My son will be 6 next month. He has a extreme anger problem. He has chased his younger sister with a sharp knife he got out of the drawer saying "I'm going to kill you sissy" in a rage. He has broke 2 doors slamming them in fits of rage. We can't even talk to him anymore with out him screaming in our face. We have been to numerous psycitrists in the past but all said it's normal behavior for that age. He has no impulse control. I can't even take him into a store or public place anymore. He has tried to steal toys and candy because I couldn't get them for him at the time. He spits and urinates himself everytime you punish him. I am afraid that he will kill us or someone else in the future but nobody wants to listen. He's great at school but at home or with other family members he's out of control. He has almost bashed his head through the wall when he was put in time-out. When we took stuff away from him as punishment he goes into a complete rage and I almost called to police out to the house. He turned over chairs and ripped picures off the wall. He don't sleep. We are lucky if he's asleep before 11 and up at 6.30 for school. ANY SUGGESTIONS?
destructive 6 year old
- Thread starter slewis901
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- adhd aggressive child
Steely
Active Member
Well, welcome, you are not alone.
The psyche doctors you have seen obviously are either in denial, or don't get the whole picture.
Your first step would be to have him tested and evaluated by a NeuroPsychologist - they can then see where the real issues lie -as obviously there are some huge ones.
It is somewhat normal for these kids to save everything up for home - but be fine at school - or vice a versa. That does not mean there is not a problem.
Hugs, we have all been there - but you need to get your son help - ASAP. Even if you check him into a psychiatric hospital - he needs help.
The psyche doctors you have seen obviously are either in denial, or don't get the whole picture.
Your first step would be to have him tested and evaluated by a NeuroPsychologist - they can then see where the real issues lie -as obviously there are some huge ones.
It is somewhat normal for these kids to save everything up for home - but be fine at school - or vice a versa. That does not mean there is not a problem.
Hugs, we have all been there - but you need to get your son help - ASAP. Even if you check him into a psychiatric hospital - he needs help.
Malika
Well-Known Member
Your son sounds very explosive.... I am new to all this but I would recommend the book that lots of people here recommend - "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. From reading what you say it seems clear that conventional methods of discipline simply do not work with your son. So you need something else...
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Boy, does that sound familiar! Except that it was the pediatrician who said, "That's a boy!"
Hey, I don't let boys, girls, dogs, cats, horses or bulls break my furniture.
Time for find a new dr.
Meanwhile, I agree, read as much as you can on explosive kids, ADHD, etc. You want to figure out his triggers--such as transitions, taking things away from him--and avoid those.
on the other hand, you'll have to chose your battles and occasionally set off a trigger to train him to control himself. For one thing, don't try to teach him anything when he's in a rage. Wait until he calms down, and then you'll have a "teachable moment." (You'll see that in a lot of books.) Trying to reason with-a raging child is like reasoning with-an alcoholic when they're drunk.
Have you tried any medications?
Hey, I don't let boys, girls, dogs, cats, horses or bulls break my furniture.
Time for find a new dr.
Meanwhile, I agree, read as much as you can on explosive kids, ADHD, etc. You want to figure out his triggers--such as transitions, taking things away from him--and avoid those.
on the other hand, you'll have to chose your battles and occasionally set off a trigger to train him to control himself. For one thing, don't try to teach him anything when he's in a rage. Wait until he calms down, and then you'll have a "teachable moment." (You'll see that in a lot of books.) Trying to reason with-a raging child is like reasoning with-an alcoholic when they're drunk.
Have you tried any medications?
H
HaoZi
Guest
The docs consider this normal?
timer lady
Queen of Hearts
slewis901, welcome to our little corner of the world. It's time to get out a video camera & record this stuff. Document document document each physically aggressive incident & the trigger if there is one. In the meantime, you need to sit up a safety zone for your little one when your difficult child starts raging. A pretty room with her dolls & some movies ~ anything to remove her from the goings on of her big brother.
The entire family needs a crisis plan in place. If the local psychiatrists aren't willing to listen it's time to hit a university teaching hospital. I'd also request every evaluation under the sun to rule out/rule in various disorders. While you're in the process of finding help pick up the book The Explosive Child ~ a godsend to many parents on this site. Another book that worked with my difficult child wm who raged every 20 minutes was Parenting with Love & Logic. Whatever works for you & your family is what I'd put in place.
Pick your battles wisely. If your difficult child choose to urinate on himself due to consequences then he must change his clothes & take them to the laundry room. While consequences are a natural part of life you need to catch your little one doing/making the right choices.
