Birth Control for 14 year old impulsive daughter?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by WNC Gal, Oct 18, 2007.

  1. WNC Gal

    WNC Gal New Member

    My daughter has impulse control issues along with her many other diagnoses (not quite clear what they all are). Right now she is in an all girls residential program so she is pretty much "safe" from worries about impulsive sexual behavior.

    But once she leaves that program, we do have BIG concerns that she is at high risk for teen pregnancy. She is very smart and has high aspirations for college, etc, if she can conquer her mood disorders. BUT, she has always been a bit of a flirt and is constantly attracted to guys everywhere we go.

    Has anyone opted for birth control for a younger teen "just in case"? We would, of course, want to explain it all carefully for her and opt for the lower maintenance - more "fool-proof" options such as Norplant, IUD or the ring. What if she says she does NOT want it - but we are still nervous?

    We do have concerns that this might encourage her to be sexually active as she would think she was "safe" but of course she would have no protection from venereal diseases, AND most importantly, she is too young to be getting wrapped up in that type of relationship at this age.
  2. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    There are no easy answers, are there? If she's flirting and has attention-seeking behavior, it stands to reason that sex isn't too far down the line.

    I think it's a personal decision and you have to do what you think is best to protect your daughter. I would discuss it with her psychiatrist and an ob/gyn (make sure the ob/gyn is fully apprised of difficult child's mental health problems).

    If you do choose to go this route, I would also supply her with condoms and have a serious discussion - more than once - about the importance of using both forms of protection because of STD's, including HIV.

    It is awfully young to be engaging in that kind of behavior, but it happens quite often these days. I think it's equally important that she know that she can come to you about any concerns or problems she might have. It's amazing how many kids have great relationships with their parents, but think they can't talk to their parents about this subject and who end up hiding pregnancies or STD's. As parents, we think when we tell them that they can talk to us about anything that our kids understand that means anything. We have to tell them in black and white that they can come to up about this specific topic.
  3. mekki

    mekki New Member

    That is a very hard one!
    I think that because is a good idea in this situation. Even if you think it's giving her permission (I would worry about that as well) BUT, if she has the attention-seeking behavior, she might get involved in a sexual relationship anyway, with or without your "permission". I think I'd rather be safe. Can you force those under 18 to take because? I don't know what the law is on that. Parents should be allowed to, as they are the ones that will be caring for the grandchild if one comes along.

    It's a sad situation. Girls are so quick to jump into these things, even the girls without "issues". sad sad.
  4. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Is she having any problems with her period or PMSing? Severe acne? If yes to any of these, you could use that as an excuse to put her on the pill. At least it wouldn't sound like you are expecting her to have sex but rather that you are trying to help her with a medical condition.

    No matter what, I would put her on some form of birth control. The risk is just too high. I would also have many conversations about the need to use condoms when sex occurs. I had these conversations frequently with my daughter and she was still a virgin at age 19. The risk of STDs and, more importantly, AIDS is just too high.
  5. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I think you should follow your instincts. That being said, daily because is very risky. It has to be taken at the same time every day. That is hard for adults to do, much less for kids. As one sx of bipolar is hypersexuality, and you say she is flirtatious but has goals, well, bc may be a step that you need to take.

    Be sure to tell her specifically what you want her to know about the issue. And that you will listen to her on this, esp if you have to push the issue to get her on bc.


  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I am one who has her very young difficult child on hormones (note I say hormones, not birth control). kt has been on hormones since she was 12 & will remain on same as long as she is medication compliant.

    I'm worried over her lack of self esteem & impulse control. I'm more worried over her being re-victimized as in common in young women with kt's hx.

    Having said that, I explained diddly to kt. She wasn't a part of the decision. It was between her father, myself, psychiatrist, therapist, pediatrician & ob/gyn who specializes in very young women who have suffered sexual abuse.

    We are all in agreement that the term "hormones" will be used around kt. When kt is of an emotional age, with a better control on her impulsivity, etc I may just sit her down & explain this medication. Or she may find out on her own at some point. So far, she has not connected the dots....her team has backed us up on this.

    When she asked about the hormones, our reply was that it would help regulate her cycle & make her less crampy. And it has.

    That's my experience.

    by the way, we have also started those cancer vaccines - cannot for the life of me remember the name of it. I will protect kt as much as I can as long as I can. I would rather not have to go this route so young & I know it's the right thing to do for kt.
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I don't think giving your daughter bc is giving her permission.

    Both my girls were using bc by the time they were at least 15. We had a long talk about the responsibilities that go along with having sex at any age. And sex has always been an open topic and freely discussed in our house.

    easy child took the pill.

