difficult child Lied Again and Now SO May be breaking up with-me

[Stella Johnson]

I'm shaking I'm so upset right now. :sad: The one good thing that has happened to me in years may be ending today.

difficult child stayed with her grandparents, my ex's parents this weekend. They dropped her off this afternoon with me at SO's house.

SO, grandpa , and Sabrina were in the backyard. I was inside with her grandmother. SO screamed for me to come outside. I didn't know what was going on.

SO tells me Sabrina told her gparents over the weekend that he beat her and was mean to her. SO asked Sabrina if she wanted to be at his house and she said no. Apparently before I got out there gpa threatened to kick SO's . :slap:

I told gpa that SO has NEVER touched difficult child. He thinks I am just taking up for SO. He stomped out of the house.

After they left SO told me to get difficult child and leave. I don't know what this means for us now.

difficult child told me when we got in the car that she was talking about when SO got mad at her for using a permanent marker to color on paper that bled through to the couch. The couch is a 30k couch his mother bought for him. So yes, he was mad but he didn't spank her or touch her. On top of this IT WAS OVER A YEAR AGO!

SO has been nothing but good to her. He has taken her on vacations, taken her to school in his convertible because she loves it, bought anything she needed. He's even paying for our health insurance since I got laid off. he's been helping us alot. He has bent over backwards to make her happy. He even set up a special bedroom for her at his house. :sad:

When we got home I spanked her in front of my mom so she couldnt say I "beat her". I grounded her until next Sunday. Every day this week she will be writing apology letters to SO.

My heart is breaking today.

Steph

 

[DDD]

I'm so sorry that she has caused problems again. I had hoped she
would have settled in with SO by now.

on the other hand, when did your Mom pop back up into your life? I thought
she was no longer allowed to be around difficult child.

Sending hugs and hope. DDD

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. I'm really sorry for all that happened. My best guess (not being psychic) is that maybe your daughter resents your SO, even if he was good to her--I know my kids never liked me with anyone. I think it is hard for anyone to commit to us when we have difficult children. Unfortunately, difficult child kids tend to cry "abuse" often, especially on, but not limited to, SOs and they can either accept the whole package or get out and, in my opinion, getting out is better, if they really can't handle it. It's a lot to handle. in my opinion one letter to him should be enough of an apology. Every day makes it seem like you're maybe using her to get him back and, if she isn't really remorseful, it's meaningless anyways.
I don't know much about your SO or your relationship with him, but it is unlikely that your child won't behave badly towards him again. If your GP actually believes her enough to call CPS...hopefully, it won't go there. Wish I had more advice, but my own experience was that even my easy child kids disliked other men with me so I mostly dated on "his weekends" until I became engaged. Even after the marriage, my hub had to put up with a lot from my kids, no matter how nice he tried to be. Hugs and I hope this gets resolved on all ends. I know it's hard.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, I'm so sorry.
I agree with-MM and daughter... what's going on with-the grandparents?... and surely, difficult child will pull this stunt again.
I hope that since you stuck up for your SO that he will realize it and call back once he has calmed down.
Perhaps emails are better right now?

 

[Suz]

Oh gosh, Steph. What on earth is it going to take for Sabrina to learn to tell the truth? on the other hand, Rob still lies to me and he's almost 23. I'm so sorry. I know how infuriating this is. ARGGHH!!!!

Suz

 

[ROE]

I'm so sorry for your heart ache. I've never been in this predicament so I have no words of wisdom. Hopefully, SO just needs a chance to cool down.

 

[Wiped Out]

I'm sorry-no advice but sending hugs and prayers your way.

 

[Hound dog]

Steph

I'm so sorry. I would've thought her jealousy over SO would've wained some by now.


Sending many gentle (((((hugs)))))

 

[smallworld]

Steph, I'm really sorry. This has to be a difficult situation for you to find yourself in.

I think the old analogy of how a child feels when a new sibling is brought home from the hospital holds true here. Imagine that you are married and your "husband" brings home a new "wife." He expects you to welcome her, care for her and love her right off the bat. But you feel intense jealousy because the new "wife" is taking attention and love away from you. This is how the child feels when a new sibling enters the picture, and I have to believe this is how Sabrina feels about SO, even though he has been in your life for quite a while. And I don't think it matters to Sabrina how much SO is doing for her -- in fact, she may even feel that he is trying to buy her love.

