Don't know what to do

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DaisyC1234, Jan 2, 2020.

  1. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Should I seek out Temporary custody of my grand? My daughter is telling me and my dad that she's getting on medication for her thyroid issue, so fast?? Apparently the car they loaned her got hit while parked...things that make you go hmmm.... but that's not my car, not my problem. I asked if she got help for her alchohol problem and if she feels it's too hard she go to go to AA, as that's her New Years resolution....BS

    I am still questioning if I should seek out Temporary custody.
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I have read your post twice and I'm not sure how to I really don't know your daughters history.

    Sometimes all the red flags we see are not enough for CPS or a judge to act on. And if you do decide to try and get custody, and fail, it will affect your relationship wth your daughter, who will then probably keep the child from you in the future.

    I don't know how to search for your previous posts to learn more background. If you get a chance, give us an update.

  3. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    My daughter is 26 and I would say this behavior (Drinking/Smoking weed) has been going on to some extent when she was about 18 (crashes first car). She got a full ride to a community college because she scored high in reading, but blew it, due to not showing up to classes, then lied about it to us. We kicked her out because she had her boyfriend stay the night and just not working. I have two other kids in the house, so then seeing this was not good.

    Fast forward a few years, she lived with her boyfriend at the time, Mar's dad, things seem ok, they still struggled financially. She became pregnant, they move to a bigger place, that the boyfriends step-mom was renting to them at a discount. Then she finds out he's cheating on her. She moves back to our home, has the baby, Mar. When Mar is 4 months old she gets a job at a strip club, starts drinking heavily, has to reminded to take care of the baby, the room they are in is a disaster, clothes and dirty diapers all over. Doesn't show up when she says she will, and in general has no respect for other peoples time and still doesn't.

    We kick her out again she gets an apartment and had a man from a strip club co-sign for her. She paid him to pay the rent, only he never paid, so she had to move out and left a bunch of stuff we gave her and Mar there. She was dancing at the strip club during this time, still drinking and smoking weed.

    She moved in with my parents for about 8 months and did nothing but get drunk. They moved and she "stayed" with us off and on until from about March 2019 - September 2019 (when I found out she was pregnant). In August I told her this has gone on long enough and she needs to figure out her living situation by the end of September. My mom co-signed on this new apartment and my mom paid for December's rent. She has not paid January as of yet, which was due on the 1st. She can't live with us and the latest baby's dad doesn't want her at this house, but that a rocky relationship.

    She says her new years resolution is to stop drinking and if it's too hard to do on her own she will consider going to AA meeting. She still has no job. The car my parents had loaned her was "crashed into" while parked at her apt so it has significant front end damage to the passenger side. This is the story she told my dad. The other baby's dad says that's not true.
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    I would make an appointment with a family law attorney who has experience with grandparent custody issues. Usually you can get a free consultation. Go to more than one if you can. They would be the best judge of whether this is the time to act or whether you need to wait.

    Are you keeping your granddaughters right now? If so, maybe you can get her to sign a temporary custody agreement so that you can obtain medical care if they need it. Ask the attorney about this.

    If you have any text/email messages (anything in writing) from you daughter in which she admits to alcoholism or anything else that would be detrimental to the welfare of the children, save them and take them in to the lawyer. You will need lots of corroborating evidence to make anything stick. Start documenting everything—every phone call (write down what she said or record of legal in your state) every interaction.
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Does your daughter have hypothyroidism? If so, I believe that all they need to do is a blood test to verify this and start her on medication.

    If it is hyperthyroidism, I believe they have to surgically remove the thyroid and then she takes thyroid medication (unless there are treatments that I am not aware of).

    Either case, that is not to blame for her behavior.
  6. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    She said she went to the Dr and got medication for the thyroid issue.... as far as I know she does have hyperthyroidism, her thyroid is enlarged. I did a quick google search and said it can be managed with medication...I don't know. It says she needs to see and Endocrinologist, but the only appointment I see that she has is the OB/GYN (I have access to her email). My dad seems to think one step at a time, but she needs a mental evaluation or something. Get to the root of the problem.

    I have an appointment with a paralegal today. I have one of the grands, the older one. I would like to get temporary guardianship in place so she can attend pre-school soon. She so excited to learn. She can still visit with her mom/dad, but would technically live with us and have a stable healthy environment and it would allow me to call the shots.

    I printed off the "What is Detachment" article for him. Maybe, just maybe it might jiggle something loose in his brain.
  7. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    This is so hard. Yes, at least temporary custody for child protection if you are in a position to do so. It doesn't sound like your Difficult Child is capable.

