easy child was turned down

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by carolanne, Dec 3, 2007.

  1. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    Becky has been turned down for treatment/counseling. the doctor has met with her over the last couple weeks and feels that she is playing a game. He said she told him that she can get her way at home and school by being verbally abusive, loud, insulting and hurtful. Apparently she has told him that once she turns 16, she will do whatever it takes to be placed in a group home. He said she thinks it's a cakewalk there, no rules, come and go as you please and he links it back to difficult child.

    He recommended that we closely monitor her while difficult child is around, possibly listen in on phone conversations if we can and install a key capture on the computer.

    He warned me that she is willing to do whatever it takes to get what she wants...absolutely no rules or anyone in authority telling her what to do or expecting anything of her. He said she told him about being nice to people to get what she wants and that this includes boys!!!!

    He's spoken with her teachers and the principal and gotten input from them....she's had several detentions and forged my signature on the slips(I didn't know about this) and refuses to be quiet in class or hand in assignments.

    In short, he advised me to be very careful around her and that she is not a fit for any of their programs but will try to find us help..

    ohmygod :smile: here we go again..

  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Sounds like easy child is going to play difficult child's game. So play hardball with her.

    I would crackdown hard and fast. All social activity would be closely monitored. Computer would be under close supervision. Get communication lines open with the school. And call them to let them know she's been forging your name on her detention slips. (I'm sure school can come up with a new punishment for that, and you should too)

    I'd be on her like stink on sh*t. And when she whines or throws a hissy (and trust me she will) I'd just tell her if she wants to act like a difficult child then she gets to be treated like one.

    Don't ease up until you see genuine change in behavior and attitude. And still keep a close eye on her when you do.

    The good thing is that she's a easy child and will likely get sick of it, whereas it takes difficult children forever to get the idea.

    My easy child tried this at about 15 or so. (when she got it in her head her sibs were getting all the attention ect) A few months of major crack down mode and she couldn't take it anymore. Her attitude and behavior began to return to normal. (thank God)

    therapist is giving you the heads up so you can nip this in the bud.

  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Think Lisa has the right idea. She doesn't want rules and wants to live in a group home? Well, too bad. That's not happening at this moment. For now, it is time to remove the good things in her life until she starts following rules.

    I'd say a lot of her behavior is just her age and, if she is a easy child, she will grow out of it. However, that doesn't mean she won't make your life miserable for the next year or two. It goes with the territory. sigh

    Hang in there. It will get better. Honest it will!
  4. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I don't know that you can call her a easy child anymore, Carolanne. Maybe it's time to change her status to difficult child 2.

    What is it about turning 16 that makes her think that "they" are magically going to put her into a group home? There's no age limit on group homes. She has no idea of what that situation would be like. Having lived in that situation when I was a girl, I can tell you right now, she won't like it.

    It's true that the adults won't dote on her the way you have, and she might find that freeing in an odd way from time to time. They also won't buy her anything for personal use. They won't give her an allowance. Anything nice that she does have she'll have to keep on her person at all times because otherwise eventually it will be stolen from her. I hope she likes sh*t on a shingle and tuna casserole, because she'll be eating a lot of it. And she can forget about soda pop, fast food, private lessons of any kind, or after school activities that cost money. Also, kiss goodbye going anywhere that isn't on the group home's activity schedule. No visiting friends, no overnighters. Then again, every night will be like an overnighter, because even in the smallest bedroom, she will find two sets of bunkbeds. And she needs to get used to sleeping with those valuable items too (I slept with a great big purse). There will be assigned daily chores. Mine was to vacuum the living and family room every morning before school. (With my purse on my shoulder). On weekends there was the full house cleaning. My job was windows. One of the girl's jobs was to pincurl "mom's" hair. There will be difficult child's there that will steal her limelight like she never thought anyone could. If she thought one difficult child sibling was bad, wait until she has ten.

    If I were you, I would let her know in no uncertain terms that you will do nothing to stop her from her goal of living in the lovely group home that she dreams of. And that you will welcome her back whenever she wants to come home and act her age. That age being 15. Not 12, and not 30.

