Update on Stepson


The last time I posted my son had gotten himself kicked out of a pay by the week hotel and was back at a shelter. According to him, it was not his fault that he was evicted from the hotel, and if we decided to take him to the shelter instead of allowing him to come home, we were giving him no choice but do drugs again. Mind you, prior to all this occurring he had left / been kicked out of 3 rehabs within a month and been on the streets smoking meth.

He made it about a month at this shelter. On benefits payday, he left and asked us to forward him money from his disability check to stay at a hotel. He has about enough money to stay for a week and a half, and this is if he does not buy drugs.

Reading some posts this week, I saw some in our group remarking on the fact that their children cannot be told a thing. Even though their life is in complete shambles, the misfortunes that befall them are all down to bad luck, and nothing to do with their dreadful decision making. My son, for all his faults, has a very kind heart, like his dad. He tends to make fast friends with others in his situation, bonding through shared experience and empathy. But he always ends up paying for everything with his limited funds and getting ripped off. He will be ready to go to hell and back with these people he has known for a week.

My husband will offer to sit down with him and his friend of the week to come up with some kind of plan going forward, to keep a roof over both of their heads. He has offered to set up jobs for them both, pay them to do yard work, brought hot meals from home (I know, we can be real bleeding heart sillies at times.) Some of these kids are his age (21) or younger, and unlike my son, they have no family waiting in the wings. At 19, 20, they have not a soul in the world. We can't help but want to show them some warmth and kindness. As for my son, we are trying to show him I guess that we respect his agency as an adult, and are just trying to offer some assistance to get things off the ground and moving in a more independent and sustainable direction.

But.....he seems unable to live in anything other than a fly by the seat of your pants kind of way. The mental illness, immaturity, drug involvement. As long as he has food, cigarettes, shelter, and drugs for that day, he is incapable of looking any further ahead. Until the money runs out, and then he wants to hand the problem to us to fix. He is a grown man when he has funds. When he doesn't have funds he is suddenly 12 again. I know all of this is pretty damned obvious to you all, but geez, the things you do to try and break through.

So tired! :(:(


Well-Known Member
Hi. I am so sorrybyou are suffering. Been there.

I know there is always the unusual person , but honestly normally a person who has the illness of addiction will agree to all you say, then take the help/money and blow it on purpose. Remember, addicts lie. That is a big symptom of the disease. Your son is not telling you anything true...or he twists the truth. You have no real idea why your son is doing what he does other than Addiction is a serious illness and the addiction overrides love, honesty, decency and comfort in even good hearted addicts.

Sitting him down will not work. Even more alarming in my humble opinion is sitting down with a person you don't know, his "friend of the week." That's even more dangerous. You don't know what this stranger is capable of.

Addicts usually start out with loving helpful families. I worked at a homeless shelter and most who came in were addicts. Although they did not tell us full stories about their lives, not one said they had no family. Most alluded to their families kicking them out after "things didn't work out." We used to try to get services and jobs for the clients. 99 percent of the time they did not show up for useful appointments. You can not help a drug addict have a stable life. They choose drugs.

Most have loved ones who finally got help for their own grief and were told to stop enabling their behavior, that it does not help, that only the addict himself can make himself live sober and that trying to help does not help. I do not expect you to believe this. Not yet. Took me 10 wasted years. I felt people who said these things were cold hearted. These words shocked me. I rejected them. But I came to see they were right. I continue to recommend therapy and/or Nar Anon.

I send prayers and love to everyone in your family.


Thank you Busy. You said 'I do not expect you to believe this.' But I do believe you! We are not complete newcomers to this world we have all found ourselves in but we definitely still have our training wheels on in some aspects. Most likely, the parents of my son's 'friends' are just further down the road than we are. The days of delivering hot meals to hotel rooms are behind them. God willing we will be there ourselves one day.

We are set to attend our first in person Nar Anon meeting next week, on the recommendation of some acquaintances. They say it helped enormously in their situation and they were lucky enough to have a happy ending with their daughter. I am very hopeful that it will bring my husband some comfort.

Thank you so much for your response and I hope things are well with you. :)