difficult child may be headed back to prison...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Sep 11, 2013.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi all,
    It's been awhile since I've posted an update on difficult child.

    As you all may remember we gave difficult child a timeframe to leave our home and he did leave on the expected date.
    Since then he has lived in motels and more recently is actually living at his mother in law's home with his wife and children.

    He quit his job with his brother a few weeks ago and has been working for a similar company that knew difficult child from work with his brother.
    Last Friday, difficult child bottomed out a company van in another town where he had been working the week. His brother was in the office at fellow company and told them if it were him he would leave difficult child there.
    The company flew difficult child back home and difficult child has been very upset about his brother's comments...understandably. But, husband and I have advised him NOT to bring up personal problems at work. I don't think difficult child is listening though...

    Last night, difficult child told me that a few nights ago he dropped off building plans in another town and came back home to mother in law's where his wife accused him of drinking or drugging. He said that he was not. He also said he is about to be homeless because he doesn't get a check until Friday and then went on to tell me that he texted someone in charge from work and told them that he may need to put in his 2 weeks notice as he may be homeless soon.

    I got pretty upset with him for telling someone from work that he may be homeless soon and that he may need to put in 2 weeks notice. I told him that was rediculous. I also reminded him of what his dad says...Paraphrasing, "Don't **** where you eat".

    When I told him that it sounds like he is putting himself back in prison he told me "Well at least there I have 3 squares and sober living". I told him he was Better than That! And then, I was so upset I had to get off the phone.

    I am anxious. Feeling disturbed. Feeling like I have run out of the right words to say to difficult child. Like I have said all there is to say...and done all there is to do.

    Honestly, I am just tired of it all.
    I don't know what will happen next but it does appear that difficult child is sabotaging his living conditions and job...next stop...may be prison again.
    So sad.

  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry Tammy. Sending prayers and hugs...........
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry as well. As an ex-difficult child I know that difficult children tend not to listen to smart advice. I didn't. It was almost like I couldn't hear it. It didn't penetrate or it went in one ear and out the other because I was telling myself "It won't work." I think this is a big reason why difficult children get into so much trouble.

    I have no answers as to what you could possibly say to him. I don't think words will help. I hope that he doesn't go to prison or become homeless but, if either happens, I hope it's the kick in the tail that some difficult children need to decide to change their lives around.

    Lots of love and hugs...and empathy.
  4. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    recoveringenabler and Midwestmom,
    Thank you both for caring.

    Midwestmom, Yes it does seem as though what I have to say makes no difference...sigh, but I often feel like I am his only friend.

    Just spoke with daughter in law and she believes difficult child has been drinking/drugging. She said she and her mom are waiting to receive money difficult child promised them for living there this week on Friday. But after Friday he will have to find somewhere else to live as daughter in law said she is tired of the migraines and arguements. I understand.

    The other night difficult child tried to make me responsible for he and his brothers relationship. I don't know what more I could have done for them growing up. They were best buddies when they were little. But now, they can't stand one another. I am tired of being blamed for his 24 year old problems.

    And the other thing daughter in law mentioned was just how incredibly ungrateful difficult child is...That he does not see that they have provided Food, Housing, Laundry, Cigs, Gas in his truck etc. It is the same with us...we bought him the truck he has, took him to AA meetings/parole appointments when he was first released from prison in Decemeber, gave him a place to live rent free, all for not it seems.

    It's never enough with an addict. Oh, and everyone else is to blame.
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I have told Ant that it is his choice how he lives and he also at one point told me that prison was easier than real life. (I know that wasn't true, but it is so like him to say stuff like that when discouraged. ) I told Ant that I have a choice of how I live my life, too. He is never allowed to live with me and expected to sink or swim on his own. he doesn't like that concept, but I figure that one day I will be dead and Ant will be on his own anyway so he might as well learn now that his safety net has been removed. It makes him mad at me but he does do better when pushed to the wall and has to fend for himself.

    Once they have been in prison, there is always that cloud hanging over that you hope they do not regress. The whole experience brings pain to the extended family as well.

