difficult child 2 HAS CONTROL Of HIS TANTRUM

[SearchingForRainbows]

difficult child 2 started off the day on the wrong foot. I asked him to please eat his breakfast and he mouthed "F*CK Y*U, Y*U B*TCH". I told him that was unacceptable and he was going to lose 15 minutes of his reward time.

difficult child 2 started giving me "the finger" when he thought I wasn't looking. I once again told him that was unacceptable and took away another 15 minutes of his reward time.

At this point his behavior was getting worse by the second. I calmly told him that if he couldn't eat his breakfast politely, he would have to leave the table. He was passive aggressive towards me but refrained from doing anything really bad so I let him finish his breakfast.

As soon as he was done, he went into a full blown melt-down. For the next 45 minutes, I had to listen to "F*CK Y*U, Y*U B*TCH, hate you, I'm going to kill you, I hope you have a long, painful death, etc...

The part that bothers me the most is that he had total control over this outburst. When I told him to get upstairs and brush his teeth, he saw the dog. As soon as he repeated his favorite F*CK YOU, YOU B*TCH, he immediately switched into a high pitched baby voice and said hi to the dog. I told him to leave the dog alone and brush his teeth.

As you can imagine, the rest of the time he was home didn't go too well. husband had to get him out of the bathroom and downstairs so he could leave for school... There is never a dull moment with difficult children!!!

I try my best to detach from him. Sometimes I think I've detached too much. He has sucked the life out of me for years!!! Do I love him??? I don't know. However, I feel very responsible for him. I will do whatever I have to do to get him appropriate services in school. I'll also do whatever I have to do to get him appropriate support services when he graduates from high school. I will help him in any way I can when he is an adult.

I know one thing though - If I thought I had to live with him forever, I think I'de fall totally apart!!! I dream about life without having to live with difficult children. Sometimes I think this is the only thing that gets me through...

I'm just so tired of life with difficult children!!! And I feel like such a horrible person not even knowing if I truly love my own son!!! I think I just needed to vent... Thanks. WFEN

 

[timer lady]

WFEN,

Sorry to hear that your difficult child is so verbally obnoxious. You handle yourself well under such horrendous verbal assault.

My beloved wm was very much this way - would scream hateful & hurtful things at me. He still does - as he is in placement, it's just no so in my face.

There came a time for us when wm would make verbal threats, such as I wish you were dead - I'm going to find someone to murder you, that we called in crisis team. It was over the line.

You're not a horrible person - worn out, drained physically & emotionally - but not horrible. I became so sucked dry that I didn't know if I loved my children.

It took 18 months for me to feel positive, loving toward wm. A bit less for kt.

Take care of yourself - let husband take the night shift & take a long hot bath with a glass of wine.

 

[Liahona]

Is this your 15 year old saying he is going to kill you? That is really scary and is over the line.

 

[kassy]

wow hang in there and do not let guilt cement you to the floor... i can relate... i am choosing to no longer feel bad for being sad and disappointed with my kid.....and his choices...i am not a robot without feelings..neither are you...being p***ed off and wanting them gone doesn't mean you are a bad mom it means you are human...

 

[BusynMember]

I think letting psychiatrist add an antipsychotic could help a lot. The mood stabilizer may need changing too, if your son has been on the Trileptal for over two or three months and is still acting this way. Whether or not he can control what he does, he isn't acting like a "typical" frustrated kid and it's way over-the-line to think he's just trying to get his way. His behavior isn't normal for a kid his age and he needs help. Maybe seeing a different psychiatrist for a fresh perspective/re-evaluation or a neuropsychologist could help. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, and wish you the best.

 

[Wiped Out]

WFEN.

I know how that verbal abuse feels. I can totally relate to your feelings. Please don't feel guilty. I would call the psychiatrist to let him know how things are going. Gentle hugs to you.

 

[Janna]

WFEN,

I am so sorry that you have to take this type of verbal abuse from your son. I understand fully your decisions to detach, and would do exactly the same.

I haven't withstood this type of abuse, so I can't really offer any advice. Just wanted to send hugs.

Janna

 

[oceans]

Wow...when my difficult child started making threats and actually kicked me..that is when we did what we needed to do in order to get him in the psychiatric hospital. I hope that things get better for you, and that a medication change might help to calm things down...

 

[slsh]

WFEN,

I think our kids' behaviors drive us to the point of emotional numbness. We have to get numb to survive the verbal (and other) junk our kids spew... and I think we do lose the ability to turn off the numbness when contemplating whether or not we "love" our kids. Of *course* we love our kids. It's just... we've had to get more cautious with- any of our emotions towards them. At least, that's how I rationalize it.

These controlled rages really make me wonder (about my kid anyway). Controlled or uncontrolled, the end result is the same - a kid who cannot function in the community without major interventions, in my humble opinion. It's that disconnect, that piece that's missing that would help them to grasp that it's beyond unacceptable behavior. Sure wish we could find that piece.

I do have to admit an almost fond recall of a very similar period in our lives. Got to the point where I though F Y B, was my given name. :wink: I guess it's *almost* a fond memory because somehow we survived, somehow that daily, never ending verbal abuse didn't kill my love for my kid or my determination to make sure he's in the best possible situation that I can find and he will allow.

Hang in there, and a gentle hug for you.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

I just want to thank everyone for the support and advice. It wasn't easy for me to talk about my negative feelings for difficult child 2, even here. However, I had so much guilt over my negative feelings that I decided to vent. I'm glad I did.

Just knowing I'm not alone in my feelings helps more than you can possibly know... I really like the way Sue explained things in terms of "emotional numbness." It makes lots of sense.