    Nichole took the pill when she remembered. And we got Aubrey when she was 17.

    I'd say your best bet of bc is going to be something that doesn't rely on difficult child remembering to use it. There are patches, the shot, and IUDs. Discuss them with the gyn, both pros and cons.

    Nichole went with the shot after the baby was born because it would work better with the medications she was on. But then had to stop recently because of the weight gain it was causing. She's now opting for an IUD.

  8. susiequte

    susiequte New Member

    I'm a Labor and Delivery nurse and have seen sooooooooooo many young girls in this predicament!!!! Last week we had a 12 yo come in......states she didn't know she was pregnant. Needless to say, her family freaked!!!! The youngest girl I have seen have a baby was only 9!!!! I like the idea of telling her she's taking hormones to control her's mostly true!!!
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I say go with your gut. You are her mother - you know her better than anyone else. At 14, she is certainly old enough to understand what causes a baby and how you contract sexually transmited dieseases.

    I would suggest, if you feel this is the way to go, schedule an appointment with a gyn (preferabley a female since she is so young) and discuss the options, the three of you together. Make her part of the decision process so she can take some ownership in this.

  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I put my difficult child on BCP a long while before she became sexually active for the same reasons - impulsivity issues, flirting with boys and men of all ages...etc. I told her it was to control her period better and ease up on her PMS (which it was as well as for the impulse control issues). I just figured it's better to be safe than sorry at such a young age. She was 15.

    Now, she is 18 and we're faced with this decision again. difficult child doesn't always take her pill and we've had two pregnancy scares in the past year. It's time for something more reliable. I've suggested the Nuva Ring and difficult child balks at the idea of having to 'insert' something...I had a response to that but won't print it here! Then I suggested the Depo shot, but her gyno said it wasn't very wise for a person with mood disorders. The last suggestion is Norplant, which we're going to discuss with her DR ASAP. I actually wanted her to get an IUD but I understand they are dangerous in women who have not delivered a baby, so that's out!

    Best of luck - listen to your gut and protect your daughter and your family.
  11. neednewtechnique

    neednewtechnique New Member

    I can tell you from experience, as a moody teenager myself, if you give her a bc pill or shot, it could make the moods worse, plus if she starts to gain weight, that will make her even LESS happy. Someone mentioned IUD, which is great. As she said, they can be generall dangerous for someone who has not delivered a baby, but I do think they have finally made one that is safe for women who have not yet had any children. Plus, as an added bonus, the IUD does away with periods, which will in turn, do away with PMS, and will make your difficult child's life much more pleasant!!

    As for the cancer vaccines...Guardasil is what it is called, and they DO recommend you start your child on that around age 11. Something about it taking time to build up full immunity in your system, so by the time these girls are MUCH OLDER (like 30, yeah right) and having sex, the vaccine is in full force protection.

    our difficult child also started this three-step shot process, and it was actually a great ice-breaker and we had a very nice discussion about things.

    Good luck, this is a tough decision to make, although the idea of telling her she is taking "hormones" would be interesting, I am not sure I would recommend that, it could somehow come back to bite you in the behind if she finds out and gets upset.
  12. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    I will continue to call it hormones as long as the professionals, her father & I feel it's appropriate. So many things have bit me in the behind that it's numb.

    The reality is that these are hormones; they are used for regulation of periods. I'm not opening up another pandora's box by letting her know this is birth control. She's been planning her first child since she was in 2nd grade - we've talked her from 15 years of age to finishing school, college or trade school, a job, some play time, marriage & then babies.

    Will it stick? I pray to God it does. In the meantime I will continue to go this route. It's semantics - the side effect of hormones is birth control.

    I don't tell kt the side effects of her other medications; not going to do it to this one. At least not until she's more emotionally age appropriate. How do you tell a girl who's physically 13, but emotionally 7 or 8? Not flying here.

    And kt can be as angry as she'd like to be - I'm doing my job as a mother to protect this child. She can be angry until I die - probably will be anyway. How is this any different.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I wondered what your take on the issue would be. I think you have come up with a sensible way to handle things for your child. I was on the pill at a very early age because nonstop periods and major pms. It helped, and if it would help J with her PMS she would be on hormones also. Jess will not have this option. Her neuro issues make the pill very dangerous. I hate to see her options limited, but would rather KNOW than find out by stroke or other major problem.

    I think it is important for the family to find a solution they are comfortable with.

  14. DFrances

    DFrances Banned

    Isn't her program working on this with her and the family? If not, you are not getting what you are paying for!
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Dore, if anyone were to say that I don't look at new people and situations with a healthy amount of skepticism, I would have to tell you that they are a liar. Being that you are in the business of "helping and supporting parents find emotional growth programs, therapy based residential schools and wilderness placements", and that you have no children of your own that you are seeking our advice on, I wonder what your goal in coming into our community is?

    Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you are being entirely altruistic. But the information available about you and your program shows that you are involved in helping families take out student loans to place their children in treatment facilities, and that you are a highly paid expert witness. Can you please explain what your interest in us is? After all, you have your own 24/7 web site with a support group.
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    If the only thing stopping someone from having premarital sex is whether contraception is available, then there frankly is no point in insisting on abstinence, they've missed the point and anything you've taught them on this issue has done as much as it's going to do. Go ahead and put them on hormones.

    And I agree with you, Linda - calling it 'hormones' around kt is best, considering what you're dealing with, in her.

    My sister went on the Pill for regulating her periods, when she was 15 (back in the Sixties). And that IS what it was for. When it turned out to be related to a grumbling appendix, and surgery fixed a lot of problems, she went off the Pill. And back then, the Pill was ten times stronger than now (or even more). And because I was so very much younger and very curious, the family were told it was hormones, not the Pill.

    Dore, we don't have programs like this in Australia, but I've been around this site for a while and what I have seen - a lot of these programs promise a great deal but the reality falls far short. You are right, a lot of parents are NOT getting what they are paying for. So what do you do? You work something out for yourself, as a parent. There are ideals in this world, then there is reality. And when it comes down to reality, WE are the ones who will be left holding the baby. It stinks, but that's life.

    Our second daughter, easy child 2/difficult child 2, has "round heels". We were very glad she didn't have a boyfriend through high school - she felt too far above most of the boys around her and totally scared them off. We were fairly sure she would sleep with her first boyfriend - we describe her as a "cuddlebunny" because she would come up to us for a hug, a cuddle, any sort of physical embrace with total lack of inhibition. Yes, we tried to raise her to be discerning and to have some sense of self-respect, but we were fairly sure that she would find it too hard to abstain for long when she finally got the opportunity. If a hug or a cuddle feels so nice that she was always seeking them out, we knew it would take very little to hook her into sex.
    She's not promiscuous, but she's still a devastating little bundle of love for any red-blooded male. Plus she's absolutely gorgeous and doesn't know it - totally, unconsciously sensual. We knew when "it" had happened when her boyfriend was wandering around looking stunned, with a smile on his face that nothing could hide. She's a darling, but has no restraint. Or had. She's a bit older and a bit more responsible now. Less obviously tactile.

    We didn't put her on the Pill as soon as she got a boyfriend; we waited as long as we could. Of course we had told her to use contraception; we told her where we keep the condoms and to help herself rather than take risks, but to please wait if she could to avoid doing devastating emotional damage to the guy. She didn't wait, and when she broke up with the guy she saw first-hand the consequences of the emotional damage she had done to him. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way.
    But as soon as it became necessary, THEN we got her on the Pill, AND made her take responsibility as much as possible for her sexual health, and her boyfriend's. But this is for an older girl - she was 18 at the time.

    A younger girl who HAS to have some protection but who can't be trusted to take the Pill reliably - an implant may be the way to go. And encourage her to refer to it as hormones, not contraception. There are other big benefits to hormone treatment - her boobs will grow (a big bonus for our daughter). Her periods will settle down. Or stop for a while. This will help her iron levels to improve. No period pain (which used to wipe me out at school).

    The immunisation against HPV is worth chasing up NOW, if you can. easy child 2/difficult child 2 is only now getting hers, all we can hope is that she hasn't already been exposed to the virus by her first two BFs (she's still with BF2 - or rather, he is with us; he lives with us now).

    In this world we have ideals, then we have the reality. As parents we aim for one but live with the other (unless we live in denial). Then we have to justify our actions to those who haven't yet had to deal with the reality and who seem so very virtuous in condemning us for 'compromising'. I've copped flak from people we know, and I've held my tongue and NOT said to them, "Look to your own household before you criticise mine." My kids talk to me, that is how I know we are doing the best we can. because my kids also talk to me about the other kids, whose parents do not consider the possibility that they are not as pure as they'd like to believe.

    It's so sad sometimes. Just do what you think is best - she's your child, you know her best.

  17. Penta

    Penta New Member

    My girl spent almost 18 months in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for girls as a young teen. Staff recommended birth control as a way to balance out her moods. It made a remarkable difference. Yasmin is the brand name. Although, now the same company has a newer version Yaz, which, I hear, is excellent. Both are low dosage birth control.

    She, also was an impulsive, self destructive, defiant teen with some Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) traits. Now, she's a remarkable young woman!