Crying inside

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bertie, Jul 7, 2008.

  1. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    I'd be crying *outside*, but my anti-depressant is working really well (maybe too well?) :(

    I posted a week ago regarding my difficult child who is living in WA state and having a hard time (has been unmedicated for over a year and was doing fine, then his situation changed with-his girlfriend who had a baby - not his - and he started crashing). He finally lost it last night.....has been getting more and more moody, taking chances, self-medicating with pot - which is a huge problem because he has several misdemeanors already re pot possession which occurred 9 months ago....I was hoping so hard he'd be able to eventually get out of the "system", but now he's enmeshed even more than before.

    He tried getting into his apartment last night, I guess he came and went several times. His girlfriend was upset and didn't want to let him in which exacerbated the problem, and he finally pushed her to one side so he could enter. They were fighting and he started hitting the walls, the police came, and he was arrested for driving on a suspended license and for assault because he volunteered the info that he pushed his girlfriend.

    I just retained an attorney in his area for another reason, so I called her this morning and left a msg with her paralegal that difficult child had been arrested. The atty is in court this morning, but they will get back to me later today.

    Question: I'm wondering if there is any way they will keep him on a 72-hour hold? He needs it, and needs to be evaluated by a psychiatrist. But since he's 19 years old, does he have to request it himself while he's in custody? He *can* be considered a danger to himself and to others....would his girlfriend have to request it, because she lives with him?

    I was just there over the 4th of July weekend and am so distressed, have had an upset stomach for over a week. I know I need to let it go but it's very hard. :( His girlfriend and her parents are wonderful people, the best thing that ever happened to him up there, but I can see him burning his bridges with them and it's so hard to watch....they have been very patient but their patience is diminishing, and I don't blame them.

  2. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Don't know WA law - but most states will make him go to bond court today and if he can't post bond he won't be allowed out. Typically DV bond is in the neighborhood of 10,000 - 20,000.00. And if he was "caught" ???? Driving on suspended license (have no idea how that happens unless they saw him?) but that would depend on his prior charges. And again - largely to do with the law.

    I don't know if the girlfriend can or would file a petition against him. If she does then she'll have to come up with money for a peace bond, usually around $35.00 If she files charges at all. My guess is that today she is "fine" and not "playing games" and doesn't want the fall out. In which case I would advise your son to file abuse charges against her. Sadly too many women use this as a game or ploy and it makes it very difficult for the law to do their job. If she WAS in fear for herself and son - then she should file charges and that would put him in jail until court.

    UNLESS she's a total ditz and finds a bondsman and bonds him out after charges were file - which in that case he needs to tell her to hit the road and pack her stuff and put her out when get gets out and let her go. (thinking out loud here)

    I sincerely doubt that they will ROR (release on own recog.) but it could happen. And they will more than likely order him into anger management courses. (one would hope)

    As far as keeping him in jail or him signing himself up for addiction to pot? Not likely. At best it sounds like a VOP (violation of probation) and a slap. Depends on his probation officer and the judge.

    Also - if he is living on his own - he qualifies for a PD. Instead of you paying big bucks for an attorney. I'm curious - why are you bailing him out by getting him an atty? ? Do you think he'll go back to living with her?

    I'm sorry for your hurt - Maybe I dont' get the whole story here so forgive me if I misunderstand.

  3. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Hi Star, thanks for the response.

    Actually girlfriend is a really sweet girl - and she did NOT want him arrested last night and tried everything she could to keep him out of jail. I found out that she was just trying to get him to stay somewhere else for the night and come back today, but she has no knowledge of bipolars and didn't know how to handle him. He thought she was keeping him out for a reason and started banging on the windows.

    I also just found out that he was arrested for domestic violence charges only, not for driving with a suspended license.

    The reason I saw an attorney was because he is listed on the baby's birth cert as the father, and he's not. He foolishly signed an affidavit when the baby was born (he met his girlfriend when she was pregnant) stating he was the father (we all tried to convince him not to do that), then I found out a few weeks ago that if he's the "father", it will screw up his SSI and her DSHS, so we need to get him off. The money I'm spending for this is not mine, but that's all I can say.

    I talked to the attorney's paralegal today, she's going to get back to me later to let me know if the atty can help him in court. difficult child is very gullible and has not defended himself in court like he should have in the past (sorry, long story) and was convicted of domestic violence because of his bipolar sister's vehemence against him; she was the one who called the police on him.

    The girlfriend and her parents are being very, very nice in this whole thing - they are not the bad guys.....difficult child seriously needs to get back onto medications and hopefully he's thinking about this while he's in jail till they release him, probably tomorrow.

    Thanks again for your response :)
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey {{{Bertie}}}. I have no been there done that advice, but I wanted to say hello and send along some hugs of support!
  5. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Thanks so much.

    difficult child called last night from jail. I talked to him for about 5 min., but he's still talking like an angry, out-of-control bipolar, so I wasn't able to really get through to him, and I gave up when he started getting rude with me. I told him I was going to hang up, said goodbye, and unplugged the phone for the rest of the night. I also turned off my cell phone and turned off my computer. I really needed some emotional rest last night.