What is calming for your difficult child? Is is a shower or bath? If you can see him escalating find that one thing that will de-escalate. For my children at that age it was a bath with their favorite toys. Or a cup of herb tea with honey along with a pudding cup.
Just some thoughts for you while you sort out the thing with doctors & therapists.
The entire family needs a crisis plan in place. If the local psychiatrists aren't willing to listen it's time to hit a university teaching hospital. I'd also request every evaluation under the sun to rule out/rule in various disorders. While you're in the process of finding help pick up the book The Explosive Child ~ a godsend to many parents on this site. Another book that worked with my difficult child wm who raged every 20 minutes was Parenting with Love & Logic. Whatever works for you & your family is what I'd put in place.
Pick your battles wisely. If your difficult child choose to urinate on himself due to consequences then he must change his clothes & take them to the laundry room. While consequences are a natural part of life you need to catch your little one doing/making the right choices.
What is calming for your difficult child? Is is a shower or bath? If you can see him escalating find that one thing that will de-escalate. For my children at that age it was a bath with their favorite toys. Or a cup of herb tea with honey along with a pudding cup.
Just some thoughts for you while you sort out the thing with doctors & therapists.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
The docs consider this normal?
I was wondering the same thing. How can it be normal to chase anyone with a weapon of any kind?
Seriously, you need a new doctor. And a video camera (even a cell phone camcorder will work).
Did this show up out of nowhere, or has he had extreme rages since he was a baby? Wondering if there was an event, or the poor kid was born that way (I have both, in the same child, so I do understand!)
Hugs. You're not alone!
I am so sorry that you all have to go through this - even him! Of course it is NOT normal behavior. Your son would NOT do this if he could do handle things another way. The problem is figuring out why this is the only way he seems to be able to handle things. I am NOT saying "poor little boy" and telling you to coddle him. I promise. I AM saying that there has to be something causing this because it is incredibly rare that a child, esp at age 6, would choose to act this way when he was capable of handling things in a more socially acceptable way.
Your family needs to write out a safety plan for when he rages. Who goes where, who does what. Little sister goes into a room behind a locked door (that SHE locks if possible - my youngest has to start doing this at about 3 when Wiz raged) and she has things she loves to play with and things that soothe her and movies that she can play. You and husband should each have a phone in your pocket or on your person at all times when you are home. Even in your jammies in case he rages then. Sit down and decide what things will result in a call to 911 (not for difficult child to go to juvie but for transport for an out of control mentally ill child to the hospital or psychiatric hospital) - I would say any acts that would hurt him or someone else or destroy property should result in this call.
You also need to document each event. Consider which areas of the home he most often goes to when he rages - often it is where the family spends the most time. It might also be where MOM spends the most time. Often a difficult child will rage more for/at Mom than anyone else. It feels like they hate us and we are their target. Reality is VERY different. They rage at/around us most because they know we love them no matter what and will love them even when they rage. We are the safest thing in their world and they bottle up or save whatever is going one and then let it all spew out with us. Not any fun, but it does make sense. I often thought this and in the last year my difficult child has opened up about things he did/said/thought/felt back in the bad times. Wiz said this was exactly why he would be "fine" at school, with my parents, at friends' homes, in stores, etc... and then explode at home - esp around me. (He has been doing a lot of thinking and looking back at those times off an on since he turned himself around.)
If you have an area where difficult child rages more - family room, kitchen, your room, or wherever - consider putting a video security system in place to record that room. I just saw one at Sam's for $149.99.. You could mount the cameras unobtrusively when he was at school or one of you took him out somehwere, and then have a record of it that he wouldn't know about. It would show what he was doing and neither you nor husband would have to be holding the camera. We found that when Wiz was raging he would run from the camera or attack it. He was rarely able to just stop, but many kids can. they just stop when someone official shows up or they see a camera, so it can be very hard to get video.
The books recommended are excellent. I also recommend strongly that you read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" by Dr. Doug Riley. It will help you figure out why he is exploding and this can help you figure out how to stop them. He really has a handle on what we go through and the kinds of things we need and need to know to help our kids.
As you are setting up evaluations, be sure to include evaluation for sensory issues by a private Occupational Therapist. Some people's brains do not handle input from their senses the way most people do and it can create enormous problems. My kids all have them to some degree and I do too. Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) or sensory processing disorder (SPD) (sensory integration or processing disorder - seems to be called one or the other depending on the source you are looking at but they seem to be the same thing from what I can figure out) can be treated fairly effectively and the treatment is often pleasant and/or fun for the child, so there are not as many battles over it - from what I have been told. For me, when the sensory issues are really bad it feels like the world is attacking me - sounds, lights, smells, even the texture or pressure of my clothing all feels bad or somehow wrong and is super hard to cope with. It is even harder when you are a kid and don't know why all these things are such a problem when everyone else is fine with them.