    You truly have said all there is to say to your son. Everyone is trying harder than he is to make a better life for him. It is sad and I am sorry for his choices that bring you this sadness. Even so, you deserve a peaceful life. May God intervene in his life. He is an adult, take care of you. ((HUGS))
  6. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I've missed you SO MUCH. I wish you would stick around. Your insight is truly a blessing.

    The "sink or swim" thing is what I think husband and I are trying to say now. His wife is still learning "the ropes". But she's getting closer. I hope difficult child wakes up like your Ant...and figures out how to take care of self.

    by the way, how old is your grandson now? Ant is 30 (read on Deb's thread) that's amazing!
    Is Ant married? Does he have more children? How are you and your husband doing?

    Did you know my difficult child son's have given me 6 grandchildren! Oldest difficult child and his wife just had their 3rd baby girl a week ago. The grandchildren make it all worth it don't they.

    Hugs and great to see you!
  7. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    I'm so sorry. :( Which son is this?
  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    LOL Tammy...I spent a lot of time here...joined when Ant was only 16...about 1999. Then we had a board glitch and we all got the same start year. lmao! Ant has not been arrested for over 7 years. A record in getting records, if you get my drift. When he was under 18, I had to get in there and fight for and against him depending on the situation. Once he turned 18, I felt I had done all I could. He knows right from wrong. He turned into an adult and like I always say, he never listened to a word I said from the time he was born.

    I have to say, that the person who changed first was me. I was sad- then mad- then determined that I could have a better life. I could not let his choices determine my mood du jour. Gosh it was a painful journey. In any case, we all know they can slip back into misery at an impulsive moment...but we have to be ready to be stronger ourselves. While he was in jails/and then prison...I learned to let go more, with the help and support of other prisoners' parents, and my faith.

    I am not married...so no husband. LOL I am still with the same boyfriend of 9 yrs and we got engaged last month. He bought me a chocolate and vanilla diamond ring and proposed. BUT I did not say yes. LMAO! I am still scared to marry but we have lived together 5 yrs. He is ok with it, and I said maybe when I turn 70, we will marry...that will give me more time to mull it over. LOL

    I know you think that you are your son's last friend, but I betcha he still can find others to give him sympathy and let him live as he pleases. I used to think that I was all that Ant had, but then....what good was that??? I had to make him know that NO ONE would put up with his **** or if someone would...it wasn't me.

    He is still gets on my last nerve at times, but he does not live with me, and if I don't want to answer his call, I don't and he texts. LOL

    He does have four beautiful kids. His oldest son is 9, I raised him til he was 5, that mom is not involved. Ant has full sole custody of him now, but I keep him all summer and overnight once a week during the school year too. I see him a ton because they bought a house not far from me.

    He has two other boys age 5 and 1, and a lil girl with long dark hair who is almost 3. I love them all and am close to all 4 kids (three different moms). He is married to the mom of the 3 yr and one yr olds...and I love her too. Ant actually went to grade school with her. Three of his kids live with them. Complicated, huh? His sons are all so pleasant and sweet, but the lil girl is a dynamo and mindofherown type person...am betting that she is the one who will give him a taste of his own medicine. Ant works daily and they have friends and socialize, go camping, he golfs. As *normal* as ant gets.

    If he screws up, I am only there for the grandkids and his wife, not him and he knows it. Sounds harsh but he has to know that I chose to not live in chaos 24/7 like I used to.

    How lovely that you have 6 grandkids! Congrats on the newest baby girl!! I love to be called "Nunny" and take them all to the park. Great to chat with you as well!
  9. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow...7 years, THAT really IS a good record for Mr Ant!!!

    Sorry I had forgotten that you were not remarried...and really little surprise if my memory serves me well. As I recall ex was not the nicest of people. I am just glad you are so happy now.

    You sound like such a good grandma too! I totally get having a good relationship with your daughter in law. I have one (Young difficult child's wife) that I absolutely adore. She and I are actually very good friends.
    I wish I could say the same about the relationship between my oldest difficult child's wife and I.
    I still have yet to meet my new granddaughter...and It's been almost 2 weeks. Am waiting for other's to work out date/time.
    It was nice to chat with you too! Hugs.