And, MidwestMom I think you have a good point. Looking back, I think I've thought difficult child 2 might need to be re-evaluated and put on medication for a while now but I was procrastinating. There was a time that I just had too much on my plate and I was afraid to hear anything else negative about difficult child 2. Of course this wasn't very smart on my part!!!

Thanks again. I'm so glad I've finally found a place where I can freely express my feelings and get support and advice from experienced :warrior:s. WFEN

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, WFEN, you are definitely not alone! Do NOT feel guilty, no matter what. I cannot believe how much patience you have, judging from the breakfast occurance. Amazing.
Feel free to post any time.
The nice thing about this bb is that several of us are online at any given time... sometimes in the middle of the night. :crazy:

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Terry,

Thanks for the kind words... I wasn't always this patient. Unfortunately, I had to go through lots of difficult times with my difficult children before I realized that I couldn't change them, only my reactions to them. I think as Sue so nicely put it, I'm "emotionally numb" most of the time. WFEN

 

[busywend]

I get it. You do love him, but you do not like him much. You would like to not have to be around him everyday.

You are being abused, you know. It is not a husband of neighbor, but your own child. Your own child is verbally abusing you. You have to consider not only what it will do to him when he realizes it one day, but also what it is teaching the other kids.

It is a tough place to be and one that is not written about much and there is not much advice or services for it. There is not much legal help either.
It sucks.

 

[wakeupcall]

WFEN, my difficult child verbally abuses me, too. He has for many years and I think it's getting worse. I've about decided that there's one last chance for us as a family bacause....he's not been on a mood stabilizer. We have the script and he'll start it next week. If this doesn't DO something, then I will have to make some other changes. I can't do it any longer.

 

[TerryJ2]

This past wk, my difficult child told me I was stupid, etc. I took away his computer mouse and he said something else rude to me, so I added a day. Every day he asks (of course, you know these kids never give up) and every day I say NO, not until Sun. He nicely says, "Oh, yeah." But a couple of days ago he argued that he could do me favors to earn back the mouse. (Trash, dogs, room, etc.) I said that's nice but NO. He asked why, and I told him that it's because every time he thinks about his mouse and computer and why he doesn't have it, he is reminded of how he treated me. Period.
It works... until next time.
And there's always a next time.
However, the "next times" do get spaced out further and further. So I know that something is sinking in. Maybe by the time we're both 90...
At any rate, maybe that approach will help someone here.

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Busywend,

I totally agree with you. It is verbal abuse!!! At the moment, I'm working on getting more services for him in school as well as having him re-evaluated. I'm also researching services for him when he graduates from high school. As I've said so many times, I don't think I would be able to deal with him at all if I thought he was going to have to live with me forever!!!

Unfortunately, over the years, I've learned that giving him consequences for his inappropriate behavior doesn't do much good. However, because there isn't much else I can do, he loses reward time when he is verbally abusive. He also loses his desserts. Taking away dessert is about the only thing that seems to have an effect on him.

I've been thinking about his verbal abuse alot lately. I think that in some ways I must be allowing him to do this. For instance, when he is in the middle of a tantrum and is extremely verbally abusive, he is sent to his room. I ignore him as long as he isn't in danger of hurting himself or someone else. I've learned that trying to talk to him or giving him his consequences when he is in a fit of rage is useless. It only adds fuel to the fire. So, because I can't seem to find a better way of handling him, he is verbally abusive until he decides to stop.

I absolutely HATE that he has this kind of control over me!!! It makes me furious. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm hoping some medication might help him.

I agree. It isn't good for the other kids to be around this. As you put it, and I couldn't agree more, it sucks!!!

It helps just having you call it verbal abuse too. It really makes me realize that I don't want to live with him for four more years like this!!! WFEN

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

PamelaJ,

I'm sorry to hear that you have to deal with verbal abuse from your difficult child too. A mood stabilizer has worked wonders for difficult child 1. I'm hoping that it helps your difficult child too!!!

I'm also hoping that after we have difficult child 2 re-evaluated, he'll be put on a mood stabilizer as well. Like you, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. Something has to change!!!

I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that your difficult child's behavior improves soon... Please update when you can and let us know how he is doing. WFEN

 

[SearchingForRainbows]

Terry,

I'm glad your having good luck with this approach! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it continues to help with your difficult child's behavior.
It's similar to what I do in my house. My kids get reward time for good behavior and loss of reward time for bad behavior. Whenever possible, I like to use natural consequences. Natural consequences seem to sink in better... Although sometimes it's hard to tell if anything sinks in at all!!! :grrr:

 

[neednewtechnique]

I agree with the earlier statement that if this abuse goes on, crisis should be called. I don't know if your difficult child sees a regular therapist, but most therapists and psychiatrist's have 24 hour crisis lines... and if you cant find them, check with your county's mental health clinic. They are legally required to service everyone, even if you don't receive services from them. Their workers are very well trained to help in these types of situations.

 

[wakeupcall]

My difficult child sees his therapist weekly and his medication doctor monthly. On top of that he's in social development classes in fifth grade, has an IEP/BIP. The only thing left is to send him away for awhile to somewhere else to see if anyone else can get through to him. I'm just not ready to do that, I guess.

We are currently in MA visiting our daughter and her family in MA and we're staying in a motel...as much as anything, to keep difficult child away from my grandchildren day in and day out. Friday we got 12 inches of snow, something we don't see much of in Houston. The only thing that worked yesterday was to tell him, "Either you sit there and tell me WHAT it is that you are saying WRONG, so that I know you understand, or there will be NO playing in the snow today!". It took a while, but he finally told me what it was he was saying and doing wrong (it took forever). During that time, I wasn't real sure that he was going to "get it"! That's the reason I wonder, I really do, if he KNOWS what is coming out of his mouth. I know that doesn't make it alright, and I truly am not making excuses for him, but it does make me wonder. Boy, this is a loooooong road.