Do you ever feel like your difficult child's issues have created mental health issues in yourself

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
Let's just say the nonstop chaos of tweedles dee & dum have forced my hand to make wildly different choices in order to survive.

My depression & anxiety is through the roof. I have to say that I was a much happier, more social lady before the tweedles.
 

flutterby96

New Member
I was diagnosis with MDD by the same psychiatrist/same time that diagnosis Tuna with ODD 3 years ago... I've always known that I was more prone to bouts of depression, but I seem to have persisted in a depressive state for the past 3 years. And, I definitely think that it's largely due to the stress of dealing with my difficult child. Although, there are days that my easy child makes me think I should change my name & move to Tijuana! he he he (-:
 

hearts and roses

Mind Reader
Dealing with difficult child's issues over the years has definitely created more stress, anxiety and depression in my life, my relationships with easy child and H. It has affected all of us on some level. I may have already had anxiety issues, but they were most definitely kicked into high gear when gfh's issues kicked into high gear as well.

Anti-anxiety and anti-depression medications seemed to have helped somewhat over the years, but nother beats having the house to myself for some R & R...aka peace and quiet, aloneness, tranquility. However, that said, I do believe that I will never be the same as I was pre-difficult child, which in some ways is okay because I've learned a lot about myself and other parents.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
No, why do you ask?
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:tongue:
(repeat)
seriously.............
No, why do you ask?
 

crazymama30

Active Member
In my case, a resounding yes. I was dealing ok for the most part untill husband ramped things up.

I am fortunate that difficult child's psychiatrist and husband's psychiatrist have at different times inquired to how was I doing, could they do anything to help? At the time, when I needed the help the most I was unable to ask. Thankfully my therapist pushed me to get help, even offering to make an appointment for me. I emailed difficult child's psychiatrist to ask if he would see me (emailed in the afternoon) and he had his secretary call me the next morning to set up an appointment in that same week.

I had first tried husband's psychiatrist, but his earliest appointment was 3 weeks out, and husband had to be ok with me seeing him. husband was not---said that if "they" new we were both "crazy" and on medications then "they" could lock us both up and then what would happen to the kids? Gotta love that paranoia. Any wonder why I need medications?

I am really fortunate to have the professionals involved that we do.

I think the stress that our kiddos/family members cause us is at the root of the anxiety/depression. I don't know if the biological issue is as strong as the stress issue.
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
I had read in one of my BiPolar (BP) books that the chances of having an Autistic child is higher when you have BiPolar (BP) in your family. I will have have to think about which book it is on?
I am still unpacking.
N shows more signs of "Autism like" SX than BiPolar (BP). Who knows what she has? But right now she is diagnosis'd Sensory Integration Disorder (SID) and anxiety...
 

totoro

Mom? What's a difficult child?
Oh and NO way I have no issues!!!! LOL
I have always had issues. husband has had issues emerge since K and N were born and of course likely mine as well.
 
There's no question that our difficult child has both feet firmly planted on the spectrum and easy child is actually in the nearby neighborhood. There is no Bipolar Disorder on either side as far back as we know, but there are Aspie traits galore - including husband and myself. My grandfather was an electrical engineer, my Dad was a meterologist/mathematician/computer programmer who studied worldwide weather patterns for the military in the 1960's. Can we say total nerdom? LOL . In my opinion both guys come by this naturally - but our families are really kind of boring in terms of emotional fluctuations -they just aren't there at all. Fluctuations or emotions, actually.

Has difficult child's care sent me over the top? Well, let me just say that in one of his many hospitalizations I was surrounded by docs in the hallway drilling me and peppering me with demands/questions/etc. I was pretty much speechless and overwhelmed at that point. difficult child's psychiatrist stepped forward, took my hand, and shooed everyone away. He said, "All of this is too much, and I think that you need some help. I suggest these two antidepressants, and I'm happy to call your doctor". What a lovely man, and I think that says it all....

