Hi, Janique --
I wanted to wait to reply to your post until I had time to really respond to what you said.
I have a 3-year-old daughter who is suffering from a very similar disorder as your son. As of right now, she has been diagnosed with both Pervasive Developmental Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified and Disruptive Behavioral Disorder. They need to do more observation to determine the severity of her conditions, but DBD is the general heading under which Conflict Disorder is categorized. And my daughter displays all of the same physically violent behaviors you described in your son. Frankly, I think she's going to end up with a "Conflict" diagnosis. She doesn't seem able to stop herself from hurting people/destroying things. The scariest part? She actually seems to enjoy it & find it funny.
Every day, every minute is a fight with her. Every meal, every bath, every diaper change. (She has adamantly refused to potty train, preferring instead to throw her potty at me.) She screams, kicks, spits, hits, scratches, bites & throws things. All. Day. Long. She has injured me more times than I can count. Once she pulled an earring out of my ear. Another time, she literally tried to claw my eyes out. When she gets really mad, she runs at me with her mouth open and an EVIL look in her eye, trying to bite my face. It's like being attacked by a zombie. I literally flinch now when she moves around me. I tiptoe around the house when she's finally focused on the TV like an animal trying to avoid it's predator, desperate for a moment where I'm not in physical danger.
I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship. And it's not like I can "leave" her, the way I could leave a spouse or friend if he/she was treating me this way. In fact, no matter how awful she is to me, I need to be doubly wonderful to her, doubly supportive. Because I am her mother. If I don't love her unconditionally, WHO WILL? I can't subject my child to a life of wondering when her mother will finally give up on her. So I will never give up on her. No matter what. I just have to endure it.
So... I know how you feel. I know exactly how you feel.
That said, some things you mentioned really hit a chord with me. One was about how your husband couldn't understand why he had to come home from work because you couldn't deal with a 2-year-old. And how that sentiment made you feel about yourself.
I've had the same issue with my husband. He is a chef and until recently, worked a 70-hour week. So I was the only one dealing with my daughter. Almost always. With no breaks. No sick days. No help.
Well, it has gotten so bad with my daughter lately that my husband was actually FIRED because of our issues at home. I felt SO responsible. I felt like the biggest failure of a wife/mother in all of history. And I felt like I'd completely harpooned our whole future by not being able to handle everything alone.
And even as guilty and worthless as I felt, the very first thing that occurred to me when I heard he had lost his job was, "Thank God I don't have to be alone with my daughter anymore." Which started another spiral of self hatred. I mean, what kind of mother thinks something like that, right?
Well, after spending some actual time around his daughter, my husband finally started to come around. He finally saw for himself the things I was telling him about her behavior. He finally realized that I wasn't just making mountains out of molehills. He finally dialed in. I still haven't gotten an apology for him doubting me, but at least I don't feel completely alone in this struggle anymore. And that's huge.
Of course, I'm not suggesting that your husband quit his job. That's not realistic. But maybe you can find ways to leave him ALL ALONE with your son for significant stretches of time (a little longer each time). I know it'll probably be as hard for you as it was for me. I felt nervous, guilty and selfish at first when I'd leave my husband alone with my daughter at first. (While he was unemployed.)
I was SURE something bad would happen. And then THAT would be my fault.
But instead, something good happened. My husband gained some very, very necessary respect for what I'm going through. Frankly, that insight alone probably saved our marriage. Because up until then, we were living in the same house, but leading two entirely different lives. We couldn't relate to each other's day to day existence. We were starting to drift apart. And with a child like ours, it's absolutely imperative that we stick together.
Because her illness could kill us. Literally.
So, as INCREDIBLY HARD as I know it is, try not to just take all the blame on yourself. And definitely don't let your husband get away with disavowing his responsibility for sharing the parenting load.
Of course he'll get in trouble if he has to come home during work hours to deal with his son -- that's how society functions. BUT HE DOES NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO NEGLECT HIS DUTY AS A PARENT JUST BECAUSE HE HAS A JOB. No parent in the world has that right. And especially not the parent of a special-needs child. Your husband has to find a way to be just as involved in raising your son (no matter what the hassles) as you are. If he can't understand that, show him where BOTH of your signatures appear on your son's adoption papers.
And don't ever forget that YOU are working your ass off, too. And for a much more demanding boss than I bet your husband has!
OK... so... sorry. I didn't mean to rant. I just know what you're going through and I know how easy it is to take all of the pain, worry and fear entirely onto your own shoulders in a situation like this. And that isn't healthy for anybody in the long run. Especially you.
I've got to run now. I wish I had more time, but I just got my daughter to bed & I still have laundry/dishes, etc. to do before I can actually try to relax for a few minutes before collapsing into bed (and trying not to cry, because I know I have to do it all over again in the morning).
But I do have more to say, believe it or not. I relate to many other things you said, besides just the husband thing.
I hope I've helped even a little -- maybe just knowing that there's somebody else out there going through the same thing helps? I know it helps me. And I'd really like to talk to you more. If you'd like to talk more with me, please reply through this thread. If I don't hear from you, I'll understand. But I hope I do.
Hang in there. One day at a time.
-- Amy
PS -- In case you wondered, my husband is now delivering pizzas so he can be close to home & stop by when he's needed. It's incredibly hard making ends meet financially, but at least I finally feel like we're all in this together.