Boomerang Kids: How to Kick Grown Adult Children Out of the House

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tanya M, Jan 11, 2015.

  1. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is a really good article.

    This was my favorite part:
    Greatly reduce the comfort level of your grown kids home environment in order to force them to leave home, finally. That means stop cooking for them; stop cleaning up after them; stop doing their laundry; stop being their taxi service or chauffeur; stop giving them money for any reason; stop paying their bills; stop buying their favorite foods, drinks, alcohol, snacks and cigarettes on your dime. Do not give handouts of money for food, clothing or entertainment either. Parents are also under no obligation to include adult children to tag along, and pay for expenses, when mom and dad go out for an evening of fun.
    Remove the TV and remote from their bedroom, along with other electronic devices and unnecessary luxury items, and implement a “no friends over” rule. Put a padded lock on your bathroom and bedroom doors and hang onto the key, where you can hide or lockup items your grown kids should not have free access to. Shut off and discontinue service to all non-essentials: internet, cable and mobile cell phone services. By this point, your kids will likely have gotten a clue that you mean business and they need to move out. No if, and’s or but’s about it.
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  2. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Add walking around naked to the list. I'm sure that would work.
  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I think all those things are good things, but here is the thing: What does it do to us to interact with anyone, let alone our own grown child, on that level?

    Who are we teaching the grown child that he or she is? And...what kind of people are we allowing the situation to turn us into, if we follow those guidelines?

    We are their parents.

    What we say, how we see them, that all matters.
    That is why this is so impossibly hard.

    husband and I paid to move them out on their own. We had them back, mostly by hook or crook on their parts, and refuse, and continue to refuse (and that is hard enough), to have them back to live with us, anymore.

    Everything about having difficult child children is so weird and destructive and twisty.

    I never could see that though, until I was able to stop blaming myself for not having been able to figure this out.

    Thank heaven for this site.

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  4. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    So very true. The word "twisty" fits so well.

    A one size fits all does not work in dealing with difficult child's. What may work well for one could have the oppisite effect for another. I'm sure for some using these techniques may be the only way to get them out, short of having them evicted. It can make one feel like they are a prisoner in their own home, I know it did for me.
    When my difficult child was still living under our roof and was under 18 we had to put a lock on our bedroom door because he felt anything in the house was fare game. Money, food, household items, didn't matter to him. We had clear boundaries but he did not feel that they applied to him, he has always had a problem with any kind of authority or rules. Of course the "lock" only kept him out for so long, he quickly learned how to pick it, then we put a dead bolt on. When he couldn't pick that he took a hammer to the door and beat a hole about a foot wide.
    It wasn't long after that incident that the courts ordered him to a group home as they felt he was a danger to me, husband and our home.

    At least I didn't have to go the extreme of what GM suggested. :wink:

  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That's horrifying.

    I went back to read through your information and you don't have any listed. What happened next with this son?

    Where is he living now?

    Did you and husband stay together?

    How are you, Tanya. How are you, inside where that kind of betrayal must ring and echo and make you go numb.

    I always think I am in the worst possible shoes, but I don't know what I would have done if this had happened to me. I would never, ever forget it.

    I am very sure that would change something permanent in me.

    It's like your child was daring you to do anything about anything.


    Thank heaven you found us.

  6. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    It isn't that I would mind the walking around naked part. It's that the neighbors on either side begin to go blind.



  7. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    I agree with this in the threaded part: For the ones with-drugs-alcohol, unfortunately, if they reject your help/advice/guidance, all you can do is let them learn the hard way, i.e. don’t bail them out of jail, don’t pay attorney fees, don’t buy them a car to FIND a job; worst thing you can do with someone that is addicted is give them a car!
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    What happened to packing their bags and saying, "Since you can't follow our simple house rulse, you will have to find another place to live. You have three weeks, period." Why go through all that bother?

    If my kids had ever tried to break into the house, I'd have called the cops, but neither did. Or would. Thankfully.

    I don't like to play games. I like everyone to know why things are happening and to not to play tricks to get results.That reminds me of gaslighting. Now if, during those three weeks, you tell your adult child that all electronics will be turned off because you are done paying for his entertainment and that he can cook his own meal (show him where the food is) I think that's fine. But I like everyone knowing what's going on unless your difficult child is such a psychopath he'd murder you. Then it's time to call in the police.
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  9. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks Cedar. Well, currently he's somewhat homeless and couch surfing in CO. He continues to live his life the way he wants and while it's not a life I would choose, it's his life.

    husband and I have stayed together and have a very strong marriage. We both share a deep faith in God and that has helped get us through some tough times. It is through my faith that I have been able to forgive my difficult child for all the hurt and pain he has inflicted. It doesn't mean I've forgotten, I just don't hold onto the anger and bitterness.

    As for me, considering everything I've survived in my life I'm really good. I embrace each day and am thankful for it. I do my best to take care of myself physically and mentaly. I still have days though where I will have a little pitty party then get over myself.:tongue:

    I wish I would have found this site 15 plus years ago. Such a great group to be part of.
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    MWM, I agree with you. As I said earlier when it comes to our difficult child's there is no one size fits all approach.
    I have a friend that gave their 25 year old difficult child a time limit of a month to get out, it didn't happen. It took them 6 months, involving the police and an eviction notice to get her out. I would imagine if they had used some of these ideas during those 6 months she might have left sooner and without the need for a forcible eviciton.

    I lost track of how many times I had to call the cops on my difficult child before he was 18. He would run away from home, I'd call the cops to report it, then when husband and I would be at work he'd break into the house, I'd call the cops again, rinse, repeat.
  11. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Yep. I do think it's a good idea to cut off all the fun goodies at home if the adult kid won't leave. I just don't like not leaving toilet How fast the adult child would leave if there was no internet, no cell phone, no television, no money, no car...yep, they'd rather sleep in an alley.

    I had no idea adult kids knew about tenant laws until I came here. My kids sure didn't nor did I.

    Also, going through their things in their room and turning drugs into the cops etc. would probably work and I'd probably do it as a last resort, especially if the adult child was violent or stealing from me and would not leave. And, um, nobody even smokes cigarettes under my roof, let along smokes pot, uses other drugs, etc.

    I started out being a very wishy-washy mom who ran to school to tell off the teachers anytime they complained about my troublemaking son. I have ended my journey, having taken a loooooooooooooong road, not excusing people, leaving the few of my DNA family still around, and not putting up with any abuse, even from my adult kids. And my life has become peaceful, serene and full of love. You plunge the toxins from your life and you are suddenly refreshed and clean. it is sad when a toxin is one of your beloved children and fortunately I had not had to cut off my kids. But I don't really think you have a relationship anyway if one is abusive until that person learns how to treat other people.

    So largely I agree with the article. I've been at this a loooooooooooong time and come a looooooooooooooong way from that doormat who had everybody's footprints all over me to now, where I control who can be in my life. Why does it take so long????
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Yes, getting rid of toxic people even if they are your children is the only way to get your life back. I'm not getting any younger and I will not waste what time I have left on someone who doesn't want me in their life. I will always love my difficult child but gone are the days of allwoing him to hurt me.
  13. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Yep. I'm around your age and I know how you feel. I cut the nonsense out of my life and don't miss it.
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am completely in agreement with both of you. Life is WAY too short, as we are now much more aware........each moment is so precious, I won't allow anyone to steal my peace again.