I agree with Malika, and this is one of those cases where a page from Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) techniques can cross all disability areas.
On occasions when he has done something to easy child, name calling for example, I have tried to tell him that if it were easy child doing it to him he would be having a fit about it and demanding apologies left and right. Why is it okay for him to do it to easy child and not have to say that he's sorry for it? His answer is always, "I would not care. He can call me names. It doesn't bother me." Really?
I feel that when they say, It doesn't bother me, some know it does but that is a defense, because in truth, they can't control it but they dont understand that, feel badly and cover up by acting tough---I dont care is used a lot around my home, and it is clear from when things settle down and a situation comes up where the things that he doesn't care about are desired....hmmmm all of a sudden he does care and it does bother him. Another thing is that in some cases it really doesn't bother them to a degree, depending on the situation and the kid.
Two other past discussions hit home for me, we had a recent discussion on this board about Theory of Mind. This is not a they have it or they dont idea. It is that it is often an impairment to some degree (and also depending on their emotional state, physical state, neurologically integrated state...) where they really don't register the other person's perspective. They may have the cognitive ability to learn about it, but they may not really "get" it at the needed moments. It is super super frustrating to live with but it may be a true disability skill issue. There are methods to work on these things, social skills training that includes social stories, groups where they practice these skills in games and real life activities with other kids, etc. Again, there are many resources through Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) teaching/therapy resources since this topic hits this population really hard. Of course it is part of many disability areas, just really BIG in the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) world.
I will share a PM I sent to another mom dealing with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) because we are having a discussion about some issues with our kids. I will not reveal her issue, just my general thoughts about my home and my experience, of course take it for what it is worth in your world, and I would be happy to hear other perspectives, I think this is a huge life skill area for our kids that can make or break their reaching their potential in the future. I dont think it is helpless, or hopeless....just that it does require direct teaching of the skills to help them. Kind of like expecting a kid to do calculus and being frustrated with them for not doing well even before we teach addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, algegra....etc.......(and when they know parts of the process we can't expect them to just generalize it without direct teaching).
... can they really control it? I think the answer is what frustrates all of the MOST. The answer is : sometimes. Sometimes, when things are not too overwhelming, they are not too tired, their medications are at peak operating time,they are physically well, nothing is upsetting them in addition to the issue at hand, it is not too urgent in their mind.... WELL, then they can access the brain neurons that allow them to see another person's perspective (with coaching probably) and to be a little more flexible, then they can make good choices. But in many Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids case, since the very nature of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) is that they have trouble seeing another side of things (only their own, not because they are selfish, because of the Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)) and when they get their rigid little minds onto something (again that IS Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)) it is actually VERY upsetting not to have things go the way it was laid out in their minds. In those cases I think it really is beyond their control. They need lots of comfort and coaching. But sometimes things have to go like they have to go, and so we need to push our agenda. Other times we are the only ones that CAN make a change in the situation. It means we have to really let it go, maybe even not get things done, skip family gatherings, leave things early, play a game we dont want to play, etc.
But our job is, when we are not in the MIDDLE of those stressful times, to help coach, teach, guide them to learn skills that will help them to be more flexible and socally understanding. That is my view, what is yours??
Remember, I was talking to another mom of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids and really looking through those glasses, but I think for those kids who have Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)-like traits and other issues that impair social abilities, it is very similar. (there is a wonderful dual certified teacher that long ago consulted for my son, she is like a crazy good teacher who ended up developing a program that is teaching through gentle approaches and strong advocacy in the districts she works in to get otehrs on board, she was the ONE person I ever saw mix EBD kids and Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids together in a beautiful supportive program for all of them, there are commonalities, it just takes the right person, right perspective to help support them and I am not her for sure. I believe she now just does consult, seminars, administrative kinds of things--it is often the good ones that leave our kids!).
This is a super question and I am willing to bet it hits a nerve for nearly all of us here. In each situation there are different causes and different abilities. But I would believe that most of them involve both the impulse control issue and the not being able to take another's persepctive/being very egocentric...both of which are in most of their full control. After the night I had last night, this is super relevant to my life. Thanks for bringing it up.