    I'm pretty sure that you won't tell her what my dad told me. "Do what you want because you could go out and play in the freeway right now and get hit by a car and die and I couldn't care less."

    Harumph! Sorry for being grouchy about this, it obviously struck a nerve. I thought that was what I wanted when I was about her age too. She's lucky that you value her enough to want her well and home.
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Oh, yeah, I forgot to add. The one I was in was one of the better group homes in my area. I'll never forget Brenda S. Brenda and her little brother had been at home one day when her mother murdered her father and proceeded to cut him to bits so she could preserve him in canning jars. The first home she was in she was told she was a dog and lived in the closet with the cleaning supplies. She was let out to do housework but had to do it on her knees because she was a dog. She ate her dog food out of a bowl on the floor. Let me tell you, Brenda was messed up. A cutter, a screamer, delusional thoughts. But "mom" got extra money to keep her, so she was a part of our "family".

    The last time I saw Brenda she was about 19 years old, wandering through a carnival, pregnant by some roadie, and had already lost custody of her first child. I have no idea what ever happened to her. It still makes me blue to think of her.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree, I think this is more typical teenage BS...she's getting near to the age where she thinks freedom reigns. She will be in for a big surprise. Don't make it easy for her and definitely tell her if she behaves as a difficult child, she will be treated as a difficult child. I do not think she is a difficult child, however, I just think she's pulling some chains. Pull back, hard.
  7. goldenguru

    goldenguru Active Member

    OK. I'm going to take a different tact here.

    Having an older difficult child sibling is hard on younger sibs. They (difficult child's) receive a lot of attention - usually negative attention - but attention none the less.

    Could easy child be crying out for attention? Sometimes in all of the difficult child chaos, younger easy child's get overlooked.

    Any chance she's trying to follow in her older sister's footsteps? to create drama?

    Do you suppose she has the notion that Residential Treatment Center (RTC) would be wonderful? Could difficult child have painted a rosy picture of her experiences in an institution?

    Food for thought.
  8. carolanne

    carolanne Member

    difficult child Jess has tried to tell her a group home isn't all sunshine and roses. She's told her about being beat up by the other girls, having her ipod stolen and her cds trashed, she's told her about the chores that are never ending(her one job was to scrub out the garbage dumpster each week) and how the basic allowance of $9 per week was impossible to earn and would be stolen.

    Key lock is now installed on my computer. I told both girls last night I am going back to the way I used to parent before all this trouble was stirred up. Becky said and I quote "try it and see what happens"....she now has no computer, phone or tv for the week. She kept mouthing off and I gave her the dictionary and said ten pages NOW....took her two hours but she did it. Never got a good night at bedtime....oh that sooo hurt :rofl:

    This morning she demanded her lunch....I told her to make her own....just a few minutes ago I found her dirty clothes shoved into my little guys wagon so I tossed it all into the yard....yep, I used to do that all the time...can't hang your coat up or put your shoes in the closet? Out the door they go....

    I've also decided that christmas is not going to be $$$$$. I wanted to make this one better than last year which was a flop due to difficult child only showing up to grab and run...so I've pared the list back and they are only getting the new mp4 players they asked for and two other smaller gifts....more than enough for kids who have treated mom less than you would a stranger....

    This is gonna be tough I know...but I suddenly feel like I am back....I am the toughest person in this house and this child will not have the power any longer to break my spirit....


    ps. I called the school and now they will phone for each infraction and she is being given detention for one week. Most detentions are sitting in a class reading but for her....they've decided that she will be washing down blackboards....92 classrooms and 18 portables.... :bravo:
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I love it. :rofl:

    Good for the school for getting creative, too. :bravo:
  10. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You rock, Mom! I hope you have that Calgon handy for yourself!
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Holy Mackeral!

    Where did you find that armor?

    TITANIUM I tell ya!!


    We are ALLLLLLLLLL behind you. :fan: