On the kiddo... I wanted a child so bad. I was so happy to have him after suffering 3 miscarriages and 2 years of pregnancy. My favorite memory of him was during a time I had left his dad (one of the several times). I was at my moms and my little guy (who was about 2) and I were laying down for bed. We were sharing a bed. I was crying gently so he wouldn't hear me. Over the pain of my relationship with his dad, and the love I had for him (such conflicts). I thought he was already sleeping. To my surprise he reached his little hand out without even lifting his head from the pillow. He patted me on the shoulder....like "Mom, it'll be ok". I will never forget that moment. It was priceless. I tried to be a good mom no matter what was going on in my life. I laughed at him, sung silly songs to him. Tried to give him all that I was able. Some of the trouble started when he started school. He would start out every year with the teacher loving him and by then end of the year he would have his desk butt up against the teachers so she could keep an eye on him. By 2nd grade he was often sent to do his schoolwork in the hallway. A teacher of 3rd grade would walk by while he was in the hall and encourage him to get his work done so he could make it to the 3rd grade. He did and she was his teacher the next year. By the end of the year she couldn't stand him because he caused commotion with him in her class. He would often try to be funny. He would quote the PACE picante commercial in the middle of class saying "New York City? Get a rope!" The kids would laugh but not the teacher. She recommended we hold him back for maturity level. We did so. He went to stay with my mom and my step dad for the summer as a bit of summer school. My mom told me just recently that the whole summer he would tell my step-dad. I hate you, I wish you were dead. My former sister in law used to tell me he was overly aggressive. By 4th grade he was in a different school and was doing fairly well. I had seperated from his dad for the last time and for a while things seemed to be better for Bryan. He even made student of the month at school. Then some issues with his dad started to scare me and my mom offered me a job to move and live with her and get a fresh start. While it was an excellent move for me, it was hard for my son. At least three times in the next 3 years he would say "I should just kill myself" when he would get in trouble or fight with neighborhood kids. He is quick to make friends but has an aggressive, in your face, buck up against people personality. He is a self-proclaimed trash talker who loves Jackass type stuff and tells me , "Thats the way I roll mom". He also has very low self esteem and thinks he is ugly. Doesn't think he will ever marry or have kids. Wants to have sex but thinks the idea of french kissing is gross. He has problems with having his dad on a pedestal but being hurt by his dad not being there for him emotionally. I let my kiddo go stay with his dad for a year and half as I was at my wits end and my son needed his dad. My ex seemed to be more stable and as a kid I had been kept from my mother so I didn't want to do that to him. I hoped my ex would step up and be the dad that Bry needed but it didn't happen. When I could tell Bry was getting more depressed I brought him back home. My ex was adamant that Bryan didn't have any problems that needed handling. So it took me this long to finally get the guts up to push for it after the most recent episode around Christmas. When I grounded my kiddo and took away his playstation he said his life was over. He even told to me that kids who are unhappy did things like Columbine. That terrified me and forced me to take action for the sake of him and other kids. He did not look like he meant it, he looked like he was trying to get to me. He would also lash out to hurt me by tearing up pictures and cutting things up and stratigically placing them where I would see them. Things come and go. Some days they work, some days not so much. But ultimately I know this...I love him with all of my heart even when I don't like his behavior so much. And I want to help him grow.... I think I've got it all out now for the moment!