Do you think I have a reason to be hurt/upset?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Feb 5, 2007.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Ok this is small potatoes in the big scheme of life but it is driving me nuts.

    Many of you may remember my post about Xmas and Jamies pregnant girlfriend and how she had a fit about his gifts. I never said anything much to her about it...she did try to draw me into it by trying to get me to agree with her that he didnt listen well but I just said that I wasnt getting into the middle of their problems because they would work them out.

    Well they left early the next morning. I have not spoken to her since. That was mid december. Normally she would have called and at least spoken to me or jamies dad. Maybe not very often but I did have a birthday in mid january.

    They went to have a sonogram done on my birthday but the baby was too small to tell the sex. They emailed me the pics and I responded by email. Jamie talked to his dad on the phone.

    I set up a myspace account so I could keep up with them because she through this fit and decided she wasnt moving down here even though that was what Jamie wanted and he even had a job offer. Ok...I didnt say a word. We were even going to let them stay in our house rent free so they could save for a house and we could travel with work for husband. She was fine with it until xmas. Oh well...I keep my mouth shut.

    About two weeks ago after we saw the babys sonogram I saw something on freecycle. Jamie and his dad keep saying they think this baby is a boy because of the size of the baby. Well this person was giving away a brand new in the package diaper bag set and bath set. I went and picked it up. Its adorable. I sent a message out on myspace to both Jamie and the girlfriend telling them about getting these things from freecycle...I said..."hey the baby its first freecycle stuff today" and I told them what it was. I even said it was brand new in the packages.


    I am ticked.

    I know they got the messages...My other son who lives with them told me they did. He wouldnt tell me what they said. Now I wonder if "her highness" thinks second hand stuff is too good for her child? Wasnt too good for Keyana. One thing I have to give to Cory and Lindsey...they have always been tickled to death with my finds. I dont know why Jamie would act this way...he sure didnt grow up that way...and from what I know about her, she grew up working poor.

    This has really hurt my feelings and if something doesnt happen, I wont be doing much looking for stuff for this kid. Be a shame if because of this girl I dont have much of a relationship with this grandchild...but Im actually expecting that to happen. Corys kids will be the ones we end up closer to because we will live in closer proximity to them.

    But...if they think we can buy new stuff for their kids when we didnt buy it for Corys...well that simply isnt fair either. I dont like feeling I am being put in this position. I already am worried because her mom is planning a baby shower in the spring...something that wasnt done for Cory and I know it may cause hard feelings. Ugh.
  2. Lori4ever

    Lori4ever New Member

    I would be hurt too. But it sounds like maybe she is one of those who won't accept anything not new. I have just hit that snag with my 16 year old niece, too. Oh, well. Buy your own things, then. I am so sorry she is doing this. Maybe her mother is helping her, but that doesn't give her the right to be nasty or cold. She is being rude and childish, in my humble opinion. I'm sorry, you don't deserve that. I hope she gets off her high horse.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I don't know about what each girl is like but if Jamie's future m i l has a shower for her, it shouldn't cause a fuss. They are two separate and adult couples. You treat them equal but other people don't have to. If her mom can do more, be happy. It's not a competition it's to Jamie's benefit that they will struggle just a tiny bit less.
    There are five of us kids. We all got about the same from my parents but each one of us have different things from in laws. One couple the bride was an only child. Another remarried the same husband. One had a nicer wedding that others. My middle sis married at the country club and had a very lovely reception. Beautiful. I had the fire hall, buffet dinner. I don't feel jealousy. It just wasn't/isn't a competition. All of us worked hard but some do better than others.

    The truth is we want our kids to do better than we do. It's what mom's want for their kids. If one son does better than the other, should he feel like he shouldn't? Would you think it's wrong to do well and find success? Would you be unhappy if he has a steady job with benefits and is able to buy a house. If her parents give a bit of a down payment on a home would everyone be unhappy or would they be happy for their brother's success. It seems to me that Jamie has always done for his brothers. He has shared what he had and his home. If he is able to build with his future wife and child a decent life, then more power to them.

    A gift is a gift and should be appreciated and respected. It is simply poor manners to not acknowledge and thank you for the gift. Both of them should be embarassed to not thank you.
    Jamie's been married before. He has an idea what it takes. He has to make good choices before instead of being surprised later on that she isn't happy with his choices.
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Janet, I agree with Fran. If Jamie is marrying someone who's family can and will do, please don't fault them or the child for that. When pcson got married, husband and I footed the bill because her parents were unable to. My family has provided more material items for them, but her parents love them the same as we do, and easy child, daughter in law, and baby certainly love her parents as much as they love us. Just make sure you don't treat the ones closer to you better when Jamie's is around. My mother in law did that to my children. husband's sister lived in in-law's back yard and they were treated much differently then mine were and it still bothers mine today.
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Fran...I think that is what has me flummoxed. I am almost feeling a "here we go again" thing another girl dictating things. I realize you guys cant have any way of knowing how much involvement I have in his life but believe me...I have little. I dont give an opinion on much of anything because I dont want to be a problem. My feeling is if I dont have to live with them, then it isnt my business. Or should I say...unless it is going on in my house, it isnt my business. I do come here and vent a bit because I truthfully have very few friends who I can talk to.

