Behind bars 2 hours away.....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by mstang67chic, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    ....and the boy STILL gets my goat!


    In true difficult child fashion he's got something in his head and will. not. let. up. His release date is coming up (in SIX flipping months!!) and he's obsessing over where he's going to go. SIX. MONTHS.

    We've told him repeatedly that he won't be living here. We refuse to live like that again. We love him, he's welcome to visit and even spend the night now and then but live here? Nope. And also in true difficult child parent fashion, it helps to have someone else to pin the blame on. So....I told him that we'll have our foster license by then (I hope) and he can't live here as he isn't a licensed foster parent.

    But....not even your own son???? (said in the most pathetic sad little voice)

    Um, son? You're 21 years old. When you get out you'll be 22. You are an ADULT!

    But he's got nothing, he has nowhere to go, no money, blah blah blah.

    Well let's see. We have all of your stuff from the apartment you were living in at the time of your arrest. Furniture, bedding, dishes, pans.....everything you needed in your apartment. That's obviously NOT nothing as it's taking up precious space in my house.

    husband had been in the shower during the majority of the conversation but the second he got out....I handed off. I was about ready to go off and I couldn't do it.

    And all of this means I"m going to sleep like koi tonight because every time we have a conversation about where he's going to live, especially one lie this....I have dreams that he's back here and doing the same old routine.


    Where is Raoul when you need him???
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    sorry. I can relate to the trouble sleeping part when things wont settle down in my head after conversations especially. I go over and over what I did say, should have said, want to say.... and think about the problem in total, not wanting the stress anymore....etc.

    For me, sometimes nothing but going thru it helps. Sometimes writing it all out does help a ton. (like somewhere in me maybe I ruminate on it all because I am afraid I will miss one of my very important thoughts.... and might forget it.... so writing it out just lets it lie there....for me, I know it is not for everyone)

    I hope you can find other things to think about today to help get your thoughts on another track so you can at least get some sleep tonight.

    I love your answers by the way. I used a form of putting it on others today in fact. It really does make a difference here.
  3. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Boy, can I identify with this! At least he's legally adult now and you are able to make freer decisions about it all. I know that doesn't make it easy....I feel your pain and frustration.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh how I dread that conversation, "but I have no place else to go." I hope he can find a place of his own when he is released. I certainly can relate to the not coming back home scenario.

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Don't blame you one bit for the not coming back home part. I think I'm hard nosed, I'd be afraid of the spend the night part and not offer that either, for fear it would be difficult to get him to leave.

    I understand his worry, but it's just not your problem. He's going to have to understand that and deal with it. Try redirecting the request next time maybe.......say what homeless shelters have you called, are there any halfway type places you could go to, he should be looking into those such options. Maybe enough of that and he'll get the idea he should call such places cuz you guys mean business.

  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Oy. Certainly there's a homeless shelter he can bunk at for a bit that's closer to where he is now, I'm guessing he didn't even consider that option.
  7. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    If there is nothing else available, I will probably drop him off at the men's shelter in the next county over. I actually wonder if that may not be the best as they would have socail workers that can help him get things set up and get him signed up for anything he may need.
  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    You would hope that the prison would have some case workers that could also help him with this.... I know that may not be true but it might be.... but he is going to pull on your heartstrings all he can to see if coming home is at all an option. You are doing the right thing to keep taking care of yourself and not living through all that again.

    I too, can easily imagine being in your position... am hoping that I don't get a similar call.

  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Did they put him in a juvenile faciltity or adult? Here, they can put them in juvenile if they were under 21...usually don't, but can. Either way, they should be able to give some transitional plan....of course, my son's transitional plan is almost a year long,sooooo
  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'd suggest the one that runs the hamburger place, but I suspect that's too close as the crow flies.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Since there hasn't been a book written yet.....(or I'm sure you would be kindling or nooking it) -------may I offer some sage brush advice? (not that I'm anywhere near a level due even a secret handshake, but I am sleeping a little better at night - mostly)

    And this is how you RE-direct the Reeeeediculous....(or at least how I attempted to do it because flatly? I was out of ideas and had no one else to throw a dead fish at)

    What am I going to do now?
    I have no idea
    I mean I've got no where, no one, nothing -I should just kill myself......(long dramatic pause for effect - Um this is Dude's line in case you are wondering not mine - although it could have been mine hahahah) ahem.
    Well that is also an option but then again, you have no insurance and it would yet again leave me and Dad with another problem - two actually - You'd leave Ouixa homeless and Fatherless. Shame on you.
    I don't care.
    That's obvious - always thinking about yourself - even in death - you've made NO provisions for my granddog.
    You'd take her.
    No, no I don't think so - without any chance for reunion with you? She'd be better off dead. I'm sure of it.
    You'd kill my dog?
    Well no, actually YOU would kill yourself, and thus you'd leave the matter with no other choice. She'd die anyway without you. What's the use in prolonging her misery?
    God this is so #*(%ed up.
    (me long dramatic sigh - long pause)
    So how HAS life been living like YOU wanted it with all your choices after all?
    Not funny Mom
    Oh wasn't meant to be funny - I mean you DRAG me into one of these pity parties at least every three months - and you're what???? 20 years old - Sheesh....Did you not hear the grow up bell? 21 is just around the corner ---I can't get you a job, I can't MAKE you go to school, I can't GET you back in school, I can't tell you when to go to bed, I can't tell you what to where, when to take a shower, what to eat, what NOT to eat, what to drink, who to talk to, who to hang out with....where to go, where NOT to go - what to do, what NOT to do - and these were ALL THE THINGS that were SO BLOODY important to you when you LEFT HERE vowing never to return because ----how did you put it - Oh yeah (I wrote it down) It SUCKS here so bad even the dogs should run away and never let you be their Mother. So how is living on your own going? (or in your case How is Prison going for you?)
    Just freakin' great Mom can't you tell?
    Yup - sounds like you've made some wonderful decisions and have your directions mapped out. That's what adults do. Not come home to their Mommies..and live off their MOmmies.....

    You son....need a job, and an education -----and a place to stay - and you need to get these things ON YOUR OWN. I'm not the help brigade anymore - I'm the support person. This is how life is lived.
    You're living YOURs and now I'm going to go and live MINE - you need to understand that. There is NO room at the inn. We've remodeled our hearts, and our home - and while you'll always have a place in both - the only place you can be permanent resident in is heart. The house has no room.

    WIth that? It became VERY clear to him that he needed to find his own way because he had CHOSEN to make his own way - long ago. When he was in Department of Juvenile Justice and mouthed off to us? I brought him home for the last time and after 15 minutes ......FIFTEEN MINTUES I realized it was a HUGE HUGE mistake and vowed never again.....and by GOlly I meant it. The stories that I had to hear about the last three years of his life have been AWFUL......beyond awful if you knew my x - and that's what HE chose....his decisions put him and your son WHERE THEY the mean time? I got ON with my life ........and that does NOT mean that I don't miss him or don't love him or don't mourn some of the dreams that I let go. THose are MY things to have and deal with. But what he's got to do now? Is the beginning of HIS life.....his story.......NOT the beginning of yours.

    I say - LET HIM HAVE IT.....and go get your dreams......while you're still young enough to enjoy them because from what I can see.......and I hope it's not rose colored glass ------I think the snarky - tough love - go ahead and have a meal or ten out of the dumpster and bathe in the park ---and live with roaches and rats......have changed a boy who had it pretty friggin good. Yet made me feel like I was an inferior Mother and didn't do enough.....ever. Left to his own vices - THAT was the best his father could provide and it was 'okay?" .........:Yeah - I did more than okay - I was fantastic. (takes credit) You are TOO!

    Just a thought or two from the dog ranch......

    and NO I am NOT keeping LC
  12. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Hao....that place is on my list also. But....I need to check into it and their waiting list. And yes.....that is only 3 minutes away close. LOL

    Star.....ohhhhh trust me. There is NO more room at the inn. husband is even saying so and you know how big THAT is.

    It strikes my ironic funny bone seeing as how the last phone call was soooooooo different. He realized what he put us through, he realized what/how much we've done for him, he realized that HE is the one that has to do the work from now on.....blah blah blah blah blah.

    Oh and did I mention? During this call he informed me that he is going to go to college. He has all of the FAFSA/Grant paperwork and all he needs to do is fill it out and take a test. Uh huh. Not sure he realizes exactly what the admission process is. Or that there IS an admissions process. Oh more life lesson on its way.
  13. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Maybe he will go to college? My brother in law was in prison in his early 20's and there was a LOT of aid available to him as far as tuition and GED etc. etc. (Of course he didn't avail himself of it)

    I remember it well because he bragged about it to my H and showed him all of the paperwork and offers etc. It was something they pushed him towards while he was in prison. My H was so steamed bc H followed all the rules, got good grades in HS, stayed out of trouble and worked 2 jobs to put himself thru school and still had hefty loans to show for it. The injustice really made him mad...H had a horrible upbringing and had been supporting himself since age 16 which worked against him as a financial aid/need based recipient.
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I do NOT understand why there is so much financial assistance for certain people and none whatsoever for others.

    However - Stang - yup, it's extremely annoying but guess what? You have the upper hand! (Keep it, girl, keep it!)