Valerie
 
N

Nomad

Guest
Hmmm..although I do NOT advocate self medication...
to answer your question, I think that myself and most of us totally "get" this pillow:
http://www.potpourrigift.com/itemdy00.asp?T1=R86065&srccode=NXCRC6



:tongue::sad-very::whiteflag::sick::faint:

Seriously, having a difficult child, has been a personal strain for myself and at times for my marriage. Surely, in certain ways, it has been a strain for each family member. We recognize our daughter's attributes, but it has been a VERY difficult road. Through much education, struggle, effort and prayer...I have been able to persevere and even learn from the experience. In the end, our marriage has gotten stronger as well.
 
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Star*

call 911........call 911
In all seriousness......

I agree with SLSH =

My son's behaviors exacerbated my anxiety and depression which is why I saw a therapist and one of the reasons I continue on AD's. However to completely blame my son for my own depression or anxiety is unfair. Life is life.

This is why I saw a therapist the entire time Dude lived with us. No way could I have made it without having a professional to bounce ideas and suggestions on how to survive with him for the last 12 years. Also if you don't have a good bi-partisan person to listen to your families troubles and help you come up with solutions when you are unable to? Nothing ever gets solved.

Solve nothing? Nothing fixed. Nothing fixed? Always broken. Always broken - nothing works. Nothing works.....no progress. No progress....you stay right where you are, broken. I wanted my family to move forward as best as we could.
 

Red Chief

New Member
Let me add to the chorus of YES answers!

Personally, I'm doing OK. I think I might have some depression issues I need to get taken care of, but I know it has nothing to do with my difficult child. I just find it easy to keep calm & patient through all of the blowups, bad decisions, and such. If anything, I feel really sad for difficult child sometimes. I know she gets real embarrassed about the things she does (after the fact). As a parent, I can't help being embarrassed & sad with her. I just wish she was normal.

wife on the other hand is really feeling terrible. She's had anxiety & depression issues most of her life due to her very bad upbringing. She is always trying to make all of difficult children problems her fault. Not to mention that wife & difficult child are like oil & water most times. difficult child knows how to push Mom's buttons and has no qualms doing it. Sometimes, I just feel like the referee, trying to keep them from fighting. One real nice thing about their situation is that they are both seeing the same therapist. She seems truly intrigued by them, and they both seem to respond well to what she's trying to do.
 

GoingNorth

Crazy Cat Lady
There's a thing called 'caregiver fatigue' that occurs quite often in people who have to take care of ill family members. I think that if you combine that with the abuse caregivers often take from MI family members, you are playing with dynamite.

I know how regular caregiver fatigue effected me: depression, severe anxiety, and finally manifestation of the BiPolar (BP) I was already very genetically prone to.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
GN...I think that is a totally different thing and what most folks here are referring to when they talk about becoming stressed and depressed with raising our kids.

To have bipolar or autism or even MDD, you arent going to catch it from your kids. You arent even going to become that way because you have difficult child kids. You have to have the predisposition for it and now that we know it is genetic and that means genes are involved...well there ya go.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
It's not fully genetic; there seem to be some environmental factors also (for example, identical twins where one is autistic but the other is not. difficult child 3's Grade 1 teacher had one such set of twins). I did read the research paper, Janet. I took info from the post that mentioned it, then looked it up further. I actually posted right away, but something went awry with it, the site seemed to go down on me and I lost my post. Probably a good thing for people, I perhaps got a bit too detailed medically.

From what I could understand (and from what I recall) they have identified a location on the human genome, that is associated with various conditions such as schizophrenia, bipolar and autism. However, that seems to be as far as the connection goes. The fault in the genome at that point involves whether that location has too few or too many copies. In schizophrenia, there are too many copies. In autism, there are too few. I didn't find out whether this is on both chromosomes or only one of the pair. And how many copies too many (or too few) or whether that is connected to the severity of the condition, or if it's more like a jug overflowing - once it's overflowing, the floor is still wet, if you follow. But the jug can be ALMOST overflowing, and the floor just as dry as if the jug is only half full.

