d/h is heartless

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
The visit is not that unusual - both kt & wm had the same response to us. Our visits lasted all of 20 minutes most days.

I'm sorry you feel husband is being heartless. Have you asked him exactly how he is feeling? Seriously, with a terminally ill father & a son in the psychiatric hospital, he must be numb or feeling incredibly torn.

Having lost my mother recently, I have to say that I'd be at my father's side in a minute. I lost too much time with her because of the extreme needs of my children. I'd move heaven & earth to be at my father's side.

You are going to grieve - this hospitalization cements, in your mind, if not your heart, that difficult child has some serious issues & disorders/illness. This is horrific to accept in our children.

We all have hopes & expectations of our children; we need to reframe what our children can & cannot accomplish.


New Member
<span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #006600"> is husband bio or step? men process these things so differently than we do. women want to fix & rescue. men see a problem, formulate a plan & want to move forward. since difficult child was to be admitted i can see how he felt there was no need for him to be hanging around since nothing he said or did would change the situation. when men can't do anything of impact they detach rather rapidly. can't honestly say i blame him for seeking better food. hospital food is really awful lol. on top of that emotional women are exhausting to most men.

okay, i understand how his attitude is hurtful to you, but i ca see his side as well. this sound like men are from mars/women are from venus stuff. during a calm moment i would try to explain how his attitude is so hurtful to you & that you really need his support when things go wrong. if he refuses to get it then maybe you have some decisions to make down the road &lt;sigh&gt;.

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New Member
I'm so sorry, hun. As I said in my reply to your other post...emotionally, I can relate to what you're going through, as I'm feeling the same way with my difficult child in the psychiatric hospital. I can only imagine if my husband were acting that way. But gosh...now that I think about it...I'm pretty sure I recall posting something about my husband being a total you-know-what during one of M's last admits!!! LOL Yup..pretty sure I did.

Kris is right. Men are different. They process differently. While it's quite possible your husband is a spineless you-know-what, it's quite possible he isn't. It could just be his coping mechanism.

Find some space...find someone else you can lean on and try to re-group...husband is not the right person to turn to right now.

Here if you want to chat. :::hugs:::


I can not imagine the heart ache. difficult child has never been hospitalized. There was a time when we were going to do so, psychiatrist came in on a Saturday. No beds were available. I was so stressed I cannot remember many things that happened that day. husband didn't come with to psychiatrist. Never has. School counselor that is good friend came with. difficult child was really lost in his own world at the time. Things were really bad both at home and school. I do remember friend asking psychiatrist if there was anything he could give to "mom". I don't even remember driving there and it is not in my city.

husband does not go to psychiatrist, pediatrician, school meetings. He did go to two therapist appointments because therapist wanted all of us there.
Did nothing regarding school. It was a tough year. husband just pretends nothing is wrong. Then when he acts up he doesn't understand.


Active Member
I am so sorry, you have so much to deal with and all at once. your heart must be aching. I have to say during those times I think it best to be very good to yourself. do not try to keep the house perfect, get hot baths, sip iced tea on the porch. during down times when you are not needed, rest up and relax the way you like best.

your husband is problem stressed to the max too and not able to be there for anyone and is shutting off. his way of handling things is not helping you at all. I would ask him for a hug. ask him to tell you it will be alright. ask him for support in a small quiet voice.


New Member
I agree with alisonlg and kris. Very possible husband is maxed out or cannot cope, or processing it differently. ANd sometimes our partners will be on an opposite end of things as we are, sometimes I wonder if this is a way for them to try to "balance" things somewhat? Kinda like haveing someone watching out for the other end of things?

I will say, for me pesonally, when I was torn with my mother dying and me being her only careprovider, and my husband in ICU in one hospital one direction several hours from home, and my oldest difficult child home and her 17th birthday and easy child home struggling to get to & from school, and my son in presurg for immediate emergency surgery 5 hours in another direction, I was QUITE torn. I KNEW my mom was gonna die. There was a possibility my husband could die, My oldest difficult child was verbalizing possible suicidal ideations, my easy child was not coping well at all, BUT for me personally at that time? I felt MY responsibility was with my youngest child, my son at his surgical bedside. Why? I knew I could not save my mom. I also have 4 siblings and I had been with my mom at her side, not with my kids (which is indirectly related to how my husband became so ill and my son got hurt) Yes, of course I did WANT more time with my mom, - and I definely knew all about loss, having just lost the aunt who helped raise me and my best friend. BUT, I am my sons mom. and my son NEEDED me at HIS side. Becuz I AM his MOM. My life partner whom I love very much MIGHT be dying BUT...being "mom" my responsibility when so torn was to our child that we conceived and brought into this world. HARD choices and everyone will reach their own conclusions to what choice they will make and still be able to live with themself. Every single one of us is going to perceive things differently, internalize them differently, and worry over different things. It is possible your husband might have decided the hospital is doing what they can for your child, and you are there for your child, and maybe he is thinking he has to be with his dad, and be the breadwinner and worry about the future state of finances. (Many men are raised to believe this is their job- their contribution to family)
Of course, I do not know your situation, so, maybe I am wrong. Just tossing ideas out there.
Hugs to you. Sending good thoughts your way.

Wiped Out

Well-Known Member
Staff member
I remember when difficult child was hospitalized he was often wanting to cut visits short so he could play with the other kids. Don't take it personally.

I'm sorry husband seems thoughtless right now. I agree with the others that he seems to deal with his stress/grief in a different way. I think people just respond differently to situations. I know when difficult child was hospitalized as much as I missed him and felt bad there was a part of me that felt relief. I felt our house was safe for a bit. It was a time for me to recharge. Hugs to you--I know this is a difficult time.


our family meeting is at 4PM and he is out cold drunk and it's 3:12 PM and the hospital is 40 minutes away, I guess I am on my own as usual................................


Well-Known Member
I'm so sorry. It always seems like there's more than we can handle, but we do it. I wish you had more support, but you're strong. Remember....we are warrior moms!