er existed" New here and lowest its got

[Ngaire K]

Hi, I just found this site when it all blew completely apart with my 15 year old son tonight. It looks like just what I have been needing, I just burst into tears knowing there was somewhere to go, with people who understand. I wish I had found it earlier in my sons life. I have been having many problems with him for 5 years now, since he started puberty early at 10. He has always been "different", clingy, challenging, not the type to stick to the rules, of the house, or in school and extremely intelligent.
Tonight, after a week and a half of all I can describe as "rampaging" (blasting out against every rule that ever existed, triggered by him and his friends being grounded for a week for getting into big trouble together), he ended up taking an iron bar to my outside trellising and destroying it. All because I took away a can of flammable butane out of his room. I was so scared.. he is 6 foot tall now and 180kg, and I thought he was going to start on my windows and come after me (I was locked in the house with the kids). I rang the police, they turned up with a police dog this time (they have been here often) and pepper sprayed him and took him away in handcuffs. After 11 days of being terrorised I was glad. He is in jail for tonight, but I am still jumping at every noise, I feel like i have mild PTSD, keep shaking.
What he did tonight was very calculated, he wasnt in an out of control rage, he did it purely to get back at me, to show me who is boss. I have little support, my partner just ended our relationship, which I know needed to happen, I had little support in our relationship and it was hurting more then not having anyone. But I feel so alone now :frown:
I dont know where to go from here, I have read the asperges pages some more, and Oppositional defiance disorder and it is so him, i started to cry again. I KNOW he needs help, and it seems to a certain extent he can't control what he does, he is wired totally different to most people. I have been trying to get him help for 5 years, he keeps falling thru the cracks... people say they will help and nothing happens (professionals). He refuses to go to counselling, thinks he's the man and knows everything, that the problem is ME. I am exhausted, he takes 3/4 of my energy just dealing with the friction he causes in my family.
The police rang Child youth and family tonight AGAIN, I called them 2 days ago and they said they couldnt do anything to help me, cause my case worker (who hasnt contacted me since I approached them back in January) was on leave and that I would have to wait a week and a half till she got back! NOW they are wanting to help me. But that is probably going to involve getting him out of the house, to keep us all safe... and if that happens, I dont know where he will end up :frown:
I feel like a terrible mother, its my full time job, and I have failed miserably at bringing up a good citizen (though I know I've tried hard). I have leashed a monster on society and there isnt anything I can do to change that :frown:
Thanks for listening.
Ngaire

 

[chicaroo]

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. But I want to send you a ***BIG HUG*** and let you know we are all here for you. I'm a newbie as well and have already found so much help. I'm sure somebody else will come along that can offer some advise and insight.

Keeping you in my thoughts....

 

[Marguerite]

Welcome, Ngaire. I figured you'd have to be a Kiwi with a name like that - I went to school with a Ngaire who had come from NZ.

Don't blame yourself, don't fret too much about where he will end up if it means you're not also giving equal weight to reducing the exposure of you and your other kids to the violence and abuse you've been copping.

Guilt slows you down and achieves nothing. Whatever help he needs, you all need some breathing space and some urgent intervention. The conflict with your partner probably wasn't helping, either.

Others will be along with more experience here, but one thing I will suggest - get your hands on a copy of "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. Grab a library copy ASAP, or in the meantime read the discussion on the book in Early Childhood. It's a technique you can use on older kids, but the Early Childhood thread was started to discuss how to use it with younger kids. It still might give you some useful info until you can get to the library or bookshop. There is a new edition out now, I had a long wait in Sydney before I could get it, so you may find bookshops a bit difficult. But I found plenty of library copies here, so you should have them there as well.

Hang in there and keep us posted.

by the way - why are you up so late? It's bad enough for me, but it must be well after 3 am for you right now! We should BOTH be in bed! Funny what kids like ours will do to our sleep patterns...

Marg

 

[ROE]

Ngaire,

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I wish I had some words of wisdom. Reading your post reminded me of the past with my difficult child. Our difficult child's diagnosis's are not the same. But my difficult child started having problems around the same age. My difficult child was symtomatic at age 9 1/2 and a full blown difficult child by age 10. I can relate to what you're saying when you say that his latest outburst was calculated. My difficult child did have rages where it seemed that he really could not control himself. Then there was the day (he was 10)that he hit me with with a plastic chair. He was actually hiding, and when I came around the corner he nailed me with it. It was a calculated attack. He was getting back at me for making him go to school. I was so upset by the incident. I started to think that he had no conscious. I was raising a sociopath and it was possible that nothing was going to change him. Lucky for me difficult child had a t.doctor appointment that day. He was admitted for a short inpatient stay immediately after.

