difficult child went to court yesterday...not good

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by rejectedmom, Oct 18, 2011.

  1. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    He got seven years. He can get out in 3.5 on good behavior but I am not hopful of that. He has never been able to maintain staying out of trouble while on probation in the past. He will be sent to the state penitary in the state in which he was charged. (not mine) Right now I am numb. Not sure I will ever be anything else. I expected this but he and husband and his sibs did not. I did because this is his second assult resulting in a broken bone.

    He is not a hardened crimminal yet, though that may now change. I hope not. He still has a very soft and vulnerable side to him but has these meltdowns that end up very badly. Not an an excuse just a fact.

    I couldn't even tell him that I was sorry for him. I just said that I hope he can behave and get out in the shortest amount of time. I was not a comfort to him and I feel bad about that.

    I honestly do not think he will survive this long of an incarceration. While I hope he will and get himslef straightend out as a result, in my heart I have much doubt. He is too mentally fragile and I am afraid the next time I see my son he will be in a box. -RM
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2011
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Oh I am so sorry...
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I am so so sorry! My 17 y/o son is currently going down the same path. Running away from Residential Treatment Center (RTC)'s, getting in trouble, etc. I have a feeling that this is what the future will hold for him also if he doesn't straighten himself out.

    Like I said, I'm so sorry you're going through this!!! I can't imagine how you must feel! Big ((((((hugs))))))!
  4. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    HUGE supportive hugs coming your way. I remember that you anticipated it would be bad and I'm so sorry that you were correct. In Florida "the system" uses an intake and evaluation center as the first stop before transfer to a prison. Each person is evaluated for mental health status and evidently quite carefully sorted into categories based on past violence etc. Obviously this is not aimed at helping the inmates so much as it is to help the system place people in the environment that is least restrictive and requires the most limited staffing. They have a level system that is used. My hope is that they will identify your difficult child appropriately.

    Whether that gives you any comfort or not I don't know. When the Prosecutor's wanted to send our former easy child/difficult child to prison, as you may recall, I was literally sick with fear. Til the day I die I'll never understand why he fought so hard to send him there for having a few pills in his unoccupied car and with no violent history but it was slightly reassuring to know that he would not be housed with murderers etc. Luckily for our family I was able to fight it in Court and we did not have to live with the reality. I'm truly saddened by your circumstances and will pray that difficult child will be placed properly and "maybe" come out as a more mature less impulsive man. Many hugs. DDD
  5. beachbeanb

    beachbeanb New Member

    I am so sorry...know that you are not alone. The whole can't vs won't thing is tearing us up also.....I have no idea if my difficult child can't make good choices or just won't because he is spoiled, self centered and immature....there is no test for that. Hang in there.
  6. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm so sorry. Maybe the time incarcerated will give him the time he needs to grow up and have his brain mature. I can think of several people off the top of my head that were not hardened criminals but got significant sentences due to their inability to clear parole and the extended time in prison actually helped and they came out more mature, with college credits and far more ready to engage in the necessary therapy and AA/NA support that they were before they went in. I hope your son has as good an outcome as these (now) stable, employed adults.
  7. Chaosuncontained

    Chaosuncontained New Member

    Oh my. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. My son is only 9--but this is my worst nightmare. That his short temper and agression will cause him to go way too far one day. My heart aches for you. And for him.
  8. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending hugs RM. I'm so sorry.
  9. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm so sorry :consoling:
  10. confuzzled

    confuzzled Member

    i'm so sorry for all of you.
  11. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you everyone. The sadness has settled in. It is actually making me nauseous. I will be working really hard on pushing through it. I am not going to let it rob me of my happiness with the good things in my life. If I can't keep it at bay, then I will seek out help. I have learned from past difficult child trauma to get help when it is overwhelming.

    I spent the day with my youngest grandson and we had a wonderful time but as soon as it was over the sadness swooped back in. It helps to know all of you are here and understand what this might be like for me. I haven't told my other children yet. I am not sure if I'm going to. We have alot of family events comming up that difficult child wasn't going to make anyway so will probably just leave it be for a while unless pressed.

