The same old thing

overcome mom

Active Member
I hope everyone that celebrates Christmas had a lovely time. For me it was the same old thing. It was just my husband and myself Christmas morning.
The day prior my son finally answered a text from his dad who asked him how he was doing. Of course, he said that things were bad. Like I mentioned previously he is homeless. He had told me he was living mostly out of his car. He informed his dad that he had let someone drive his car that didn't have his license ( claims he didn't know that )and the car was impounded. He has no money to get it out. He told his father that he had been trying to get hold of me for 2 days ( I had no missed calls or texts). I knew I probably shouldn't do this, but I searched around through the court information and found that he had gotten tickets on the 17th for driving on a revoked license. I would bet that's when they impounded the car. The worst thing is that I saw other charges that were just filed- possession of Meth. He had gotten picked up the beginning of November for driving without a license and no valid registration. I assume they just filed these charges because they got back confirmation of what the substance was. As a reminder he is on probation for selling meth and has 10 years hanging over his head.
Fast forward to yesterday I told him that we would meet him to give him his Christmas presents. To make a long story short we drove 45 minutes to meet him. Prior to this there was some back and forth about when and where and I decided that we should just take off and go to where he was so we wouldn't have to wait around all day for him to figure out what was going on. When we got to this place, he came out with a bag with his things in it and a girl. I asked him why he had all his things ? He said because the people that were living there, we're leaving. He asked if we could give him a ride as we were going by some his friend's house on our way back. This totally pissed my husband off as he had not mentioned anything about this before. We decided to drive them even though I felt very uncomfortable with this because of the whole covid-19. I know he is not being careful
His father felt compelled to tell this girl that was with him that she shouldn't count on my son to help her get back to her home up north. Said he's a nice guy but very unreliable. He not only says this once he ends up warning her three different times. I do have to give it to my son that he didn't say anything to his father at that time. I really didn't think that, that was the time and place to do that. The woman was at least 25 years old and I am sure she knew what she was doing. In fact, she said as much to my husband the first time he said something. Because of this strain as soon as we dropped him off my son he got his stuff and left didn't really even get to talk to him and basically threw his gifts at him. He later text my husband saying he didn't appreciate him trashing him in front of his friends. When my husband gets upset he doubles down and then won't back off. When he calms down, he apologizes and regrets what he said. I did agree with what he said but thought there was no reason to say it. My son is not going to change.
My husband was very upset when we left home to meet him. He basically doesn't deal too much with his feelings with regard to our son. He just tries to put it out of his mind. I have not told him at all about what I found online as he just gets to upset then starts drinking even more. I was trying so hard to not let my son's issues bring me down for the day. That my husband got so upset made it very hard to keep positive attitude. I have been reading a book called When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us Letting go of their problems, Loving them anyways, getting on with our lives . It talks about detachment from the child's problem but not from them and I was trying to do that. "Detachment demands that we rethink our priorities and shift them from our kids to ourselves" "Detachments that allow us to take pleasure in the moment, even if those we love are in pain."
I am now in the waiting game of when he is going to get arrested. That would be the best scenario rather than being killed or hurt. One day one moment at a time.
Thanks for listening it helps to get it out


New Member
Ok maybe your husband was wrong to say those things in front of the girl. But could he have been angry at what your son did (ie not telling you about needing a ride?) That was not a nice thing to do.


I think it’s hard to detach from our grown children, if we still have a relationship with them and continue to see how they corrupt their lives. This is regarding to the book that you’re reading.

overcome mom

Active Member
I was trying to make my post shorter and didn't add that my husband did tell my son before they even got into the car that he didn't appreciate that he set us up to give him a ride and if he did it again we would not give him a ride. They both knew he was mad before they even got in the car. Like I said I agree with my husband about my son's behavior it was more how angry he got. It is hard to describe how he gets- if my son would have said anything to him he would have started to yelling at him. Things would have escalated. My husband admitted the next day his angry was out of control (we talked about today) but at the time it he can barley control himself.


Well-Known Member
Dear Overcome Mom, I’m sorry this was how your Christmas turned out. It can be tricky when we react differently or process things differently to our partners. Dealing with kids like ours is such a difficult thing and at times we will be in a different head space to our partners. Maybe you could talk to your husband about your feelings at a time when things are calm, maybe explain about what you’ve been reading and how it’s helped you.
I have found “detaching with love” has helped me to cope and actually improved my relationship with my son. Now that I have stopped enabling him, he is actually doing better. Of course I know things will never be perfect. It will never be “over” because he has mental health issues that he chooses not to treat, but for now things are stable and I’m doing okay. (Not that I don’t have my moments!)

I read a similar book to the one you described, which you might like. It helped me a lot. I’ll try to find the name of it and post that for you ASAP.


Well-Known Member
Overcome mom... I just wanted to give you a hug and tell you I can relate on so many levels. A husband that has little tolerance for son’s behavior and choices. The Meth use by son. Homelessness. Facing prison Etc. I have either been there or are currently there with my sons.

Im glad you are reading a book that is helping you and also posting here. I hope and pray your next Christmas is filled with peace and joy.

Like you said, one day one moment at a time.


Well-Known Member
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
As others have said, I can totally relate to so much you say. Christmas by yourselves, the fear of what will happen looming, the lack of consideration, your husband's frustration, which only exacerbates things. Been there with all of that.

It sounds as though you are learning to detach and still be loving - which is really hard, but important. Good for you.