnosis till age 12) ritalin that caused mania & hallucinations and all those other years of medications that were wrong for her, CPS spinning her mom in wrong direction for treatment ... wow my wish is that no child (or parent) should ever have to go thru what we went thru. It's a miracle any/all of us survived those years.

  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm wondering....first of all, why does your grandfather feel a need to pin the children's problems on your mother's side of the family? Why does it matter? At any rate, he doesn't have a stellar DNA pool...I'm wondering if he is really an asset to your family or if he undermines you all the time? He is very unhelpful making the comments that you relayed to us. Do you have to live with him? It must be hard enough to parent two special needs children without his hurtful comments. This IS NOT ANYONE'S FAULT!

    It just is.

    I'd be thinking about long term plans and getting away from this grandfather. If it were me, hearing that would make me feel inadequate and guilty...and nobody needs that.
  10. Confused

    Confused Guest

    helpangel- yes I have gotten the run around for years, hearing oh your a single mom, your tired, hes a boy, etc! Sorry you heard it too. Isnt it something how CPS is more concerned over the parents who are doing nothing wrong than the parents who cant parent at all? My cousins mom had CPS called multiple times for many reasons, my grandma got them and they went right back with their mom. My uncle wasn't Mr wonderful either but was better than her and they still had the kids with their mom, begging on the streets for money and abusive step dad, alcohol, drugs but those poor kids had to be with her until she died and my uncle got them. My best friends kids dad is violent/drug user and yet.. he has rights and always starts trouble with her but they dont check him!!! Its so sad.

    Im so sorry you had a nervous breakdown, its ruff and some of you have had a lot worse situation than me. You didnt make me feel anything but encouragement, you, like everyone else here just keeps pulling me back on the track because otherwise I will just sit here and blame all of it on myself and listen to those who say it. I do need to change some ways about me, but I just know something is different with my kids. It makes it harder that my kids half brothers have no issues so another reason I feel im all at fault. I like all of you and all of your opinions and ideas. We all learn from each other and I need to hear things how it is... no matter. But everything has been support :)

    MidwestMom- No my grandfather blames me not my mom. He says its the way I and my dad raised my kids but than later says he thinks somethings really wrong with my son and thats what affecting my daughter. He has done so much otherwise for us financially and even emotionally. Yes even tho he says there's no other disorders besides Schizophrenia, Downs Syndrome and what his helps daughter has..she is slow.. I cant remember Ill ask 2morrow.He also says that my sons violence can not be hereditary from his dad and cant be something that formed from my mom. I told him the Neurologist even said it can!!! He still doesn't believe and he doesn't live in the same house. As far as blaming everything on my moms issue is my kids dad. He says its also my fault- that with him, the kids would be perfect. Also at times, like recently - he will make a comment " thanks for being a good mom to my kids" etc. So talk about head shaking! I do feel inadequate and guilty from many people about many things and I know Im far from perfect but I also know that my kids are my life and I will do anything I can for them.
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, you didn't cause this and I personally don't think you should listen to that stuff about it being your fault, even if grandfather is helping grandkids financially. He is helping THEM, not you. Doubt he'd stop if you gently told him that you really are going to put the blame game and the "I could do better parenting" talk off limits. That doesn't help you or the kids and it's garbage talk anyway. I'm glad he doesn't live with you. Maybe you should limit the amount of time and conversation that you have with him. When a child is struggling, there really is no place to worry about who had the "bad" genes. You need to tell your son's and daughter's doctors the truth about their genetics on both sides and to listen to THEM, not grandpa. Maybe Grandpa needs to be spending less time around them. Is he an alcoholic in recovery?

    As for ex, he isn't exactly a stellar father. I'd ignore what he says completely.
  12. Confused

    Confused Guest

    I know, but my grandfather is old and doesn't have much time left in this world. Most of the time he doesn't say anything to the kids .. when he does he tells them just to be good and makes deals with them and tells my daughter how important answering and talking is, along with lectures on grades and school. No my grandfather was never an alcoholic.. just very very old school,( he's in his 90's) ex military and religious as well as prejudice. ( long story)

    Their father is the alcoholic, violent, womanizer, Disneyland dad and decides when he wants to be around- when convenient to him ( which supposedly he doesn't do anymore now that hes married again but this time with a kid) all of a sudden after 20 plus years of this behavior he has stopped. I try not to talk to him believe me!!! Only when he calls or texts or shows up out of no where... not often.
  13. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Wow after reading that description of their father I was scratching my head wondering if our kids were half siblings? If the X has a son "RJ" born 11/1/02 private message me we need to talk.

    All this talk about who's gene's these behaviors came from my answer is everyone related and who cares? I've seen identical twins that one was a easy child the other spent whole life in and out of hospitals, juvi and finally prison.

    The point is you are the parent, trying to do what is best and if they aren't going to help & encourage you they need to ZIP IT! Having you second guessing yourself all the time isn't helping the kids; back when my kids were that age if someone had claimed all was wrong was my parenting we would have become house guests while they showed me how to do it right LOL. No way would I have left my kids alone with those morons though.

    That stuff is what made me so mad with CPS they would do investigation then send letter along lines of "you haven't done anything wrong but we are ordering you to complete 2 parenting classes within 2 months" then give me a 40 page list of junk that doesn't apply to my kids seriously I didn't need a hispanic substance abuse or Japanese fathers of newborn class - I was a single white woman trying to raise 3 special needs kids while working full time with no help from the father. I needed a nanny or a house keeper not another parenting class... or just enough money to live so I could focus on the kids.

    About 10 years ago my mother really ticked off many family members by getting genealogy study done. A couple of my sister's kids won't speak to my mom still they are so mad at being notified there is a mutant cancer gene in our gene pool. My response was "of course there is I could have told you that without all those expensive tests"... It's a no brainer in my book grandma died of cancer, aunt & uncle had cancer, mom ovarian then 20yrs later breast cancer, my sister breast, bladder & lung (each primary) ... all thru the family tree on mom's mom's side if accident didn't get them by the time they were 60yo they had cancer all of them.

    My sisters kids acted like my mom gave them cancer when they heard about the study results. They don't even consider the fact that the gene would have still been there had they not known about it and they wouldn't exist if my sister had not been born (bringing that gene with her). Even if they could remove the "bad" genes at what point do we all become clones or something similar?

    What concerns me about your son is when doctors hear schizophrenia in family tree they tend to have a knee jerk reaction toward attitude this is all mental. Angel had food sensitivities, sensory issues, GI & thyroid issues that didn't get proper attention until she was 12yo when I took her to a developmental pediatrician. 6 years into treatment for bipolar, ODD & adHd before anyone addressed those issues, she still had bipolar but all those other things were causing the bipolar to be 100 times worse then it ever had to get.

    Sorry this got so long just when I see someone else looking into the trap that almost took my head off ...

  14. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    HUGS sweetie you have a lot of negative people feeding you a steady diet of total $#^+. All you can do is the best that you can.
  15. Confused

    Confused Guest

    helpangel- as far as I know he doesn't have any kids born that year. But it is sad how many parents dont take the right and privilege being a parent seriously. Or .. they think their lifestyle is perfectly fine... ha. Im so sorry you and your family has gone thru so much tragedy :( Cancer is horrible, that runs in our family too besides heart disease. Your right, it was obvious in your families case about how it runs in your family without the tests! I pray everything gets better for you all. Plus your right on food allergies, I have tried the no additives/dyes etc with my son but need to start it again. Of course with the holidays that went out the window plus he gets stuff from his friends at school. But Im glad you were able to figure all that out with Angel.

    pasajes4- Thank you- Its hard not to believe it after a while.. hugs back