So I will need to read more. What is also needed, is to find where this research has been replicated (like the genes, I guess). Because I have also seen research (in other areas of medicine) which was loudly proclaimed as brilliant, as potentially Nobel-winning, which turned out to be junk research and unable to be replicated.

If a parent has bipolar or schizophrenia then (according to that research) they have too many copies of that patch of the chromosome. They pass the chromosome in question on to half their children (according to the law of averages). It is still possible that during replication of the germ cells (ie during meiosis) that crossing over reduces the number of copies of that section of chromosome. We know that a lot of crossing over occurs during meiosis, but you'd have to be darn lucky for it to cross over right there. Most crossing over separates more distant areas of the chromosome, rather than bits close together (again, law of averages - that's how they've mapped the genome).

So it would seem to me that it would be LESS likely for a parent with bipolar or schizophrenia to produce a child with autism.

However, a very important factor has to be considered, and it is very much related to what we are talking about here - the link between mental illness in the parent and in the child.

Is there a link?

Is the link causative?

If so, WHICH WAY is the link causative? Parent causing it in the child? Or child causing it in the parent?

And now we come to the important point - as adults, we have more control over what we do about it, who we take ourselves/our kids to see. If we are aware that WE have problems, then we are likely to be more enlightened about getting our kids seen to.

So an adult with bipolar (especially if it is controlled) is more likely to get problems in their child also seen to, and therefore diagnosed.

As a result - there is likely to be a greater level of awareness of mental health issues, and therefore a greater level of intervention and diagnosis, in the children of parents who have a diagnosed but well-controlled mental health issue.

The study you mentioned, Janet, was a very interesting one on the chromosomes themselves. It's an interesting topic and one I'd like to see studied more. It is only a fragment of the picture, however, because it doesn't explain everything; it poses more questions. What is also needed is an epidemiological study which looks at the rate of conditions such as autism and bipolar in the community in both parents and children, as well as other mental health diagnosis rates in parents and children (including siblings) and it needs to also be done randomly in the general population.

When we go looking for things, we usually find them. Sometimes what we find isn't what we were looking for in the first place. Sometimes we attach too much importance to what we find ("aha! THIS must be what I was looking for!") and either stop looking further, or consider ourselves justified in searching, when we actually may not have found anything relevant. Also, labels can change further down the track.

For example, I developed pain in my neck. An X-ray showed that I have vestigial ribs in my neck. My first reaction was, "aha! So THAT is what is causing the pain!" but then a doctor pointed to the narrowed space between the neck vertebrae and said, "Forget the ribs. They're not the problem. They're an incidental finding. What's going on, is nerve compression in your neck."
Another doctor said, "You've had that neck compression for years. Why would it only now start to cause pain? No, there is something else going on, in the soft tissues."

In other words, what we find may not necessarily be relevant. Just interesting. Maybe later on it may acquire relevance and we can re-visit the findings with better understanding.

But for now - I'll just sit here rocking in my corner...

Marg
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
I dont think we can even argue that there is a genetic link with mental illness. I certainly think it would be illogical to say that a child could pass a mental illness backwards to a parent. Its not a virus.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Not in that respect, Janet. But although we joke about "insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children" there is some truth in it. Obviously not genetically transmissable from child to parent, but we've all said here, that living with the strain of raising a difficult child does take its toll. In that respect, I think we DO get it from our kids!

I'll do some digging, maybe send of some emails to a researcher I know who has been working on depression for yonks. Interestingly, he now heads the clinic where difficult child 3 is getting treatment, plus they're doing a lot of work with autistic kids. Still, the depression research is also continuing, apparently independently. I'm thinking I could approach the autism researchers and pick their brains. They should be back from their summer break by next week. I'm developing a good list of questions to ask them.

When we talk about depression, we're probably jumbling up two different types - reactive, and endogenous. Even in our kids - which type is their depression? Is their depression a clinical fragment of whatever-it-is that makes them a difficult child? Or is it their reaction to their increasingly difficult life?

And in us - would we have developed depression anyway, if we didn't have such challenging kids? Or is having to deal with them, what tipped us over into mental illness?

