daralex
Clinging onto my sanity
Not a question - just a vent and tears.
difficult child was abused by my ex-H years ago (not bio dad) and never talks about it and refuses therapy (I am desperately looking for a psychiatrist anyway at the moment - another long story)
Out of nowhere the other night she tells me that she was comfortable being a lesbian until she figured out that private parts are seen during intimacy with girls as well as boys. She is upset by this because she thinks her privates are ugly to the point that something is wrong (yes, I am also in the process of finding a gynecologist for her). She still feels she prefers girls to boys ( I really don't care which is her preference), but demands that we have her parts "fixed" as she is ashamed of them. She thinks the abuse did something to her parts and they have mystically become horrendously ugly.
She also said that at times she thought I knew or had something to do with the abuse (NOT!) but she knows that is only in her head.
She is also ashamed that she participated in the act several times because she didn't know how wrong it was and feels "oogy" about herself because of that.
This all came out of nowhere and we talked for several hours. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.
I had no idea all of this was in her head on top of everything else. How sad. I cry inside for her every day.
I just want to fall apart so badly. I want to yell, scream and cry - but I have to be strong for her so I am not allowed and have never allowed myself to grieve fully for what happened. I am just so sad for her, sad for me, angry at the situation. I have probably had it drift through my head at least once a day for the last 6 years, but our conversation caught me off guard and brought all the ugliness up to the surface again.
Thanks for letting me get this out there - It just saddens me to my core.
Dara
difficult child was abused by my ex-H years ago (not bio dad) and never talks about it and refuses therapy (I am desperately looking for a psychiatrist anyway at the moment - another long story)
Out of nowhere the other night she tells me that she was comfortable being a lesbian until she figured out that private parts are seen during intimacy with girls as well as boys. She is upset by this because she thinks her privates are ugly to the point that something is wrong (yes, I am also in the process of finding a gynecologist for her). She still feels she prefers girls to boys ( I really don't care which is her preference), but demands that we have her parts "fixed" as she is ashamed of them. She thinks the abuse did something to her parts and they have mystically become horrendously ugly.
She also said that at times she thought I knew or had something to do with the abuse (NOT!) but she knows that is only in her head.
She is also ashamed that she participated in the act several times because she didn't know how wrong it was and feels "oogy" about herself because of that.
This all came out of nowhere and we talked for several hours. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear.
I had no idea all of this was in her head on top of everything else. How sad. I cry inside for her every day.
I just want to fall apart so badly. I want to yell, scream and cry - but I have to be strong for her so I am not allowed and have never allowed myself to grieve fully for what happened. I am just so sad for her, sad for me, angry at the situation. I have probably had it drift through my head at least once a day for the last 6 years, but our conversation caught me off guard and brought all the ugliness up to the surface again.
Thanks for letting me get this out there - It just saddens me to my core.
Dara