    Thyroid problems at such a young age could be an autoimmune problem. Hypothyroidism can cause severe depression, hyperthyroidism can cause extreme anxiety. Many a psychiatrist has diagnosed thyroid problems because a diseased thyroid can cause psychiatric symptoms. The thyroid is responsible for our body's metabolism.

    I live with autoimmune thyroid disease and the ups and downs can be exhausting, literally. I am not saying your daughter has this, but she should have thyroid antibodies checked, hence the specialist, who can create a good successful treatment plan.

    As for your DCs behavior, that's another issue all together. AA sounds like a step in the right direction. Getting her there is the problem. My 41 y/o alcoholic, liver disease daughter became fixated on her exposure to toxic mold. She blames everything on that and on me, she refuses to accept her I'll health is because tests show her liver is failing. I am heartsick over this, but the truth is that I have no control. I just want you to be aware. Our DCs can be very manipulative.

    In healing.
  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    One sep at a time is not acceptable when you have two small children to take care of!

    As long as she can find enablers, she won’t change.

    Not sure of your financial situation, but I’m sure your daughter would qualify for public school pre-school, head start, or whatever they call it in your area.
  9. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I couldn't agree with you more on this!! She would qualify for public pre-school. I already looked into it.

    I guess what really angers us is that my parents continue to enable her and we are left to pick up the pieces with the kids. While she has a car, insurance and rent is paid for. Not sure how to communicate that to them.
  10. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    Seriously, you can't control another person. If your parents are set on enabling her, nothing you say will help. Let them pay. You have no other choice.
    There are no magic words to change anybody else. I wish!!
    If you are up for raising a grand or all, do see a family law attorney. Blessings!
  11. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    I did tell my dad that I think she is taking advantage of him and I don't want that for him, but ultimately it's his money his decision. I would like to communicate that if they want to do that its fine, but they will have to take the kids on too and not just me and my husband. Well, it would have to be my dad for now. Since the divorce, my mom has moved to Colorado, but that has not stopped her from paying things, I know she paid for Decembers rent.

    We are feeling like they help her and she just takes advantage and I know my dad will watch the kids be pissed off about it, but will do it again the next day. I might just have to tell my daughter to ask my dad to watch them rather than me. They want to enable, well, lets enable all the way. The only problem is he will be staying with us for a few months after they sell the house, until he can figure out what he's going to do.
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  12. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    I think that's a good idea. At the very least,nyou will be able to rest.

    The only way to influence how someone else behaves is to change OUR behavior. That forces a change. You may need to put some tough love on your parents. It's not mean. It's survival
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It complicates things that your dad both enables your daughter and lives in your house. His enabling affects you, too.

    I definitely wouldn’t tell daughter to ask grandpa to watch the kids! If she asks you, say no, but don’t volunteer your dad! If she asks anyway and he does it, at least you won’t have any part in it. When he gets mad for allowing himself to be duped, he will have no one to blame but himself.
  14. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    It really does complicate things....and affects us. Excellent advice! I love that. Thank you
  15. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    My grandparents both came from poor families, survived the depression, etc. I think that is part of the reason they allowed certain family members to take advantage of them financially. Your dad expects Dez to get her degree and lift herself out of the situation she's in. I suspect he also thinks she's going to get a great, high paying job and take care of him when he's older. That is a common misconception of the older generation. Life used to work that way, but a college degree no longer guarantees a big salary. I can remember my dad telling me my whole life that all I needed was a college education, and everything else would fall into place.
  16. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    by the way, I usually don't like old fashioned names, but Grace is lovely.
  17. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    Thank you!

    I know my dad wants her to go to school, but I think he's over the school thing. He just wants her to get her life together so she can take care of the kids. She needs to file for child support for Mar's dad, but doesn't want to make him mad, well too bad, I say. The other one needs a DNA test to establish paternity, lets see if that ever happens.
  18. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It would be nice, wouldn’t it, if us wanting our adult offspring to get it together actually made any difference at all.
    That is the reason that we all keep doing what we do to enable them—hoping our sacrifice will finally make them start doing the right things. Never works.
  19. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    He's already been through this with his son, my brother, you think he would know by now.
  20. DaisyC1234

    DaisyC1234 Member

    So after much thought and heart ache, I have decided not to pursue the temporary guardianship. With my dad in full enable mode, it just would not make any sense to do so at this time, plus she's on her New Years Resolution of not drinking, so I think it will be ok for a few weeks.

    If we take on the kids I think too much resentment will build up, while we take on the full responsibility of one or two kids and my dad enabling Dez just would not be a good situation. My dad would have to stop enabling her and I don't think he is ready for that now. Babies are ok for now, but I can't live in a "What if" state and be completely stress out all the time.