Can I skip Christmas this year??????

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Hopeless, Dec 18, 2007.

  1. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Okay, I have been reading some of the posts tonight and obviously I am not alone. My difficult child, who lives with her difficult child boyfriend is coming to our house on Christmas. While this should be a happy time to spend with my family, I am so dreading it. I have to try and make everyone happy and calm. Calm is not a common thing when my husband and difficult child get together. They know how to push each other's buttons and then we will see fireworks.

    Our difficult child has not lived in our home since her last stint at juvi when she was 17 1/2. She was constantly in trouble with the law (stealing, fights, drugs). After 45 days in juvi and weekly appearances in court, the judge decided to place her with my parents (against our wishes as we thought she needed some structured setting, where she could get mental theraphy as well). That lasted three months until she turned 18 and then she got picked up with several drugs on her possession. Her public defender from juvi went with her to adult court and she was placed on probation through the drug court.

    While on probation, she got into a fight with two women and had several charges brought against her in another county. We bailed her out and my parents paid for an attorney. She was placed into a rehab facility for 90 days.

    Once she returned back to my parents house after the rehab, she moved in with the difficult child boyfriend (June 2007).

    In October, she put her arm through a window at their apartment after having a fight with him and is lucky to still have the arm. Surgeon said it will be at least 1 and 1/2 years before she has use of the arm and he said she will not have FULL use ever. She is going to physical therapy twice a week currently. No car, so my retired mother takes her.

    Received a phone call yesterday from her and she is 10 weeks pregnant. I know it is true because my mother drove her to her OB appointment. Lord help her as she cannot take care of herself, how is she going to handle a baby.

    Anyway, my point about Christmas is that my husband and difficult child have not seen or spoke to each other in about 3 months, so I know the tension will be so thick in our house. My husband says what he wants and doesn't think about how it will hurt her feelings.

    Just venting really, no need to try and solve my problem. I guess I will just say lots of prayers and hope the tension is not too bad and that maybe we can enjoy being all together under one roof.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

  3. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    And another hug. I would let them work it out between them. Tell them both your wishes for peace and that if they can't talk nicely to just ignore the other. You can't control how they behaive, but your can control the way that you feel.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Don't blame you a bit for needing to vent.

    A new baby in the family should be a happy event. But believe me, I understand your concerns and worries. Do you have any clue if she's currently drug/alcohol free? If not, maybe the baby would be a good motivator for rehab?

    I sooooo worried and fretted while Nichole was pregnant. I wondered if God had a clue as to what He was doing. Evidently he did, it brought out the best in Nichole and helped her begin to face her disorders head on. She's done alot of growing up over the past couple of years. (still has a ways to go though lol) So, there are cases when an unexpected pregnancy can turn a life around.

    Has she decided she's keeping the baby, then?

  5. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement.
    Answer is only that she says she hasn't touched either since she thought she might be pregnant. Hoping that is so true. And, they have decided to keep the baby.
  6. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I wish we could all just have a "grown ups" Christmas away from our difficult children. Do we know what Raoul is doing Christmas after he is done helping Santa? I heard he makes a spicy Bloody Mary!

    Big hugs and Merry "Let's Hope It's Just Another Day" to all.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending more hugs your way - goodness knows you need them. I hope the day goes by uneventful and everyone maintains their personal calm. Remember to take a time out if you need to.
  8. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    Witzend - if your find out that address where the "grown ups" Christmas is, send it my way so I can join you.
  9. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Thanks for the hugs and words of encouragement.

    Answer is only that she says she hasn't touched either since she thought she might be pregnant. Hoping that is so true. And, they have decided to keep the baby. </div></div>
    Our daughter stayed clean for the whole nine months she was pregnant with easy child 1, and for a few more weeks afterwards while she was breast-feeding. I think you have good reason to hope that she's telling the truth. Hope you can reach some sort of detente between husband and difficult child over the holiday. Good thoughts and prayers.
  10. Raoul

    Raoul New Member

    Raoul, he come visit Hopeless and Witzend after help Santa. Raoul like growed up Christmas Party. If like Bloody Mary, Raoul bring Bloody Mary for meus amores.

    Raoul make womens forget troubles with happyness.

  11. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Você Giggalo português!

    Como você diz animal de partido em português? Raoul! Sou alegre volta - você foram perdidos. Penso que nós necessitamos um partido adulto. Caramba que saiu errado. Podemos fazer uma festa com únicos adultos? Começa-o - trarei a música!

    Abrace Starbie o Barbie português - PS que eu abandonei para esperar para você - eu agora estou em amor com
    Ken. Ken MUCHO - comprendez?
  12. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Some days I almost understand my Latin side.
  13. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Yikes, on many levels.

    You do what you need to do for your relationship with your daughter. If you think helping her along is the right thing to do...go for it.

    I can speak from the other side. I am the reluctant one...husband is the weak one. But, I understand it is his child and he needs to do what his heart feels. Just don't drag me along. I'll get there when I feel the time is right.

    It's nice to be united as parents, but sometimes you need to go your own way and be comfortable with that.

  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Could you talk to husband about how you are dreading the tension and ask him for this one day if he can just put things aside and you can all enjoy the holiday??

    it's worth a try!!
  15. jbrain

    jbrain Member

    I think I am with Everywoman on this. Any way to not get in the middle and feel it is your responsibility to try to keep the calm and keep them both happy? You really have no control over either of them and it is their relationship, their responsibility. I do know this would be difficult for me to do though!
  16. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    A therapist told me once that my husband had the right (and the responsibility) to create whatever kind of relationship he wished with his child.

    Is it possible for you to switch the emphasis from dreading an encounter you have no control over to setting rules ahead of time with husband regarding specific things ~ say, no yelling, no name calling, nothing he may regret in years to come?

    It helped us so much to look at things that way.

    For me at least, I became more an ally to, than a watchdog for, my husband.

    Something tells me he is dreading this even more than you.

    In our situation, husband understanding that I loved him TOO helped him to remember not to yell ~or at least, to feel badly when he caught my eye because he was breaking OUR agreement.

    Fathers have so little recourse with a female child.

    It was very hard for my husband, but he did absolutely fabulously.

    Wishing a peaceful Christmas for you.

    At the end of the day, after everyone has gone, I make tea for myself in a very thin, very expensive china cup that belonged to my grandmother. I relight the tree, and make my own special Christmas remembering.

    No matter what happens during the day?

    I know that at the end of it, I will have that beautiful, quiet time for myself.

    Knowing I will have that time has seen me through many a holiday!

    It might help you to do something like that, too.

  17. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Hugs - hope today is better.