How you run the group depends on what you feel you need. I had to sit down once with a few people and work backwards from what was already a well-functioning support group, and work out some rules.
Here we go, from memory:
1) Confidentiality. If someone at the group admits to sometimes hating their partner, this stays within the meeting. It's not referred to outside the meetings, unless the person herself raises the topic in a conversation with you; in which case, the conversation becomes a de facto support group meeting.
2) Treat each other kindly. You're all hurting in similar ways, show respect to each other. Give each other some space and a sense of being heard.
3) Be impartial. Be welcoming.
4) No bagging doctors or therapists in general; be VERY careful about who you criticise and who you promote. Sometimes it's best to simply have a list (a very private list) of doctors who have been kinder or a better fit, and allow someone to choose from a list rather than be simply given A name. A "fink list" is something to publicly avoid, although there's nothing wrong with suggesting to someone, "Maybe you might like to consider a second opinion?" if enough people's experiences would indicate that the doctor concerned has missed his vocation as an axe murderer.
5) Try to keep things positive, but realistic. So if you need to whine and complain then do so, but maybe set a time limit and break it down with some good news somewhere for someone. Once a person begins to repeat themselves, you need to hand the conversation to someone else. And if a person persistently repeats themselves, this indicates that they are emotionally 'stuck' on that point and may benefit from some one-on-one with a group member somewhere quiet.
6) Do not force your opinion onto other people and insist yours is the only way to think or act. Nor should you allow others to do this - but you CAN say, "I tried this and it was wonderful, for me." It is wrong to say to anyone, "If you don't try this then clearly you aren't interested in finding a solution to your problem." Emotional blackmail should be shown the door.
7) Remain impartial and scientific, in any approach to any scientific (ie medical) field. Include information on all opinions, not just one point of view. Think - like CD.
And from here, the rules are your own. What we observed in the beginning - people talked, non-stop, at each other. We had to let it happen, because people needed it. It was noisy. It was bedlam. And we all felt heard, even though we were exhausted by the end of it. After that it settled down by about the fifth meeting. By then we TRIED to keep the noise to a dull roar and speakers limited to one at a time, but we kept the rules relaxed unless someone was really monopolising the floor and people were missing an opportunity to speak in their turn.
If someone new turned up who really needed to talk, we sometimes delegated someone to go sit with that person somewhere quiet, and let them talk. For that, you need a team, even an informal one. We began with three of us. One person provided the living room and the coffee, we all brought a plate of something, another person made the phone calls to people and handled the contact details, a third person helped make the tea and coffee and maybe did some research on information. But as far as possible, we didn't have a single person in charge who told everyone when to talk, when to shut up, when to stand and when to sit. We had tea and coffee making facilities on tap and would get up and make another cup when we felt we wanted one, often continuing the conversation as we did so.
This kept things informal and relaxed, which made it easier for people to really unburden themselves.
We shared ideas. We talked. We listened. We complained to each other, which meant we had less need to complain at home (and our partners and families were VERY grateful!)
We began to organise other outings. A picnic somewhere. because we all had to deal with the same problems, we all knew we understood one another's needs.
We organised an evening outing - something very difficult for most of us. But the rule was, the support group members at these social events were not permitted to talk "shop". But the partners COULD, and often did. This mean THEY could talk to each other about THEIR side of the situations, and even ask us questions (which we had to answer, but not go into detail unless asked).
The evening outings were often dinner parties, where each of us brought a dish (pre-organised, to make sure we didn't have ten offerings of macaroni cheese and little else).
The support group meetings were held to run from a certain time, to a certain time. Anyone staying after that point had to be prepared to be left, as other people picked up their diary and moved on. If a few people went for coffee at a café afterwards, that was fine. But to meet at someone's home and outstay their welcome - not good, because people need their personal space returned at close of meeting.
We had fun. We kicked off our shoes. We told rude jokes and often 'in' jokes which nobody outside the meetings would ever understand. And we left feeling uplifted, supported, no longer alone and looking forward to the next meeting.
A support group evolves from its beginnings. It also changes as membership changes. Something to watch out for - the person who comes in, seems to be exactly who you want to run the show, and who then is permitted to take over and organise people. This will be great for some people and not others, which means some people (who could need ongoing support) will find themselves having to leave.
It's not only support groups this happens to - it happens in the workplace and in professional groups too. I currently belong to a writing group and I haven't been all year, because although it's a collective, there is one bloke who has for a number of years now taken on the role of "boss" of the whole thing, even though there is no such official position. But if you asked any of a number of new recruits to this group, they would believe he is holding an officially designated position and is an authority on the subject, which he is not. He is simply a controlling person who uses this control to remove any who he feels can see through him. He uses people and it's been sad to see this formerly useful group decline.
So watch out for that one. It's another reason to not have anything set in stone unless you have to - it makes it easier for you to pull the plug, or simply move elsewhere.
Of course, if you are trying to get any funding for anything, you will need to be more official. But again from experience, support meetings which MUST begin with a business meeting are often struggling, because people who need support generally HATE paperwork, we have enough in our lives!
Good luck with this one, go for it. It's easier than it looks, if you Keep It Simple, Sister!
Marg
