I don't know how much you've been reading, but I frequently post advice on how to transition with less pain. This came from difficult child 3's psychologist:
We bought some brightly coloured Post-It notes (do you have these? 3M company makes them). Plus, we have a schedule (we try to keep it strict - we HAD to be strict with it when he was younger). Games stop during school hours and after 8.30 pm. From 6 pm all games must be away from the main TV so that whoever is preparing diner can watch the news (or whatever they want). Between 10 am and 11 am on weekdays difficult child 3 watched the educational stuff on our national TV network.
Generally we need to transition difficult child 3 OFF games and onto a range of other things. These days we don't need to use the notes, but this is how it worked - we would tell him, "Your bath/dinner/chores are ready. How long will it take you to get to a point in your game when you can save it and shut it down?"
If he says, "ten minutes," we then say, "OK, you have ten minutes to get to a save point. If you have not by then you must pause it and go and do what we asked you."
We then write the task on the Post-It note, along with the time he was told. We might also write, "off game by x time" to make it really clear. We then stick the Post-It note in the corner of t he screen but where it won't interfere with his game.
The biggest problem we used to face was, "But I don't remember you telling me!" This wasn't a lie - he really had tuned us out. He had answered automatically but his mind was on his game. This way the note provided instant proof that we weren't just making it up to be mean - it was true, he had acknowledged and he had been given plenty of notice.
Egg timers can also work, but it needs to be a system that the child is happy with, too. Sit and discuss it, tell him you're trying to find a way to help him enjoy his play time and to finish what he's doing without feeling rushed, but it's just not good organisation to expect the rest of the family to have to arrange their activities around him, especially when they don't always know when he's going to be finished something. If the bath is ready, it will get cold unless SOMEONE is sent to have their bath. If he's not ready he will miss his turn. If he stalls too long, his dinner will get cold. But if you can work as a team, he can feel satisfied in completing his activity AND not have to eat a cold dinner or have a cold bath, or do outside chores after sunset.
Once he realises you're trying to work with him and not merely being a barrier, he will begin to work with you also. It takes time and there are often tantrums along the way, but it is a positive step.
We also chose to not discipline these outbursts because they are not primarily rudeness, they are coming from anxiety and frustration. We don't shout back, we merely say that we don't like being shouted at. However, we choose our moments - if we can see he's about to completely lose it, we back off from over-correction and try to just deal with whatever is the problem. To difficult child 3's credit, he rarely reacts to other people shouting at him as he used to. easy child 2/difficult child 2 was shouting at him yesterday morning about how he left an empty toilet roll in the loo when there is a bin right there to put it in. Finally her boyfriend interrupted her (it took some effort - she was in full Aspie Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) mode over it) and said, "It wasn't your little brother, it was me. It was 1 am, I was barely awake, I just don't think about that sort of thing when I'm one step away from sleepwalking."
It was really funny - she can yell at her little brother, but not at her boyfriend. To her credit, she apologised to difficult child 3 for accusing him unjustly (over an empty toilet roll! Good grief!)
So even though he was only involved on the edge of that one, he still learnt from HER loss of face, that it's risky to accuse someone when you haven't got all the facts.
Your son's friend is probably your best asset. That is wonderful for him. There are a lot of things you can do to support and help your son, but chances are there are many gifts you haven't yet seen, let alone had the chance to unwrap. Kids like this can't lie effectively (other than try to claim, "I didn't do it!" when they did, so eventually they will learn to not try to lie, if you can challenge them when you read the signs). They are intensely loyal. They are intensely loving to those whom they value (their choice) which flies in the face of previous beliefs that these kids were emotionally cold. They are not. it's just that they don't show their feelings well, but those feelings are definitely there. They are often very bright and gifted, even if it's only in a narrow area. Once you can bring their language skills back into the normal range (and for some this is very difficult; for others, intensive therapy can work wonders) then they can make astounding academic and social progress. Especially academic.
They often have a different way of learning. Let them do it their way. Encourage them. Value them openly. Love them openly and unconditionally, but don't get physical except on their terms. Don't just grab for a hug, ask them for a hug. Expect great things of them and support them in getting there.
difficult child 3 is hyperlexic, which for us meant that the written word was the key to teaching him to communicate. It was intensive but enriching for him and very rewarding. The speed at which he could learn was amazing. Using the written word, he learnt all his colours (when he had previously not even understood the concept of colour) in a few hours' intensive play with his babysitter. Seriously - I dropped him off at 10 am and when I collected him at 2 pm he showed me, and read to me, all the colours of the rainbow. He then showed me the different colours on blocks. The doorway in to colours for him was the red colour of a stop light, then the green for go. The word "stop" is written in a lot of places and he had finally made the connection, because I'd previously taught him the word "stop" by drawing traffic lights and a stop sign, in red. HIs babysitter had given him the rest of the rainbow, in four hours.
It's moments like these with our kids that make motherhood simply magical.
Marg