Can we even be sure of the answers?

Maybe some can.

Marg
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
If insanity is heredity and we get it from our kids - ya'll better make the next reunion REAL soon and meet me NOW.....cause I'm dooooomed (said like Charlie Brown) ROFLMbald head off.

Tossing my .02 cents in for mental illness can be caused....when I was abused as a wife over and over? The symptoms I suffered from were very much a mental illness. They were text book descriptions OF mental illness. By the time I started in therapy I was considered mentally ill due to battered spouse syndrome. I'm not sure of the technical term but the reaching term meant from THIS abuse I had reaching effects that were long lasting that were cause and affect for other things in my life. So in asking CAN you GET a mental illness without being born with it? Yes. Can you be cured of it? Yes. It takes a lot of time, patience, therapy and what is known as re-mapping of your brain, but sometimes things can be reversed.

I think this is why we preach to each other about making SURE we take care of ourselves. If WE don't? Then who will take care of our kids? I'm not talking about having a stressful day or two and then going off the deep end...I'm talking about years and years and years of patterns of abuse with no help, no end, no support. It changes your brain. It can cause permanent and irreversible damage.

So to answer this question without being specific....it is possible to have a lasting abusive situation cause changes that you could be considered mentally ill. The difference for us here is - we have each other, we have resources and we have the knowledge that we have choices to not continue to stay in that situation and get help for ourselves and our children. Whether we choose to take that step? As always; a personal one.

Does that help?
 

serenityprayer

New Member
Very interesting post!

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and have suffered depression in the past. I also have anxiety disorder. All of this has become way worse since having my kids...especially my difficult child and being married to my bipolar husband. My husband and I mixed my issues of depression/Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)/anxiety and his bipolar..........we got our difficult child son who is bipolar and has severe anxiety disorder. Our older child is symptom free of all of it and the only non medicated person in our family. In fact, she is an excellent student and has a great head on her shoulders. Who knew? LOL!!!!!!!!!!!

So maybe it is like rolling the dice? I rarely had anxiety, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), or depression before I had kids and got married. Since difficult child's bipolar has become worse now that he is 9 years old....all of my issues are so much worse. I have anxiety about his rages, etc. I almost feel bipolar myself sometimes since I live with it constantly. Like their moods become my moods if that makes sense! My daughter uses lots of humour to deal with it all. The other night she noticed her Dad and brother were about to blow and she whispered to me.."I think we might have a double-rage night" ;)laughing.
 

KTMom91

Well-Known Member
I've been thinking about this ever since the post went up. Before I met Miss KT's father, with his difficult child-ness, I pretty much had it together. After several years with him, and when Miss KT was 9 months old, we moved back here, because I simply couldn't work 60 hours a week, with a 3 hour total commute, with a baby at home, and run the house. Once I started the emotional downhill slide, I kept on sliding, with no support from my then-husband. Even after we separated, then divorced, and I started life as a single parent, I felt like I was barely hanging on, but with no insurance, I just kept on.

Now, 18 years later, I'm better, but I still feel like a mess. I'm 100 pounds overweight, I'm diabetic, stressed...I absolutely believe that difficult child-ness contributed to my overall health decline, both Miss KT's and her father's.
 

rejectedmom

New Member
Yes, I spent several years of my life giving and sacrificing only to get yelled at and abused. When difficult child 1 reached middle school age she started calling me all kinds of vile things and telling lies about me to others. Grounding her, taking away privileges counsiling etc didn't stop her abuse. After years of her verbal and some physical abuse I put her out at age 21. Then difficult child 2 started to do the same thing to me. Interventions helped some but once he left the private school he started up with a vengence. Eventually I ended up battered and suffering from PTSD and situational depression. I have overcome most of that now just a little residual PSTD that manifests in overactive startle reflex and ocassional iritability if out in crowded places. But the feeling that I wasted most of my life trying to help unappreciative and selfish people rises up often and depresses me. It takes a conscious effort to push it away, smile and count my blessings. -RM
 
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