difficult child wants our help again

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Nancy, Oct 4, 2012.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    difficult child has taken on a roommate. He's a friend of her neighbor's, a guy who happens to be gay. I could care less about the gay part except that if it involves difficult child it's certain to be an issue of a different kid. Anyway the reason she is supposedly taking on a roommate is to help with the expenses because we have had to pay her utilities and part of her rent because she has no funds. Trust me it's in our self interest to help and so far the cost has been minimal (she is living in a very low rent district).

    Anyway she called last night to ask if I would let her roommate have the futon we have in our basement for his bed. I was caught off guard but said I wasn't comfortable with that and asked why he didn't have a bed. The conversation went something like this: Where is he living now?...with his parents. Doesn't he have a bed there?...I don't know he sleeps on the couch. How could he not have a bed at his parents?...I don't know he was away at college and then came home. If he went to college why is he working at Taco Bell?...I don't know. Why doesn't he buy a bed?...this is stupid mom why can't he have it. Because I'm not comfortable giving some guy you just met our furniture and if he can't afford to buy a bed how can he afford to pay half living expenses?...OMG Mom what do you think he's going to do with it? I'll talk to you tomorrow about it, I have to talk to Dad but I'm not comfortable with it...hang up.

    So I emailed her this morning and told her after thinking about it and talking to her dad we decided we were not comfortable giving some stranger our furniture when it is apparent she has not thought this roommate thing through and it appears as though she is just giving someone a place to stay who is not bringing anything into the deal. All her furniture and kitchen and bath supplies and utensils we bought or gave her and we are not supporting someone else too. I then told her that I expected she would not have to ask us for utility or rent help since that is why she is taking on a roommate and if he is in no position to buy a bed he is in no position to help with expenses.

  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    They need to check Craigslist.org - people give away beds all the time as well as lots of other furniture for free...
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG good idea, she uses craigslist to find men she can use it for that!
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    You don't even want to know what my difficult child has thought of doing for a "job"....posing on the internet!! Honestly, I regret even having the contact with her again. It does me NO good...all I do is worry about her 24/7 again. :(
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, Nancy. I swear they all think alike. My difficult child's answer to something I say that she doesn't like is "that is stupid, mom", too.

    It could be that she just told him that there was an extra bed at her parent's house so she would get it for him. My difficult child volunteers us for things all of the time. I bet he will find a bed if you stand firm.

    You are right about worrying about whether he will be responsible for paying his share of the bills.

    As far as getting used bedding from Craigslist . . . ewwww. I would be worried about bedbugs.

    Last edited: Oct 4, 2012
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You did good! Don't you hate the vagueness of a difficult child conversation? It is like pulling teeth to get a full set of information.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Kathy I'm worried about used bedding almost as much as I'm worried about what he will he using our futon mattress for......ewwwww!

    And yes busy I hate the vagueness. I don't even know why I bother to ask anything.

  8. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Nancy - I think you did well... its bad enough we help out our difficult children but it burns me a little when I find out we are also helping thier no good friends!!! And yeah my thought was if you give him the futon you would never want it back, so only give it if you are trying to get rid of it!!!

    The logic of our difficult children is totally beyond me sometimes. At least she is thinking about how she will pay her bills... time will tell if she actually does something about it.

  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Good job, Nancy. As I was reading your post it dawned on me...all of us live in aomse blankin' Twiglight Zone episode and can't find our way out...Yikes. I miss normal. DDD
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Good job Nancy. You're always level headed and your instincts are right on.

    DDD, geez, stuck inside an episode of the Twilight Zone, how fitting is that!
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL I have often said that I felt like I was in Twilight Zone....doo doo doo doo.

  12. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Good job nancy,

    That don't want us (until they want something)
    They don't need us (until they need something)
    We're their problem ( until we can solve a problem)

    I am all for doing the small things you would do anyway- but extraordinary things like your furniture for a friend of a friend? No way

    Our kids have this weird entitlement mojo - they owe us NOTHING - not even a modicum of courtesy- yet what's ours is theirs.

  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Yes, Sig, I agree. And they usually have infinite tolerance for whack-jobs, but none for us.
  14. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is so true!!!
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The entitlement thing is one I have pondered for years. Even as a teen I couldn't figure out why my gfgbro thought my parents 'owed' him whatever it was that he wanted from them at the time. Why your daughter would think that it was perfectly fine to ask you to give away the furniture in your home so that some guy who she wants to have move in with her will have a bed escapes me. Why would you CARE what the guy sleeps on? Why would you give away your household furniture to anyone? Surely if it is in your home then you bought it because you wanted it. What are you supposed to sit on or lay on in that room if you give away the futon? Why doesn't she just ask you for a few hundred bucks to buy the guy a bed? Same thing, isn't it?

    You did an AWESOME job of refusing. It isn't easy to refuse, esp when they decide to really pressure you about it. I am sorry that she thinks your home is freecycle and that she can have or give away any of your possessions that she wants.