I know this situation is not nearly as frightening as the situation you described. We had many more incidents that were much more violent. My difficult child is now 16. He's got me by 6 inches and more than 100 lbs. I would not hesitate to call the police on my difficult child he ever got out of control again. You have to do whatever it takes to keep your family safe. I've been fortunate that my difficult child's behavior is not as extreme anymore.

I can understand your frustration at trying to get your difficult child help especially if he refuses to cooperate. My difficult child resisted therapy as a child and now he flat out refuses it too. I had a therapist tell me that at his age, no therapist will work with him if he isn't willing to cooperate. My difficult child has been medicated since he was 10, and that is the one thing that he does not refuse.

Have you tried therapy sessions without your difficult child? I did get alot of useful information and suggestions from various professionals on how to handle my difficult child. I often think that I got more out of my difficult child's therapy sessions (when he actually went)than he did.


Hang in there. Take care.

 

[BusynMember]

I just wanted to say "hi." I realize it is very different in NZ and really don't know enough about your healthcare system to tell you what to do. Also, some countries won't diagnose certain disorders. I do know that, if a child isn't stabilized on medications, it's very hard to get therapy to work.

 

[Marguerite]

MWM, I know it's going to sound cheeky, but Aussies refer to New Zealand as the eastern states of Australia, while New Zealanders refer to Australia as "West Island". Kiwis are great people. We've got jokes about Kiwis and they have jokes about Aussie yobbos. It's friendly stuff but it's also because there are a lot of similarities culturally, between Australia & NZ. Our health care systems, legal systems and education systems are very similar. Because NZ & Australia got going in roughly the same area, at roughly the same time, from British colonisation, we've evolved along similar lines culturally. The biggest differences - NZ traditional indigenous people are very different to ours (not nomadic, for a start - although most of ours aren't these days either); the wildlife is very different (no snakes in NZ, for example) and you get a lot more packed into a smaller space. NZ is a much richer country agriculturally and geologically very different.

Politically - NZ is small enough to be able to have a political conscience that I value, instead of being the opportunistic brown-nosers that we have become politically. There have been times when I have been disgusted by Aussie political leaders and at the same time admired the grit of the NZ ones, enough to even consider moving there.

Our health care systems have reciprocal arrangements, so close is the relationship. So what works here, works in NZ. In some areas, the same courage shown by NZ politically is also shown medically, in being prepared to listen and think outside the square.

I only know as much as I do, because husband & I are planning a holiday there in a couple of months. With our family health problems, we've been doing a lot of homework. I'm really looking forward to the trip, too - there is so much in NZ that is unique, that I've wanted to see since I was a small child. difficult child 3 is fairly OK now with travel - we do have some problems but he's getting more capable of dealing with major change and upheaval.

I don't think there are any differences between what would be diagnosed in Australia, and what would be diagnosed in NZ, but I'm fairly sure that here also, NZ would be a close match to Australia. So, to advise Ngaire - think about what you would advise me. I'm sure it will help.

Ngaire, I hope today has been better for you - I hope you got some vital rest, too.

One concern I have - with your mental health system, will they intervene and hospitalise him for assessment? In Australia this is uncommon, because our hospitals won't admit them for more than a few days. I hope NZ is better in this than we are.
To find out (if the welfare people or the police haven't already told you) you could try calling a mental health help line and ask their advice. I did something similar over here on behalf of someone else, and after calling about three different places ("I can't help you, but ABC organisation might, here is their number...") I eventually had the answers to my questions. These counselling lines are also supposed to be confidential, so you don't have to worry they'll have your details and tell everyone about your problems.

One more STRONG recommendation - keep your names, ID etc hidden. Not that anyone here is going to abuse the info, but it leaves you freer to say what you want to without fear of being tracked by people you'd rather not have see what you write here. For example, when difficult child 3 was still in mainstream school and I was having HUGE fights with the local teachers and education officials, I could vent away here and KNOW that none of my problem people could track what I was saying; nor could they pick up on advice I was being given, and prevent me from implementing it. This gave me more power, and more knowledge to safely change difficult child 3's situation with a minimum of hassles.

And one more thing Ngaire - on a lighter note, there is slang that you & I would use in polite conversation, that is forbidden on this site. Similarly, you may be shocked by some of the words that ARE permitted here. I just go with the flow and try to not trangress too often. It's a b*g**r, ain't it?

Marg

 

[Sunlight]

I read your sad post. I feel sorry that you have so much of a burden. more than one person should have. I can relate to so much of it. my son did all that and more at that age. i called the cops time and again. he took a baseball bat to a car here and I called the cops as he was hitting the windshield.

he was in many placements. he is consumed with underlying anger and frustration. he is very intelligent also. he is almost 24. he has outgrown a lot of the acting out. he is an alcoholic.

