5. THE FULL RILEY p.47 Step One: ~if behavior escalates you do not respond physically but tell the teen that they will return to an empty room and things may not return. ~the teen will have to earn them back with good behavior. ~phone, tv, transportation, money, long showers, soft drinks, snack, favorite clothes, everything will be denied them except a set of clothes, a mattress and blanket, and have to be earned back. Step Two: ~if there is any physical violence the police will be called and you will press charges. ~usually on probation and have to do community service Step Three: **it is equally important to praise your child for making a smart decision if he chooses to back down or calm down ~ parents own everything in the house, under 18 yr. children don't own anything even if the kid buys it ~obvious enforcer-trips to mall, transportation, tangible items, allowance ~subtle reminders-long showers, cool clothes, snacks, what's up on walls ability to have job. ~parents have the obligation to insist that the children leave the nest with a certain set of rules, such as the ability to read and write, maintain a conversation, critical reason and conduct themselves in a way that poses no risk to others. ~it's reasonable to let them express themselves-within reasonable limits. 6. parents must remain in control of themselves ~if parents are yelling then NO one is in control 7. parents cannot be held hostage by threats ~take your children's threats very seriously ~acting upon child's threats by getting them to doctor, or calling police shows child that the parent is in charge and will do whatever is necessary ~it tightens the structure around the child ~kid may freak, but it will make her feel safer and more contained 8. humor is more powerful than muscles ~ONCE YOU GET ANGRY THEY KNOW JUST HOW TO RESPOND with their usual meltdown ~ they keep acting out to try and get you mad-so they can get in the familiar grove ~teens are not mature enough to defy you without trying to hurt you-but they respect adults who have a sense of humor ~ODD kids are experts in getting us angry ~but in truth they are just kids floundering around in an attempt to become powerful ~life is smoother if you enjoy their attempts and approach with a sense of humor 9. a child's attempt to gain power is healthy ~ some kids grab for power in a clumsy manner ~ODD kids go overboard ~the ODD kid doesn't doesn't stop to think that power is negotiable or earned ~their "power" is increased as they learn healthy ways to heighten their awarness of self, through positive experiences **it is not the ODD kid's drive for power that is problematic, but the strategies he uses to obtain it*** 10. YOU MUST BE WILLING TO MAKE YOUR CHILD MISERABLE ~ODD kids have an innate ability to ignore reason and logic, talking or yelling at them has little impact **when the ODD kid feels he can defeat his parents-the parents must be willing to devote themselves to proving that they are willing to make him unhappy. ~if you don't respond with strong medicine he gets the message his behavior is fine. a. the first step in making them miserable is to surprise them! catch them off guard! ~take all their things when they are out of the house b.*** always give the child a way out of the miserable option ~if they behave they won't need to be miserable c. discuss with your teen your plan-punishments & rewards 11. TALKING TO AN OPPOSITIONAL TEEN p. 63 ~ give explanations as to why these restrictions are falling into place ~gives them a chance is to provide the child with reason and logic, and hope they will understand and change behaviors without consequences ~express them as fact not as an opening for argument ~state the rule, (how you want them to act)the reward and the punishment ~it gives them an out, an a new behavior to replace the old ones. ~ do these things in a private setting ~eliminates kid acting out to show off ~doesn't embarrass them ~there is logic to an ODD kid; talk act and think oppositionally as their first line of defense in a world they view as hostile toward them. ~therefore don't expect them to open up easily **YOUR JOB AS A PARENT IS TO UNDERSTAND HOW THEY SEE THE WORLD & WHY THEY ACT THE WAY THEY DO, EVEN WHEN THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. ******* ~don't over explain 12.. give clear messages about negative behaviors and their costs. ~ODD kids need to know their actions have consequences. **you have to find a way to prove to him that you will provide consequences over and over and over and over. remember he believes he can outlast you! 13. ask moral questions **if your child acts oppositionally but can give you reasonable answers to your questions and has a tendency to moderate his behavior at school or elsewhere the battle is already won! ~this tells you he knows right from wrong, but is having difficulty implementing it at home, which is a common pattern 14. avoid the oppositional trap ~ODD kids are better than anyone else at being oppositional ~if we aren't ODD-we will lose every argument ~they keep trying to get you to argue, cause that is what they know best. 15. find a time to talk to kid when you can be alone, when h/she is in a good mood, when tension is low ~explain oppositional behavior (talk about someone kid knows) ~ask how oppositional behaviors get him into trouble ~praise him for what he can offer about his behavior ~give child a way and a reason to accept replacement behaviors ~tell kid not to think of it as changing behaviors as failing but as becoming bilingual & will increase their chances of getting what he wants ~see page 76-77 for replacement thoughts and behaviors. ~admire their attempts to be strong, because they view their behaviors as fighting for their rights. ~it is the way they choose to stand up for themselves that is the problem **remember oppositional arguing by kids is really an attempt to communicate, regardless of the fact that it is a failed attempt.*** end of Part 2.......part 3 is coming soon-stay tuned!