Defiant Child - Part 5

~CHOOSING APPROPRIATE FRIENDS p. 130 --please meet your child's friends
~teens take their social cues from their least successful peers
~they are drawn to other oppositional kids, everyone else is boring
~meet their friends, get kids to house, or (for younger kids) go where you can observe them,
~tell teen you want him to broaden his group of associates
~this way you can escape his accusations that you are trying to control who he makes friends with
~it is virtually impossible to stop him from talking to his old inappropriate friends at school, etc, but you can ask if he is beginning to associate with other kids.
~asking who is calling or caller ID, helps you monitor who is calling,
~Radio Shack sells a gizmo that you can attach to your phone and when any phone is picked up in the house it will record the conversation
~if child continues to hang out with inappropriate friends
~then all the previous behavior techniques are called back into play
~refer to section in outline dealing with "when talking fails" and follow suggestions (or Chap 4, p. 63)
~remember you own everything in the house
**let him/her know you will (follow chap. 4) repeat these steps OVER & OVER & OVER FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES, but also tell him/ her you will also be willing to help him/her find appropriate friends, and teach the skills to interact with non-ODD kids.
**your child must learn that you will NOT rest & he will NOT be happy until he makes good peer choices
~when teen reaches driving age follow this rule: teen is not allowed to drive with anyone parents haven't met. they should swing by the house for introductions
~think of friends you meet as a sample of who your teen hangs out with
***kids who have good social graces, make eye contact and appear positive you kid is on good ground
***kids who don't make eye contact, mumble or answer with lots of
i-don't-knows you may be in trouble.
~the friends with good social skills are less likely to get into serious trouble and more likely to out grow their ODD ways
~Message to your teen: if I meet your friends and they reek of trouble I will not reward you for hanging around them.
~hanging with dangerous kids: parents should err on the side of overprotection!!
**if you teen is still hanging out with the wrong crowd:
~don't follow these suggestions until all other options have failed.
~these can alienate a teen who may respond to lesser interventions
~ask kids who come to house if they have a record and what for, ever been arrested, on probation, substance abuse etc.
~how about the known thieves must pay a $50 depoit every time they come to visit. then if nothing is stolen or broken they can have it back when they leave
~have a release of info for your teens friends to sign allowing you to contact police or probation officer in re. to their record
~of course this is a ploy— but it may certainly weed out the riffraff!!
**substance abuse
~as these friends come over tell them you will be requesting their keys and will then be thoroughly searching their cars.
~of course your goal is to discourage these kids from coming back
**controlled substance abuse
~suspect substance abuse, invite kids and their parents over for a meeting to discuss it
~educate your teen continually about substances and abuse
~ they may sneak a beer or cigarette, etc keep the lines of communication open
**tell them no matter where they are and their driver is under the influence or they themselves are in no shape to drive, you will come and get them
~teach them to have fun without drugs
~tell them that using drugs, etc. will result in losing privileges. he shouldn't be surprised if you
~refuse to let him hang out with drug friends
~no driving
~take him for treatment
~allow him to leave home alone
~will be restricted till parents convinced drug free
~PRIVACY--room, car will be searched. any substances will be destroyed
~random urine testing
~privileges return based upon behavior
~oppositional kids can develop varying relationships with the truth.
~the ODD kid goes to the extreme
~some ODD kids may be in your face, but will tell the truth
~some ODD kids may not only use the truth to wound you but to chop your head off--if they lie they tell whoppers
~many ODD kids suffer from lack of empathy
~there is no way to teach someone how to think empathetically without first training them in the language of feelings and emotions
~STEALING p. 144
~some kids may take a pack of gum and after being told to return it won't do it again
~some kids may steel compulsively because it satisfies a sense of anger and frustration-this is a deep psychological problem which needs specific help!!
~some steal to resell for profit.
~kids need to know stealing is wrong, and most will realize that and don't need us to make excuses for their behavior or give them lengthy explanations
~feel free to tap into their sense of guilt with this one it will reawaken their conscience
~if kids won't stop and consider it sport use strong consequences
~they don't understand what it is like to have something of value taken from them, how it feels
~tell them it is important how stealing makes one feel
~in next few weeks you will be taking something of value from them and it will never be returned (refer to p. 146)
~tell her you will deny her accusations that you took it just as she has denied others accusations, that she will feel extremely frustrated and that is your goal
~she is now identified as a thief..she will have to earn her reputation back.
~others won't trust her, even though she thinks she is trustworthy
~it is entirely natural for children to operate on a conspiracy-based, paranoid logic during a certain period of their development
~their brains are not sophisticated enough to develop complicated explanations for their interactions with others
~conspiracy thinkers think everyone is out to get them.
~if you experience high levels of conflict or problems with others or with systems such as school, courts or other organizations and it seems you are never to blame--then you too are a conspiracy thinker
**when a conspiracy-prone teen says her teachers, friends etc are mad at her for no reason GENTLY inquire if it might be related to something she has said or done
~explain to them mistakes are human and that admitting them helps us see more clearly how not to continue to make the same mistakes over and over
~some teens won't accept this insight because they have so much invested in being faultless
~with these kids you have to remind them that you are not willing to listen solely to conspiracy - based theories of their conflict with others. tell them they must provide you with an alternative explanation
**this will be difficult for them so PRAISE them when they make an effort to explain things in a manner that examines their own contributions***
end of part 5 / part 6 coming soon.......