difficult child friend dies in car wreck

[Kjs]

OMG this is about the 9th death for difficult child in the past year and a half.

I posted last week about him riding with friends (he is younger than classmates) Then I found out that he is walking to the corner and friends are picking him up.

I was giving him a talk last Friday evening about not riding with inexperienced drivers, more than one in the car is illegal, and wearing seat belts. He swears he always does that...PLUS he admits to me that these kids get high (but not when they drive)

As I am giving the talk his phone rings. Friend died in wreck. I just looked at him and walked away. did not know details than. A few hours later his friends brother called him. They were in North Carolina heading back to Wisconsin from Spring break. Camper started to sway, dad lost control, friend was thrown out of the vehicle (dodge durango). he was crushed when the camper/vehicle flipped. Mom, dad, brother ok...sister has head injury. The story was known to everyone via cell phones and Myspace.
But the actual article appeared today in our local paper.

He read it today before school. NO SEATBELT!

This is just so many deaths. They are so young.

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh gosh...I am so sorry! I hate those campers. They scare me so bad when I drive near them because you can see them start to sway.

Where in NC did this happen? I just hate it when these type of accidents occur. I live right beside a major interstate and we see them all the time.

 

[Kjs]

This is what the paper says, The family was driving west on Interstate 40 in Asheville in a Dodge Durango at 1:30 p.m.

 

[Star*]

Kjs -

I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your sons friend. My prayers go out to you, & yours - and of course, that family.

But - be warned. Even though our Steven was driving wreckless his death didn't impact our Dude the way we thought it would. Maybe....in the back of our sons' minds they will keep this - but if your son has already lost 8 friends and is sneaking rides? - I have my doubts. Kids think at that age they are invincible and there is NO way to convince them otherwise.

It's all - it can't happen to me - you're a worrier Mom.....

I'm not sure what you could do - but lying to you about where he's going and how he's getting there have got to stop now.

Hugs
Star

 

[Jena]

I am so sorry to hear that, wow. How is difficult child taking it? it is so sad, and it is so many deaths.

sending difficult child hugs!!

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm so sorry, very sad.

 

[standswithcourage]

I am sad about it to. It always hits home especially whenyou have children that age. I am sorry for the loss.

 

[Kjs]

Most of the deaths were auto accidents. One was suicide. difficult child's anxiety is always that he is afraid he is going to die. Every pain. Won't take some prescriptions for fear of a bad reaction. Such as xanax.

He does call home when he is out with friends. Often. He will say, they are doing drugs and I don't want to be around them.

I do drug tests. I have some from Walgreens that once in a while I pop on him. When he has blood work done at the Doctors I ask him to do a drug test.

So far - everyone has been clean. And I know, that could change in a minute.

He is sporting a little fuzzy dark mustache these past few weeks. And we have gotten along worse than ever. Oil and water. I say white he says black. I say hello, he says good bye. I say homework - all heck breaks loose.
Is it puberty? When will his voice change? When will he grow? and am I now in for 4+ years of not getting along?

As far as his friend, he is very quiet. I believe he is thinking about it and his myspace says he is sad. Two of the High Schools had a moment of silence for the boy. He was a Freshman. difficult child's school did nothing. difficult child is in a very good relationship with one of his teachers. Stops by to talk about anything. She is also the Dean. (very small school). I told her he is upset about this, but don't know if he will talk or even what his thoughts are.
Some of the kids that have died these past 18 months were aquantinces.(sp?). Knew them from school, but not good friends. See them out and talk with them but nothing more. Some were friends he actually hung out with. Such as this one.

He is terrified of dying. But for some reason, not about getting into a car. I do not want to scare him to the point he is afraid to get in a car. Just to make good judgement. And he always can call me, dad or brother, or neighbors.

His anxiety seemed to be getting better. Until tonight. He said his entire right side is numb. Hasn't expressed feelings of dying much at all. However when I asked about feeling he is outside his body - he said that is still there.
He was taking 1/2 lexapro. Now after a month he is taking one whole pill. 10mg's.
do you think it is working?

 

[Marguerite]

He deffinitely needs a hug, if he will let you. It's OK to sympathise with him for the loss, but also to see it as a reminder that if only the boy had been wearing a seat belt, his family would not be grieving now.

We had to train our kids to wear seat belts, from the very start. Seat belt wearing is compulsory here, it costs a lot of money plus demerit points off our licence, if a passenger is not wearing a seat belt. A passenger not wearing a belt will lose the DRIVER demerit points, and the driver gets fined.

So for us - if a kid took off their seat belt, we stopped the car. DIdn't matter where, even in the clearway or on a freeway, we'd come to a screeching halt and not re-start until the seat belt was back on.
husband even does this to mother in law, if she takes her seat belt off early or fails to put it on. Some adults will just pull the belt across them to make it look like they're wearing it; you don't do that if husband is driving!

