Hello, this is my first post. I stumbled across this site about 6 months ago and it has been something of a lifeline for me ever since. Like many new members, I have no idea where to start my story – please bear with me. My roller coaster ride with my eldest son Difficult Child (now 20) began to escalate when he turned 15. That year I separated from my husband, moved out of the family home, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (passed away within 6months) and my son was caught at school with a zip lock sandwich sized, bag of weed (bought with his birthday money). He “luckily” was not charged (suspended for 2 weeks from school – which thought was great) but little did I know that this was just the start of this living hell. I eventually moved in with a great guy (still with him), which was ok while Difficult Child was getting his own way. Until Difficult Child started smoking pot in his room and introduced my then 13yo son to it too – my partner and I would not stand for this (he has two girls slightly younger). It got to the stage where Difficult Child would refuse to go to school, he kicked multiple holes in doors, cut up his carpet in his room. He called me at work one time asking me to transfer $10 into his account – I refused, so he threatened to smash all of the windows in the house. I left work straight away, arriving home to find that the windows were ok but a section of bricks under the patio had been destroyed. Another time I refused to give him money and I came home to find that my bedroom door had been literally kicked down (we also locked it) – Difficult Child had taken several items from my bedroom and left. He came home later that night expecting to come in – I told him to leave, he jumped the back wall and tried to kick down the back door. This was the first of 3 times that I called the police (and placed a 72 hour restraining order on him). Another time was when he jumped the back wall “again”, this time during the day and tried to kick down the back sliding security door. I was home with my partner and my younger son at the time. Difficult Child wanted me to come out and talk to him – when I saw he was hiding a knife in the sleeve of his jumper, I called the police straight away. In a split second he had slashed his forearms and wiped blood all over the back windows (where my youngest son was). He ran off and the police found him at the local park, I was informed that his wounds were superficial and he was just “angry”? Difficult Child was taken to hospital and my ex-husband waited there for several hours for a psychiatric assessment but Difficult Child decided, he did not want to wait any longer, and ran off in to the carpark. After this, Difficult Child went to stay with his grandparents (ex-husbands parents) several states away – Difficult Child lasted 5 weeks. His grandfather got him to do some odd jobs and paid him for them (now he was cashed up), took him to some counselling sessions (I had also gone through all this in the past) and basically told me he was “cured” and if he could control him, why couldn’t I? His grandfather also told me the counsellor said he was like this because of the divorce and proceeded to blame me for his behaviour. His Grandfather told me Difficult Child wanted to come home and that I said I would pay for the airfare. I begged Difficult Child to stay there and to try and find a permanent job, as I knew as soon as he returned home especially with cash, he would fall back with the same crowd and revert to drugs again. This did not work – Difficult Child would be returning home, although I refused to have him fulltime in my home and after a lot of heated discussions with my ex, he finally agreed to share the care with me. When Difficult Child did return home - we asked him to sign a set of “Rules of the house” for each house (we all sat down together and agreed on the rules, he had input too). This lasted about 2 weeks and I had to kick him out of the house. So for approximately 3 years, he has not lived at home – although, I was supporting him, paying rent, food, phone, bills (everything) for him to live in a shared house. Difficult Child didn’t appreciate any of this, he has since lived in about 5 different houses, he held down a job for 6 months (only because I was picking him up at 4:30am and taking him to his work place and then going to work myself) he ended up getting fired from that job. For the last 6months (after another series of events) I decided not to see him and support him financially, only texting him occasionally and in the last week I have blocked him. Please understand that I have left a lot out from the past 6 months (this post is already so long) that led up to my current decision. I am so sad and empty inside, but feel it necessary for me to do this as my health and sanity are now at risk (more so than in the past). I just don’t know where to go from here. As soon as I contact him to say I Love him – he wants something from me (money, food to pay his car rego) and then gets abusive if he doesn’t get if from me (no, he hasn’t changed). He says he is living in his car out the front of someone’s house and he needs me to pay the rego – I have refused to do this, but it is very hard. I just can’t do it any longer. Is this it, will I ever have a reasonably normal relationship with him? He won’t get help and feels he doesn’t have a problem with drugs. I was also told by my ex father in-law over the weekend (via text), that it is my fault Difficult Child is like this as I left his son, and if Difficult Child takes his own life it will be my fault too Thank you for listening.