    He goes to court today at 2:30. I am not concerned about the amount of time he may do (maybe 30 days) or the fines/classes imposed, but I AM concerned about getting him back on medications again. That may be our biggest hurdle.

    It's so hard, letting go....I went thru this with my daughter, but I'm much closer to my son and it's more difficult for me this time. I'm trying very hard to detach.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Bertie, why isn't he taking medications now? Did he think he didn't need them? Couldn't afford them?

    If he's not taking them now, what guarantee is there that he'll go back on them---or stay on them?

    That's always the most difficult thing to face, I think. What we want for our kids and what they want for themselves tend to be so different. And when they get in trouble they say tons of Hail Marys, then typically go back to their old ways if they don't have to face the music.

    I'm so sorry. I know this is hard for you.

  7. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    He always, always HATED taking his medications. He used to hide them in various places, fight me most of the time when he was supposed to take them....after I took him to Washington to live, he called me a week later and asked if he could try going off his medications. I said ok, but we needed to keep an eye on how he reacted.

    He was doing great until his girlfriend's baby that time, a lot of other things changed in his life. They moved into their own apartment, he had less structure than he had living with his girlfriend's folks, and of course a newborn baby is a huge stressor. He's done a complete spiral downward since then (two months ago). He's lost weight, he's angry and moody, he accuses his girlfriend of things that aren't true, he's hanging out with his loser friends again, and he's smoking pot again.

    I know there's no guarantee he'll go back on medications.

    He's in court right now, it started at 3 PM. I'm waiting to hear what happens.
  8. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Since we can't read tone of voice, I can't tell if you are offended by what I said or if this is a statement with a *sigh* attached.

    I hope today's court has the best outcome for difficult child.

  9. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Oh it's a sigh......

    Thanks Suz, I'll let you know what happens.
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    I will say that I join ranks of not doing medications.

    Other than that, he's got some work to do. I don't know what that is, but if he wants it, it's there.


  11. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Hi Abbey, it's really nice to hear from you : )

    Maybe what I'm looking for is "permission" to tell him to sink or swim - but can we really do that with these kids? I'm wondering how many of you have done that? And how many of them sank after you said that, or - rather, how many of them sank even with your help to try to save them?

    That's something I'm mulling over right now - I can pay his court fines this time with his money, but should I? if I don't, he goes to jail, probably for a while. Do I want to save him from that?
  12. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    You poor thing. I can only imagine how much turmoil you are in. It is so hard to watch our children self destruct and burn bridges we know are so good for them. They just cant see what we see. I always say, "It's like watching your child driving down the highway doing 120mph on the wrong side of the road and we just cant stop the car". It is just so frustrating!!!

    Hang in there and God bless. :)
  13. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Thanks so much! Yes, it's so hard...I remember I did really stupid things when I was that age (like driving drunk from Long Beach to Santa Monica and I don't even drink, for God's sake), but what I did wasn't anywhere near the things my son is doing.

    Now we've found out that since he has a prior domestic violence that's showing up on his record, he can no longer live with his girlfriend - or he can only stay there two nights a week, or both of them have to move out. What's so ironic is that the prior domestic violence is something my DAUGHTER did - it was for sending some stupid text messages to her.

    So they're trying to decide what to do.....the problem is, she's in low-income housing and no matter where she goes, if he has a domestic violence on his record, he can't live with her. :(

    I've told them I can't be involved in this anymore. I'm sick, I have a really bad bladder (possibly kidney) infection and I'm at work and I feel awful. I had breast cancer last year so the last thing I need is to be stressed out all the time....

    Bertie (who really would like to go home and get horizontal)
  14. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    [/QUOTE]I've told them I can't be involved in this anymore. I'm sick, I have a really bad bladder (possibly kidney) infection and I'm at work and I feel awful. I had breast cancer last year so the last thing I need is to be stressed out all the time....

    Bertie (who really would like to go home and get horizontal)[/QUOTE]

    I'm really sorry you're hurting physically and emotionally. I hope that you will be able to rest your tired body and mind. {{{hugs}}}
  15. bertie

    bertie Been there too many times

    Thanks so much, I really appreciate it.

    I'm going to start a new post re my physical condition and ask for opinions on what I'm thinking about doing....
  16. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Good to hear from you Bertie. I can only add a few things. (Actually, I could add a thousand, buy I'll restrain.)

    What I have found in MY life is that people have hugely different tolerances with medications. I have zero for depression medications. I'm more depressed than before when I've tried taking them. But, give me a cap full of pain medications...I don't even feel a thing. Trust me, I'm not taking a cap full.

    I think the key is to have a really good doctor that sits and listens to you about reactions to whatever you're/child is taking. And, as we know, these reactions don't happen might be weeks or months before you realize the impact. You just need a good doctor to stick with you during the process.