Does this seem reasonable?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by JKF, Nov 15, 2012.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    It's so ironic that just a few short weeks ago I was desperate for difficult child to stop calling me nonstop! When he was in his program he was calling and harassing me constantly because he hated it there. Since he left the program, spent 2 weeks in jail and is now staying with a "friend", I have only heard from him on Monday and Tuesday of this week (through Facebook - NOT a phone call) and then nothing since. So, here's what I proposed to him in a private FB message this morning.

    Hi "J",
    I didn't hear from you at all yesterday and that makes me worried. I hope you're ok. Here's what I'm thinking - Until you are able to save up for the phone of your dreams I will buy you a basic prepaid phone and a phone card so we can stay in touch. That way I won't worry as much and you can keep in touch with me easier. We do love you "J" and want to help where we can. This does not change the fact that we can not allow you to live with us at this point. The only way we could ever consider that is if you get on the proper medication for the bipolar and get some counseling and show some serious stability for a certain amount of time. However, that being said, we are your family and we LOVE you and want the very best for you in life. Please remember that especially in your darkest moments. If you want me to send you the phone please let me know and I will. I really do hope to hear from you today "J". I love you. Love, Mom

    So does that seem reasonable? Getting him a basic phone and phone card so he can keep in touch or call someone if he needs help? I'm not rewarding him in any way for this whole thing but I think the $30 for the basic phone and phone card is worth a little sanity on my end. At least I would know he can get in touch if he needs to.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi JFK, I think that's a reasonable and caring gesture. I've read a number of times on this site that mothers make that same choice for their kids, pay for the cell phone, as a means for the kids to keep in touch with the parents and the parents to feel an element of peace. Sounds like a good plan to me.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I think it is reasonable but please do not get your hopes up. If he was able to find Internet access to post on Facebook, he was able to find a phone. He may use up all his minutes calling his friends and not you.
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I have to echo JJJ. Just because you give him the phone does not mean he will use it to call you, or even answer it when you call. been there done that. We didn't hear from thank you for over 4 months after he went out on his own. He definitely had access to a phone, but it just never occurred to him to call, or he didn't want anything, or who knows why he didn't call - I think he was just so enamored with his new freedom and ongoing bad choices, he didn't think of anything else. I took to snooping on myspace and FB just to make sure he was still alive (literally).

    Hindsight being 20/20, it was the best thing thank you could've done. I had time (and ample silence) to make peace with a lot of things concerning him. When he did initiate contact again, my head was in a much better place to deal with my newly adult child who was going to do what he was going to do and *not* do what I thought was in his best interest (though I quickly learned that it was better for all of us if I just kept my mouth shut ;) ).

    Another thing to think about - how do you see conversations going if he does call you? I was shocked to discover what loaded questions "how are you?" and "whatcha' up to?" are. Literal child that he is, my kid would actually *tell* me. Yep - could've gone my whole life without knowing most of it.

    I remember how horrible this stage was for my family, and my heart goes out to you. in my humble opinion, I think you should do what you feel you need to do, but remember that you cannot force him to call you any more than you could force good choices, appropriate treatment, and on and on, ad nauseum.

    Hugs to you.
  5. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I think it is reasonable but agree that it doesn't mean he will call you.