difficult child's perspective one year later

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Dec 1, 2011.

  1. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I met difficult child at the mall Tuesday. It was her day off and we planned this day to spend together. We shopped, I bought her a sweater dress to wear to our extended family Christmas on Dec 10. It looked adorable on her and was on sale for $19 at Macy's with my coupons. She showed me a purse she wanted, also very reasonably priced and on sale and a couple things for Christmas. I talked about how she was now an adult and the time when she got fun things for Christmas to play with were gone and now she got things she needed for herself or her apartment. So while she still looked at frivolous items she seemed to accept that she wasn't going to get them.

    On the way out she said "well at least this year easy child isn't going to find out on the day before Christmas that I stole her credit card and got a tatoo." She said it with such sincerity and yet it was a lighthearted moment and we both laughed until we cried. I told her that was an awful time in our lives and I was so glad this year was better.

    difficult child is still living with her sober friend and has a good group of sober people around her. I wish she had more women friends, she is so vulnerable to men who show her attention. She has been at her new job for three weeks now and gets her first paycheck today. That's good because she has to pay her rent. Her car was towed again Monday because she was parked on the main street in rush hour. There is literally no parking around the apartment and the police use this as a money making scheme, waiting until 7am every morning with tow truck behind them. I wish she would find a place with parking but at least it's safe and she has a good roommate. But that cost us another $120 to help her get the car out so she could go to work.

    So as far as we can tell right now things are going well. I dont snoop much anymore. I let her take her laptop with her after thanksgiving so I can't see much other than what she writes on her wall, and I don't even look at her cell phone calls anymore. She was pleasant on Thanksgiving and we enjoyed her company.

    I'm not saying everything is perfect. She did take the $50 grocery store gift card we gave her and turn it into a debit card and buy boots at the mall and then lied about it after I found the activation slip in her car. But she did try to return the boots and finally confessed. She still has a big problem with impulse control and lying. She would use her last dollar to buy something she saw that she just had to have rather than put food on her table. I suggested she work on the truth telling with her sponsor. But she is sober and she is working and she is pleasant to us. A far cry from last year.

  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Nancy... Just reading this post brought tears to my eyes... Things are so much better than they were... Not perfect, of course, but it seems she is making an effort. :hugs: for you, husband, easy child, and definitely difficult child!
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    It sounds like a lovely day w a lovely young woman. So happy for you both
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Nancy what a lovely outing you two shared. :)

    About the impulse buying........that can take years to relearn. I think it's huge that she recognizes she does it and admits it, and attempted to correct it.

    easy child used to be as horrible as husband on impulse buying, especially right out of nursing school when their income took a dramatic increase. She kept her bills paid and more than plenty of food in the house ect, but still I worried because impulse buying like that becomes a way of life after so much time has passed. In the past 6 months after her accident I've watched this take a dramatic turn for the better. She finally saw just how severe her impulse buying was, how much of their budget it took up, and it shocked her. She still does it occasionally, but most of her purchases these days are well planned out. husband eventually got better due to really rough times when his impulse buying would mean going hungry or maybe doing without lights.

    A very positive update. difficult child's feet are still on the right path. And you don't get better all at once, but she's still trying. Makes me just smile from ear to ear.

  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    So glad you got to have a wonderful day with your difficult child. Sounds like she is on the right path. I am happy for you!
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Bless her heart working so hard on her integrity etc. I bet you are proud of that.

    Is there any corellation between chem. dependency and shopping addiction? Could she be at risk for that? Just the gift card thing made me think of that. My sister's main symptom when she is having a mood swing is impulse shopping. Poor thing, she really suffers through that. I dont know enough about addiction. So ignore this if it is a non issue.
  7. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Very encouraging update. I'm still rootin' for you all. DDD
  8. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Such a great update! I'm happy for both of you.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Impulse control with money is very hard for people with bipolar or mood issues. I struggle horribly with it. I couldnt be trusted with the bill money for years. Even now I dont keep all the money in my control at one time. I have my check and Tony has his money and he gives me the money for the bills and I pay them.
  10. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Such a heartwarming story. She's come a long way. Congratulations to both of you!
  11. Mrs.McNear51

    Mrs.McNear51 Member

    Wonderful, wonderful post Nancy. I am estatic for you and for her. Hopefully, one day I can post the same.


  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Nancy, she really sounds like she is on the right road. I pray that it continues.

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nancy...she is doing great. I don't know her, but I'm proud of her anyway...lol. She reminds of my daughter when she started making good choices. Wow, you did a magnificent job with her. She is coming around to embracing your values and seems like one of our CD kids who will make it. Stories like these make me happy :)
  14. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you everyone. I am guardedly hopeful. I still worry everytime the phone rings or I get a text and I see it's her. I don't think we are out of the woods yet, but for today, for now, she seems to be doing the next right thing. I think we all know that can change very quickly but each day she moves forward is one day further she moves from the past.

  15. pepperidge

    pepperidge New Member

    Baby steps forward....look at it this way, brain development is in her favor in that her exec functioning probably still has a way to go to develop. Keeping herself moving forward on pretty much the right path gives that brain a little more time to develop. I can't help but think that all these positive experiences and doing things on her own are building some positive core inside of her that will be there when she needs it or takes a step backward. Guarded optimism sounds about right, hard not to be hopeful but you know the downsides too.

    what a terrible journey you all have been on. hope that the Christmas season is joyful for you all.
  16. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Many positives. Seems (crossing fingers) she is learning life lessons....in baby steps...but nevertheless learning and going in the right direction.
    What a breakthrough that she recognizes how much it hurt the family to discover her inappropriate behaviors particularly right before Christmas!
    Was the grocery card incident recent? I didn't even know that was possible with a grocery card.
    Very glad to hear that you have reduced your "snooping" as you call it.
    Overall...sounds like she is beginning to show empathy and your relationship is beginning to heal. What a blessing. Fingers crossed/prayers said.
  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs Nancy.
  18. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    How absolutely wonderful!

  19. jinger

    jinger Guest

    Nancy, you should be proud of yourself too. You can accept your girl now where she is at the moment, enjoy her company, assist her without enabling, and maintain your distance. That shows real growth from where you used to be as well! I salute you and your daughter and hope for good days ahead.