    I dont begrudge her parents doing things for them at all. Not a problem in the least. I havent met them yet, husband has and says they are nice. My problem will be if SHE expects me to rise to the same level of contribution and we cant afford it.

    I really dont like dealing with girlfriend' They take all the fun out of babies.
  6. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Janet, I understand. There is always a little looking at the other parents and feeling like they are giving more or less but the truth is, no one can make you feel bad if you don't set yourself up to be hurt.
    You give what you can. It will be good enough. Your son knows how hard you work to buy a gift for your kids and the babies. If she doesn't appreciate them, it doesn't diminish your gift. It's up to your son to remind his new wife that it's the intent and thought and not the gift. I don't think you raised a greedy child and he will have to share that with his new wife.
    Other than that, feel good that you have done something nice for someone. Their reaction doesn't diminish your gift and your giving.
    One of the things I try is giving with no expectations. Everyone wants to think the gift is appreciated though. I think you did a nice thing.
  7. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    Next time (if there is one, lol!) you give something new, consider not mentioning where it came from. It is the thought that counts. As for something used, it's from your dear friend Bessie's daughter who is no longer using it and wishes to pass it on. :wink:
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    LOL...TM...see that is part of it. Everyone was so happy with me having the freecycle thing as an outlet to actually give me something to focus on instead of just staying in the house. Wanting to share that fun with them was something I was looking forward to. Now I feel like it has been yanked away.
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Janet, I think being a mother in law or grandma is very difficult. Sometimes you just can't win. I think my Mom was the best mother in law/grandma ever born but it took a lot of self-restraint on her part.

    Her secret?- she waited.

    She was always patient and supportive and waited for exdh to warm up to her.

    She waited until I told her what my decorating colors were going to be before sending a housewarming gift.

    When Rob moved in she waited until I told her the "theme" of his room and of his baby shower and all that.

    Bless her heart, Mom learned to wait for just about everything and I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it was for her to wait. But it really paid off in the long run for everyone.

    She gave with no expectations but just the joy of being able to give- anything else was a bonus.

    I don't think I could possibly be as gracious as she...but maybe her actions are something we can both learn from?

  10. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Well-Known Member

    I can understand that. I like my bargains, I tend to be pretty proud of them. :biggrin:
    Maybe you need to have a heart-to-heart with Jamie and explain how you are feeling (but without too much emphasis on girlfriend or her family).
  11. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Being another who makes every penny scream for mercy before it leaves my hand..... I know how you're feeling. Stepgfg pulled the same sort of thing with us at first. I honestly think it came as a shock to her that we are actually as poor as her Mom. Somewhere along the line she'd gotten it into her head we had money to burn.

    So after her first couple of responses, I stopped mentioning where the gifts came from. None of her gifts for the kids ever had tags, even if I bought them. I never kept the tags on cuz she'd return them for the money and the kids would do without. Eventually she climbed down off her high horse.

    My girls know that the gifts they receive for the grandkids can be bought, yard sale, or homemade, and even free cycle if I find it nice enough. They never bat an eye. They like to tag along when I yard sale. lmao

    easy child's husband did have problems with it at first. And since no hair grows on the boy's tongue, he didn't hesitate to comment. But after a few really nice finds for Darrin, heck he started tagging along too. Now he's as hooked on yard sales as we are. :smirk: sister in law didn't mean to hurt my feelings. He just comes from high middle class and never had anything second hand.

    He still brags about the Lil Tyke's race car bed I found for Darrin in perfect condition for 10 bucks. lmao

    Give what you can and from your heart and don't worry about it. Maybe once she actually sees it her reaction will be different.

    Even if I did have tons of money, I wouldn't spend a ton on baby stuff I can get just as nice second hand. Babies and kids outgrow their stuff too fast.

  12. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hi Janet, I think the fact your other son wouldn't tell you what they said says it all. They didn't appreciate your kindness and it is hurtful. When the baby is born she may have to get off her high horse, money doesn't grow on trees. She didn't grow up like that, and even if she did she should have some class and good character enough to thank you. Now you know and it will be their loss the next good find you see that you won't bother getting. Cory is delighted with your finds, rightfully so, let his little one be the recipient. Her loss, really. She doesn't have good manners. I would also say something to your son about acknowledging gifts being good manners. Alyssa
  13. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    I would be upset at the apparent lack of gratitude too. :frown: Hopefully Jamie will contact you soon...with a thank you..