I beg to differ wtih you on the being a bad mother part. a bad mother would not hold her son accountable. a bad mother would let him rule the roost and cower in her bed hiding from him as he over took the household.

a very brave and loving mother would not allow her son to get away with destroying property. a very wise mother would know he would one day do this to strangers and would not get away with it from them.

still, it is painful to be a good mom, isnt it? I had to make my son move out of here three weeks ago. my heart would rather he live here while so I could baby him some more. my mind knows he must grow up. he lives in a bad area now and must take a bus to a ride to work. he struggles. I must allow this struggle so he can one day be a man.

still, I do get tears in my eyes, and also a lump in my throat. this it not what I wanted.

my son forced my hand as did yours. pray he gets the guidance he needs.

I also hope you are able to develop a life partner. it is so nice to have support and a good person to walk thru life with you shoulder to shoulder. I too want that.

 

[panda]

my heart goes out to you, i too wish i had words of wisdom, but unfortunately i don't. i am glad that you found this site, i am a newbie myself, and in the short time that i have been on here, i don't feel so alone. i now know that i am not a bad parent and i don't have to be perfect just so that my son doesn't have a meltdown. lots of hugs your way amanda

 

[KFld]

Ant'smom is dead on with everything she said in her reply to you. You haven't caused your son to do what he is doing, but you can do whatever it takes to get him the help he needs, which is the process that has just begun.

Glad you found us!!

 

[nlg319]

My heart breaks for you and your family. I wish I had some words of wisdom but I am in such turmoil myself all I can offer is a wish that peace will come your way.You'll be in my thoughts all day!

 

[realangel]

Ngaire,

Stay strong my friend, fight for what you feel is right and most of all DON'T GIVE UP!! YOU have done nothing wrong, YOU have failed no one! The system fails us time and time again and its only when things get to breaking point that they (sometimes) realize and help us.

One day that 'monster' will realize you did everything in your power (and more) to save him, and thats when your relationship can begin to grow again.

:: HUGS ::

 

[Ngaire K]

Thank you so much to all your kind replys. I dont feel so alone with it now either :smile: or bad about my parneting, I know I have been a good Mum to him, its up to him now where he goes from here.
You have no idea you how much you have helped me to cope and deal with this. I have been dealing with extra grief because of my relationship breaking up too (it only happened 5 days ago, in the middle of this hell).. not so much because I miss my partner, cause there wasnt a lot of support for me in my relationship.. but more because THIS is all I have left :*( Dealing with this child from hell.
But I also realise it frees me up to be with someone more caring and supportive eventually.
It's not a good sign when strangers can support you more then your own partner does, it was time to get out, so I have no regrets. Never again will I end up with soneone who isnt capable of supporting me, lesson learned.

Things have gotten better with my son though, he spent nearly 24 hours in jail and came out a much deflated version of himself, which he needed! Amazing what a bit of pepper spray will do in showing someone they arent invincible, and jail and court to show that he is accountable for his actions. He isnt all better, but enough for now.
I had some time to calm, to reground while he was in jail. CYFs couldnt place him anywhere, even though they tried. I decided I wasn't ready to give up on him yet, had some more I could try. I also have read a book I had that I hadn't gotten around to reading called "GET OUT OF MY LIFE, but first take me and Alex into town - a parents guide to the new teenager" by Tony Wolf & Suzanne Franks. I highly recommend it, it talks about how its differnt this generation becasue they have been given so much more power as children in this age, that as teens they want even more, hence the no respect, and how to handle that. I have learnt some great strategies that are working.
I'm thinking of giving it to my father to read, cause he is really ANGRY about what my son is doing, and expressing it very loudly to me, which is NOT helping me!!
He is off to court tommorrow, I decided not to go with him because I DONT support what he did to me, so it is hard to sit in court to support him. He wasnt thinking of me when he did it, so natural consequences are that I wont support him. But as his Mum, my heart breaks for him. I know he has to GET this though, and my instincts say that this is the way.
Had some good news too.. I had lots of police people and the phsyciatrist they brought into assess him tell me what a great kid he was (I was shocked, he was in JAIL for what he did!) and that he would come thru all right. He doesnt have asperges (one less thing to cope with!) and he has agreed to go to counselling, yay! They are organising that too. The P said he doesnt have mental problems, just behavoural problems which he will probably grow out of, the danger is his size and strength and when he gets angry, he knows how big he is and has too much power.
Hes back to my loving son again (for now!), pleased to be back home with his family and not wanting to leave again in a hurray, though he is anxious about court tommorow of course. Lessons again.
Hes such a contradiction, is all snuggly to me now!
Thanks again :smile:
Ngaire

 

[Sunlight]

I hope his short stay in jail is emblazoned on his mind. good luck with him and with finding a suitable life partner.