I hope that you can get the help you need. It may take repeated calls to 911 to have your son transferred to a psychiatric hospital or other hospital, but this WILL help you get the docs to pay attention. Consider also looking for a developmental pediatrician. They have special training in what should be happening as a child develops, identifying problems in development and treating these problems. Even if your child hit every developmental milestone, he could still have a problem taht the dev pediatrician could help with.
Your family needs to write out a safety plan for when he rages. Who goes where, who does what. Little sister goes into a room behind a locked door (that SHE locks if possible - my youngest has to start doing this at about 3 when Wiz raged) and she has things she loves to play with and things that soothe her and movies that she can play. You and husband should each have a phone in your pocket or on your person at all times when you are home. Even in your jammies in case he rages then. Sit down and decide what things will result in a call to 911 (not for difficult child to go to juvie but for transport for an out of control mentally ill child to the hospital or psychiatric hospital) - I would say any acts that would hurt him or someone else or destroy property should result in this call.
You also need to document each event. Consider which areas of the home he most often goes to when he rages - often it is where the family spends the most time. It might also be where MOM spends the most time. Often a difficult child will rage more for/at Mom than anyone else. It feels like they hate us and we are their target. Reality is VERY different. They rage at/around us most because they know we love them no matter what and will love them even when they rage. We are the safest thing in their world and they bottle up or save whatever is going one and then let it all spew out with us. Not any fun, but it does make sense. I often thought this and in the last year my difficult child has opened up about things he did/said/thought/felt back in the bad times. Wiz said this was exactly why he would be "fine" at school, with my parents, at friends' homes, in stores, etc... and then explode at home - esp around me. (He has been doing a lot of thinking and looking back at those times off an on since he turned himself around.)
If you have an area where difficult child rages more - family room, kitchen, your room, or wherever - consider putting a video security system in place to record that room. I just saw one at Sam's for $149.99.. You could mount the cameras unobtrusively when he was at school or one of you took him out somehwere, and then have a record of it that he wouldn't know about. It would show what he was doing and neither you nor husband would have to be holding the camera. We found that when Wiz was raging he would run from the camera or attack it. He was rarely able to just stop, but many kids can. they just stop when someone official shows up or they see a camera, so it can be very hard to get video.
The books recommended are excellent. I also recommend strongly that you read "What Your Explosive Child is Trying to Tell You" by Dr. Doug Riley. It will help you figure out why he is exploding and this can help you figure out how to stop them. He really has a handle on what we go through and the kinds of things we need and need to know to help our kids.
As you are setting up evaluations, be sure to include evaluation for sensory issues by a private Occupational Therapist. Some people's brains do not handle input from their senses the way most people do and it can create enormous problems. My kids all have them to some degree and I do too. Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) or sensory processing disorder (SPD) (sensory integration or processing disorder - seems to be called one or the other depending on the source you are looking at but they seem to be the same thing from what I can figure out) can be treated fairly effectively and the treatment is often pleasant and/or fun for the child, so there are not as many battles over it - from what I have been told. For me, when the sensory issues are really bad it feels like the world is attacking me - sounds, lights, smells, even the texture or pressure of my clothing all feels bad or somehow wrong and is super hard to cope with. It is even harder when you are a kid and don't know why all these things are such a problem when everyone else is fine with them.
I hope that you can get the help you need. It may take repeated calls to 911 to have your son transferred to a psychiatric hospital or other hospital, but this WILL help you get the docs to pay attention. Consider also looking for a developmental pediatrician. They have special training in what should be happening as a child develops, identifying problems in development and treating these problems. Even if your child hit every developmental milestone, he could still have a problem taht the dev pediatrician could help with.
4timmy
New Member
Very familiar here too. My difficult child urinated in his room for a long while. He should have had a T-Shirt that said "I Void all Warranties" too. He ripped up sheets, cut up his clothes, ran himself into walls with his head, stabbed himself with pencils, and threatened to kill with knives. We had to duct tape his diaper on when he was three because he was a poo flinger. (I was the turd wrangler) I could list pages of the things he destroyed growing up. We had to hide the knives. He's 12 now and has gotten much better but is on several medications that help his moods. We are still working on controlling his explosive reactions to things he doesn't like. This is a great place for advice and support so welcome and rest assured you are NOT alone.
Good thing husband and I have a sense of humor or I think we would have lost our minds and our marriage by now....
Good thing husband and I have a sense of humor or I think we would have lost our minds and our marriage by now....