I strongly suspect he's not been wearing a seat belt even when he tells you he is; the other kids would be making fun of him over it, just as over here kids often make fun of kids who wear bike helmets (also compulsory for bike riders, here).

Maybe he will, now.

It's the age, it's the hormones, it's desperately wanting to belong to a group at any cost. He is taking a calculated risk and on one side, he has the risk. On the other side, he has the promise of belonging to a group of friends, as long as he does what they want him to.
I don't think you need to worry about drugs with him. Not now, probably not ever. But you need more than ever, to work on being his support and not his conscience. He is of an age now, to be developing his own conscience. He won't always make the right choices (he isn't now) but he needs your support to learn how to make the right choices. You can use his anxiety here asa tool - when he makes the right choices, he should feel less anxious. So keep in touch with what he does, ask him to rate his anxiety when he is in the car with his friends and he knows the car is overcrowded and they're not being safe.

Even worse than being killed, should be getting injured. Because if he's injured he will have to go to hospital and people there will medicate him (because they will need to) and he won't have much choice in the matter. Hospital is a place full of sick people, so your risk of getting sick from various diseases, is much higher. It is important to do your best to avoid going to hospital unless you have to. For someoneafraid of dying, an even bigger fear should be being afraid of not having control of your health and health choices. Being injured and unable to help yourself or even communicate, means that you could be locked in but unable to make your wishes known or complied with.

Is there any way he could be made to understand this? In a way that won't trigger a meltdown, of course. Because at the moment, he has to be thinking about this, at some level.

Marg

 

[Kjs]

I don't know how to stop worrying. I don't know how to not show him how much I worry. But since last week - I quit in making decisions as to where he goes. I have always been the bad guy, which leads to fights and "I hate you". husband always says, ask your mother. AFter the horrible day last week, I told everyone, I quit. I want nothing to do with difficult child. I clarified that a bit later, stating that I no longer will make decisions on where he goes and what he does, DAD will. However, I love you, and I worry about you. Just because I am not saying yes or no does not mean I don't want to know what you are doing.

husband just has never accepted the fact that difficult child would do anything wrong. I told husband that he lies, and now he is lying to his face and he believes him. REwarding him with sleepovers (not our house) and concerts(shows) is not right. Then husband jumps on me saying that I ASKED where he was and what he was doing so he doesn't want to make the decision because I will be mad. I again clarified it for him.

difficult child has a very close teacher/dean at school. I informed her of this situation. She I know gets through to him. Hopefully she can do it without letting him know I initiated this. He would be angry.

 

[ML]

I am so sorry. I don't have time to write more, running out to work but wanted you to know my thoughts are with difficult child and you. Hugs, ML

 

[Marguerite]

Kjs, we have a strong policy in this house that EVERY member of the household keeps everybody else informed as to where they are going, who they will be with and when they expect to be home. It's a rule for all, regardless of age or status. It's how we work together cooperatively, living under the same roof.

It's not only important for keepnig track of kids, but it's a way of working as a team to get jobs done. For example, if I'm already home and I know husband or someone is still out, I can contact them and ask them to pick up some milk on the way home. But if it's almost shop closing time and I know husband is still too far away, I know I'll need to go to the shop.

It's simply a matter of knowing, and working together.

Another example - difficult child 3 goes to visit his friend. There's a chance he will bring friend back home to play. So I plan accordingly, to have food available to feed two hungry boys, not just one. Not only that, but to have food available that friend likes. Because when difficult child 3 goes to visit friend, he often gets fed there. It's only fair for me to return the favour.
If difficult child 3 simply wandered in and out at any time and didn't tell me, I wouldn't know whether to have food ready or not. I might have lunch ready for him and go looking for him, to find he had gone out some time earlier, I don't know when. Very frustrating and frankly, a waste of food. It's also inconsiderate and rude.

It's interesting - while typing this, it's late on Wednesday night. difficult child 3 is heading for bed. he knows I'm going out tomorrow, he's already said he wants to stay home alone and not come out. But he's just given me the 3rd degree - when will I be leaving? What time do I expect to be home? He knows I'll be going to the mall at some stage too, so he will be careful to put anything he feels we need, on the shopping list.

When implementing this it's most important to make it clear - it goes for everybody under the roof and it's NOT checking up, it's simply keeping informed, for the sake of mutual benefit. If there's a pile-up on the highway and we all know that nobody in the house was anywhere near there, we can all relax.

There are other things you can do, to get the "we all live under the same roof so we all need to be a team" approach to communal living; it can help when nothing else seems to, when your child gets to the point where they feel they've outgrown parental supervision. If nothing else it will prepare your child for the day when he/she leaves home and begins to share accommodation with others. It involves treating your child more as an equal, but because there is still the cooperative living approach, there is still the chance of some parental guidance in camouflage.

Parenting teens is tough. Parenting teen difficult children is even tougher.

Marg