Defiant Child - Part 2

Guest
5. THE FULL RILEY p.47
Step One: ~if behavior escalates you do not respond physically but tell the teen that they will return to an empty room and things may not return.
~the teen will have to earn them back with good behavior.
~phone, tv, transportation, money, long showers, soft drinks, snack,
favorite clothes, everything will be denied them except a set of clothes, a mattress and blanket, and have to be earned back.
Step Two: ~if there is any physical violence the police will be called and you will press charges.
~usually on probation and have to do community service
Step Three: **it is equally important to praise your child for making a smart decision if he chooses to back down or calm down
~ parents own everything in the house, under 18 yr. children don't own anything even if the kid buys it
~obvious enforcer-trips to mall, transportation, tangible items, allowance
~subtle reminders-long showers, cool clothes, snacks, what's up on walls ability to have job.
~parents have the obligation to insist that the children leave the nest with a certain set of rules, such as the ability to read and write, maintain a conversation, critical reason and conduct themselves in a way that poses no risk to others.
~it's reasonable to let them express themselves-within reasonable limits.
6. parents must remain in control of themselves
~if parents are yelling then NO one is in control

7. parents cannot be held hostage by threats
~take your children's threats very seriously
~acting upon child's threats by getting them to doctor, or calling police shows child that the parent is in charge and will do whatever is necessary
~it tightens the structure around the child
~kid may freak, but it will make her feel safer and more contained
8. humor is more powerful than muscles
~ONCE YOU GET ANGRY THEY KNOW JUST HOW TO RESPOND with their usual meltdown
~
they keep acting out to try and get you mad-so they can get in the familiar grove
~teens are not mature enough to defy you without trying to hurt you-but they
respect adults who have a sense of humor
~ODD kids are experts in getting us angry
~but in truth they are just kids floundering around in an attempt to become powerful
~life is smoother if you enjoy their attempts and approach with a sense of
humor
9. a child's attempt to gain power is healthy
~ some kids grab for power in a clumsy manner
~ODD kids go overboard
~the ODD kid doesn't doesn't stop to think that power is negotiable or earned
~their "power" is increased as they learn healthy ways to heighten their awarness of self, through positive experiences
**it is not the ODD kid's drive for power that is problematic, but the strategies he uses to obtain it***

10. YOU MUST BE WILLING TO MAKE YOUR CHILD MISERABLE
~ODD kids have an innate ability to ignore reason and logic, talking or yelling at them has little impact
**when the ODD kid feels he can defeat his parents-the parents must be willing to devote themselves to proving that they are willing to make him unhappy.
~if you don't respond with strong medicine he gets the message his behavior is fine.
a. the first step in making them miserable is to surprise them! catch them off guard!
~take all their things when they are out of the house
b.*** always give the child a way out of the miserable option
~if they behave they won't need to be miserable
c. discuss with your teen your plan-punishments & rewards
11. TALKING TO AN OPPOSITIONAL TEEN p. 63
~ give explanations as to why these restrictions are falling into place
~gives them a chance is to provide the child with reason and logic, and hope they will understand and change behaviors without consequences
~express them as fact not as an opening for argument
~state the rule, (how you want them to act)the reward and the punishment ~it gives them an out, an a new behavior to replace the old ones.
~ do these things in a private setting
~eliminates kid acting out to show off
~doesn't embarrass them
~there is logic to an ODD kid; talk act and think oppositionally as their first line of defense in a world they view as hostile toward them.
~therefore don't expect them to open up easily

**YOUR JOB AS A PARENT IS TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY SEE THE WORLD & WHY THEY ACT THE WAY THEY DO, EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. *******
~don't over explain
12.. give clear messages about negative behaviors and their costs.
~ODD kids need to know their actions have consequences.
**you have to find a way to prove to him that you will provide consequences over and over and over and over. remember he believes he can outlast you!
13. ask moral questions
**if your child acts oppositionally but can give you reasonable answers to your questions and has a tendency to moderate his behavior at school or elsewhere the battle is already won!
~this tells you he knows right from wrong, but is having difficulty implementing it at home, which is a common pattern
14. avoid the oppositional trap
~ODD kids are better than anyone else at being oppositional
~if we aren't ODD-we will lose every argument
~they keep trying to get you to argue, cause that is what they know best.
15. find a time to talk to kid when you can be alone, when h/she is in a good mood, when tension is low
~explain oppositional behavior (talk about someone kid knows)
~ask how oppositional behaviors get him into trouble
~praise him for what he can offer about his behavior
~give child a way and a reason to accept replacement behaviors
~tell kid not to think of it as changing behaviors as failing but as becoming bilingual & will increase their chances of getting what he wants
~see page 76-77 for replacement thoughts and behaviors.
~admire their attempts to be strong, because they view their behaviors as fighting for their rights.
~it is the way they choose to stand up for themselves that is the problem
**remember oppositional arguing by kids is really an attempt to communicate, regardless of the fact that it is a failed attempt.***

end of Part 2.......part 3 is coming soon-stay tuned!
 

Guest
Oh this is so good!

Will be helpful to alot of the new parents on the board seeking information on the Full Riley.
 

Guest
I SURE HOPE SO!


HOW DO WE GET IT INTO ONE OF THOSE PLACES THAT CAN BE ACCESSIBLE ALL THE TIME?

THEN WE COULD REFER THEM RIGHT TO IT?????

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Ellenkath, AKA: DRAMA MAMA, Mom of: male difficult child 15 yr.Diagnosed ADHD at 10 yr. Recently diagnosed ODD, possible emerging bi-polar. In day treatment program since spring 2000. Male easy child 18 yr.
Co-facilitator for a Parents Helping Parents support group
Are we having fun yet?? "He who laughs, lasts." M.P. Poole
 

Guest
Hi Ellen,

I have long been a Riley fan. It has worked for us and so naturally I think he is wonderful
.

If you would like I will ask Abbey where she thinks would be a good place to save this. I hesitate putting it in archives because there is quite a lot in there now and although I think this needs a permanent home I am afraid some day we may need to do something to archives. My suggestion would be to put it into a format where Abbey can put it into either a book repost or the Articles section of the home page. When you are finished with this let me know and I will see what can be done.

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Nancy
13 yo easy child/9 yo difficult child daughters
 

Guest
great!!! thanks!!
i'll let ya know. hope to be finished soon............

i think we ought to have a welcome letter that can be shot out to new members giving them some basic info??? what do ya tyhink??

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Ellenkath, AKA: DRAMA MAMA, Mom of: male difficult child 15 yr.Diagnosed ADHD at 10 yr. Recently diagnosed ODD, possible emerging bi-polar. In day treatment program since spring 2000. Male easy child 18 yr.
Co-facilitator for a Parents Helping Parents support group
Are we having fun yet?? "He who laughs, lasts." M.P. Poole
 
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