    The son I am referring to in my post is my younger son...he is the middle child.

    Younger difficult child did pay his mother in law for letting him stay a week at her house.
    He sounded good this morning when I spoke to him...sigh, but you never know what's going to happen next!

    Time will tell.
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tammy Im sorry younger difficult child seems to be self sabotaging himself. They really seem good at that dont they? Even being my difficult child self I dont understand it. I have always had a sense of self preservation that either kept me from doing really stupid things or I was very good at what I did so I didnt get caught...lol. I think boys are simply more out there with their behaviors and girls are more sneaky and manipulative.
  11. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I couldn't agree more, Janet.
    I don't understand it either. Except that I think the pull that drugs/alcohol have on my young difficult child is VERY strong.
    Drugs take hold of difficult child and everything else unravels.

    He claims he has been sober around a month (due to not being able to afford his opiates...which he says are his drug of choice) I am not sure I believe it.

    He got paid yesterday and gave his mother in law 300 for a weeks stay and gas for his truck. From what I understand, he will be staying the next 2 weeks at mother in law's as well and is expected to pay her another 300 in 2 weeks.
    We will see if money in his pocket is too much a temptation. The next 2 weeks are going to keep me on edge.

    On a positive note...I do not heare suicidal ideation even in his desperate moments these days.

    Thanks all for caring,
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hugs, LMS. I'm sorry things are not going as well as hoped for but I think "loose lips sink ships" is a fit motto for AS difficult child's. As soon as I read his comments I started to shake my head. If it's running through his head it is likely going to be said aloud. There is a monitoring segment missing in AS brains...in my experience. I'm glad he came thru with mother in law as my hopes are that being around the children "may" make him feel more connected.

    Had to smile at Ant's Mom. Oh my goodness you have no idea how wild his antics were back in the 90's. Many of us stayed up all night to offer support as Ant would take off "on the run" with no money, no appropriate clothes and cross multiple State lines. At least a dozen of us or more lost sleep over that difficult child. His choices made our difficult children seem like PCs. by the way, he was never violent just determined that he was going to do what he was going to do when he wanted to do it. Yikes. When he eventually got his act together it provided proof that there is reason to hang on to hope.

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers, my friend. DDD
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you always for the support and prayers, DDD.

    Well, things are unraveling quickly now.
    Young difficult child's wife just found an Oxycontin in her bed went she went to lay down their littlest baby girl who is 15 months old.
    Young difficult child is of course denying that he bought the drug and is trying to claim he found it in a pill bottle at her house. Oh, and he was out til 1am this morning and kept daughter in law up til 3:30am...daughter in law is beside herself. They just had me on speaker phone listening to each "side".
    And...to top it off, young difficult child only has $400 left out of the $1200 he got paid yesterday.

    Not sure what is going to happen next. I told young difficult child that it sounds like he is experiencing the "day after" drug use and now there are consequences to pay.

    I'm so tired of this.
  14. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Just looked at my phone and received this text from young difficult child.

    "Im quitting my job and going back to prison.
    I'm giving wife all of my money.
    I'm going to tell Ms (parole officer) I have been sober.
    But I have lied and used drugs and alcohol violating my parole.
    Goodbye mom I'm doing this Monday."

    How incredibly sad. My heart hurts.
  15. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member

    Warm hugs sweet friend. It's his choice Tammy. He knows how to survive and make things right. You're right, the drugs have got a huge hold on him. I only wish the best for all of you. Know that I always keep you in prayer. Hang in there.
  16. comatheart

    comatheart Active Member

    Oh I'm so, so sorry. :(
  17. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Hugs Tammy xoxo
  18. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I am so, so sorry... :(
  19. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Tammy, I am so very sorry. I know how much hope you had for him and this must be a crushing blow..........saying a prayer for your young difficult child, that he finds his own way to health and fulfillment............and gentle hugs for you Mom.............
  20. Hopeless

    Hopeless ....Hopeful Now

    I am so sorry. Sending cyber hugs to you and thoughts of prayers for all if you.