  14. KFld

    KFld New Member

    It sounds to me like she wasn't happy about it and maybe he's embarassed by her reaction, so he just isn't responding. That doesn't make it right, but that is what I'm thinking. I would just hang onto the stuff and if they don't respond, give it to someone else you know who is having a baby and will appreciate it.
  15. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Janet, I just reread my other reply and can't believe I didn't write that I thought she was an /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gifungrateful brat /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif because I was sure thinking it...

    So now I said it. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/919Mad.gif

  16. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. I guess maybe I have been "spoiled" to an extent by having as much contact with Keyana as I have.

    I didnt have to wonder or wait to learn what theme the room would be because I could do what I wanted at my house. The kids have been tickled to death when I come home with a box of treasures and we go through them. We got the crib off freecycle and Cory spent an afternoon getting it all set up not long after she was born.

    Sure I wish I could afford to go shopping at Babies R US and buy the kids brand new stuff but I cant. The stuff I get is in excellent condition most of the time because I think I am in a military area and there is a high turnover and folks dont like to pack a whole lot of stuff to move. So they basically keep a running donation line going. Babies outgrow their clothes before they wear them out.

    husband is going up to pick up Billy on the 17th to bring him back home. I am going to have him have a private word of prayer with Jamie.
  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    give and expect no gratitude, that way you can give and be happy whether they appreciate it or not! lol
  18. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    Janet, I don't think it's "small potatoes" at all! I don't blame you a bit for being upset! I think too that she sounds spoiled and ungrateful, and to not thank you for your thoughtful gifts for her baby is just downright rude! And she's making a HUGE mistake to alienate her childs' grandmother - future mother in law? - really starting off on the wrong foot! Even the ditzy one that MY son married had the sense to at least PRETEND to be nice ... at first anyway! I hate to say this, but I hope Jamie is looking at this behavior very closely and sees it for what it is. Somebody needs to have a talk with him about it, if not his brother, then you. It sounds like she has no interest in maintaining a cordial relationship with his family, a very bad sign, and it will just get worse when they get married. And for her to criticize the Christmas gifts he gave her in front of everybody was totally uncool, cruel, extremely rude and thoughtless! If she didn't like them, she should have just kept her mouth shut! His feelings should have been more important than whether she liked the d*mn gifts or not! And not to go "Emily Postal" on you here, but I always thought that it was considered kind of "grabby" for the MOTHER to give a bridal or baby shower for her daughter! It should be a close friend, cousin, etc.

    I know what you mean about the money issues too. I am divorced and make just enough to pay my bills and go on an occasional Wal Mart romp. My daughter married a man whose parents are not rich, but "comfortable". I would love to have been able to give them a lavish wedding but I just couldn't and her dad is a walking disaster area! No help there. They were going to have a modest wedding and pay for it themselves, but his mom volunteered to turn it into a big whoop-dee-doo and I let her! They KNOW that I can't compete financially and it's not an issue. Nobody expects me to. HIS mom helped them with the down payment on their house. They used the birthday money I sent them to buy a new dishwasher and they were thrilled with it! In fact, they would probably be upset if they thought that I spent more on them than I could afford!

    And when the grandkids come, it will be the same thing. HIS parents live in the same town with them, I live 600 miles away! It will be no contest - HIS mom will be "Grandma" and I will be "that lady that comes once a year - who the H*ll is she?!?". Even their DOG knows HIS mom as "Grandma"! All they have to say is, "Do you want to go to Grandmas?" and he gets all excited! He LOVES to go to "Grandmas" house! He has treats buried all over her back yard! Ah well ... it looks like we'll be in the same boat!
  19. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Janet. I agree any gift should be acknowledged. I also love a bargin and my kids know that the 'treasure hunt' is just a ton of fun for me. My difficult child's don't want anything used and my easy child's don't care. The consequence is a natural on. My difficult child's ge store bought items much smaller in value that my easy child's bargin items. I put alot of thought into my difficult child's gifts and it shows. For my difficult child 1's 30th birthday I got together a bunch of her photos from all her years on earth i scanned them into my graphics program and made up a nice composit which I then printed out and framed in a nice 8x10 frame. My easy child got a beautiful large painting that I found in a antique store but which was modern so not very expensive. easy child also lets me be creative with her children's gifts and the kids love the unique toys and things I come up woith. For my grand daughter's 2 birthday i bought an old trunk painted it and put her name on it and filled it with dress-up clothes and jewlery. It was a huge hit! My difficult child would never tolerate that so i won't even concider doing something like that when she has kids. -RM