I honestly don't think spanking, grounding and writing apology letters for a week (although one heartfelt apology letter may go a long way in helping Sabrina understand that her actions can hurt others) is going to change the way Sabrina feels. She feels what she feels. But it's important to help her learn a less maladaptive way of dealing with her feelings than she's practicing now. I do think talking with her about her feelings and getting her into counseling may be a better route to take.

Sending many gentle hugs your way.

 

[timer lady]

I'm not saying that S doesn't need to learn but with the tweedles doing the same thing on a regular basis, I wonder if S struggles with her perception of life, events, etc.

I'm sorry that SO is considering this - I wonder about g'parents & what they are thinking. S, at the very least, is triangulating the adults in her life.

(((hugs)))) hope things work out.

 

[Sheila]

I'm so sorry Steph.

 

[busywend]

Hopefully, SO just needed a break from the chaos that I am sure difficult child brings when walking into the room (at least that is how it is with my difficult child).

Smallworld, thank you for your explanation. I never thought of it that way. I, too, have a difficult child that has trouble dealing with her feelings of me having a SO. It has been almost 5 years now. But, I never really thought of it or had it explained to be quite so clearly. Thanks!

 

[Sunlight]

Give it a few days and things will simmer down. if you and SO are truly in love, he will miss you and perhaps you both can better learn how to deal with handling your daughter as a team.

 

[mom_in_training]

I agree with the others, Give it a few days and let things cool off. I'm sorry that your difficult child lying. Not to hijack your post but another example was yesterday, I was at the ranch watching a lady with her five year old son that had asked if he could help in the stall so Mom tells him that she would appreciate it and asked if he could scoop the older food out of the big feeder that sits on the floor of the stall. Mean while Mom is raking and came a lil to close cathing his hand with the rake. This child screamed so bad you would have thought that he had just had his hand cut off. Geeze I was expecting the pouring of blood everywhere. Well his Dad runs over to see what happened to this lil guy and finds nothing but a screaming child and helps Mom calm him down. This child ends up following Dad to another stall and you could hear him telling his Dad that Mom did that on purpose because she did not want him in the stall helping at all. So young and already coniving was my thought along with wondering how long it would be before this child destroys a marriage making these kind of accusations at FIVE years old. Thats scarey..... and it could get worse. I hope everything works out for you and SO. Your difficult children accusations are very serious and as others have said she needs to learn how to better deal with her feelings in a positive way. Your SO I would imagine feels threatened by these serious accusations that can get him in allot of trouble. I know I would feel threatened by it.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{Steph}}} So sorry. How are you feeling today?

 

[Stella Johnson]

DDD,
I had also hoped she would have gotten past this by now too.
Grandma has stabilized or as stable as she is going to get. She gets to see Sabrina supervised.

Midwestmom,
I don't think Grandpa will call CPS. He knows they are worthless anyway. I'm hoping SO sticks with us. He has been great to both of us.

Suz,
I think sometimes difficult child gets caught up in her need for ppl to feel sorry for her. She has pulled this with neighbors, friends, school, you name it.

smallworld,
I grounded her this time because she has done this so many times. She has gone to school claiming to have been beaten. CPS has been here more times than I can count. She has done the same with neighbors. Nothing else has gotten through to her. Hopefully this will. We have been in and out of counseling for 6 years. Talking about her feelings only works for a few days then it's back to the same.
SO really isn't new. We have been together for two years.

Timerlady,
I wonder sometimes too if she really understands what she is saying. I'm not sure. I know that when she accused ex roommate of the same thing she told me she did it because she wants her to go away. She knows this can make ppl go away. That's the only thing that makes me think she does know what she's doing. She doesn't make these allegations about other ppl to me but does it to others that she knows will fall for it.

momintraining,
That little boy sounds like my difficult child.

JoG,
We talked last night and I went to his house to watch the last Soprano's episode. He has calmed down. He knows what difficult child is trying to do. It almost worked. I think he is leary of getting close to difficult child again. I can't blame him there. :frown:

steph