    DDD, I am unsure of what the system is like in the state he is in. He had a juvie record there that probably weighed in on the sentencing. That along with his faliure to show on two occasions and the previous convictions in my state probably sealed the deal. difficult child is scary on paper. I do not think that his mental health was even brought into the picture. I think they just saw what they felt was blatant disregard for the law and the court and threw the book at him. Honestly I have no problem with that. He has to learn that he cannot go around hitting people and ignoring the rules of the system. If this sentance means he can get himself straightened out and also get training for an after-prison life I can find peace in that.

    He told me previously that there was a possibility he would be sent to a laundry facility near where we used to live. I do not know if that is still a possibility. I think it might be an appropriate setting for him though. At least he wouldn't just be sitting in a cell doing nothing. -RM
  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I am so sorry for you. HUGS and Prayers.
  13. shellyd67

    shellyd67 Active Member

    Sending gentle hugs ... I am so sorry ...
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You are living my worst nightmare - my heart and love go out to you as only a mom of a difficult child can....I wish I could say something that could make it better, but I know I can't. I can only pray that only the best happens for him.

    If it is any consolation my X was 6' and about 130lbs when he went to prison. Just a skinny wimpy guy with a nasty nasty temper. He figured out things really quickly in order to stay alive - and oddly despite his size he was able to defend himself - and his temper was not a problem because I think he feared he would die if he acted on it. It is amazing how the consequence of death scares people straight. I hope it is the same for your son. He also learned a ton of job skills, can't remember now what ones, but it was in Texas and so they always had him in a grain factory, or something.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    RM I think the "not knowing" must be the most difficult part. I expect it will be a few months (if they do intake assessments) before you will know what his status is going to be. Obviously there is nothing you can do to influence the system at this point but I am hoping and praying that he is appropriately placed. I don't know his social skills set but if he has dealt with juvie and now jail he likely has the survival skills to make the best out of whatever comes. At least he grasps the basic rules of incarceration and isn't going in blind.

    Geez, that sounds awful now I reread what I typed. I don't mean it to be so negative. on the other hand difficult child's do adapt to their environment and in this case I'm hoping that it will alleviate some of your fears. The sense of loss?? That's another issue altogether but I know you will work through the process and give your best shot at enjoying the good parts of your life. You're a bright, caring woman. You can do it. Meanwhile we will all be here for you always. Hugs. DDD
  16. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Thank you all for the hugs and support. I'm glad you are here. -RM
  17. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    So sorry to hear that but....you're not alone. I'm in roughly the same boat. My difficult child was sentenced this past February but will be out sooner than yours. However, the facility my difficult child is in has a "theraputic" side to it. From what I understand, that side is mostly for drug/alcohol rehab but I think it's also used to house kids like ours. It's not a cake walk but at the same time, it's not nearly as bad as general population. When he was first transferred from the county jail, he spent a few weeks at our state's reception/diagnostic center. There he was, I'm assuming, tested/interviewed to determine where he would be placed within the system. I would assume that all states have this process so I would also assume (or hope) that your difficult child will have a similar experience.

    Also, while I haven't used it, I found an online board similar to this one except it is for family/loved ones of inmates at that facility. When you are up to it, and you know where he is sent, you can google the facility to see if there is something like that.

    It's scary and heartwrenching but it is what it is. We have done everything we could to help our kids but in the end, they are the ones who have put themselves in this situation. Mine tells me everytime he calls that he realizes what he messed up. Whether or not that is the truth and will actually stick once he gets out....who knows. But....it will be up to them.

    Hugs to you all.
  18. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am so sorry!!! I do have a success story, though. I have an ex boyfriend that was so difficult child it was unbelievable. His dad's apartment was burned down by a spurned drug dealer at one time. Anyhow, he finally was sent to prison and while in there he completely changed his life around!!! He is now a very buff, successful personal trainer and I am still in disbelief when I see him on Facebook. I pray you have a success story, too!!
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Mustang, thank you for the advice. I will look into the facility when he is assigned. I am sorry for your pain also. Who would have thought when we adopted these kids things would end up like this? (sigh)

    PatriotsG, I doubt my son will ever be a personal trainer but I do love a sucess story.
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry and will keep him in my prayers. It's a worry I always have about difficult child and his future. Gentle hugs to you.