Everyone says its not ME

[jennd23]

But why is S only a brat at home?!

I swear, I don't get it. At school/summer camp wherever he's fine, at grandma's he's a little angel, at dad's he's mostly good but for me....ugh. I don't get it? He hits me, screams at me, throws temper tantrums, he doesn't do this anywhere else. if its not ME, why does he only do it around me?

This morning was so bad. he's been at my parents a lot just due to the summer schedule, he stayed on vacation with them a few extra days while I came back to work, now he's going to camp at my mom's church so she's been picking him up and I'll pick him up @ their house.

Yesterday we went swimming, had a great time, then it was time to go and he left fine but on the walk back home (around the corner) he got mad, started calling names, hitting. We talked about it later and he said he wanted me to carry something, I reminded him he has to TELL me that or I don't know. Of course then he was mad at me for being rude and "trying to make him feel sad" (I wasn't being rude OR trying to make him sad just explaining how his behavior made me feel).

Then this morning he woke up in a bad mood, I left him alone and he was fine within a few minutes, he ate breakfast then when it was time to get dressed it started all over again. Crying, hitting, screaming. He said he's never listening to me again, and never talking to me again. When he asked for help I helped and he screamed that I was hurting him (which I wasn't and it wasn't a sensory issue, just being difficult), then when I said time for shoes he started swatting at me and calling me names again.

I just don't understand WHY he only does this at home? i don't mean to sound like my 7 yr old but "its not fair!" :'(

 

[TerryJ2]

I hear you! This is so typical.
You are the one he spends the most time with. For the longest time, my husband thought I was either complaining too much about "typical boy" behavior, or that I was too sensitive. And then, after therapy, I took the therapist's advice and began to take entire days off, and weeks off, to visit with-friends or stay at a hotel by myself. Guess what happened? husband got a boatload of ^($*.
Your son uses up all of his patience and skills with-other people. Plus, they probably don't make him do stuff, like pick up his messes, do homework, etc. Moms are usually the bad guys. And, as you mentioned in your note, he wanted you to carry something and you wouldn't. He expects more out of you because you're his mom.
It's so hard to see when you're in the middle of it.
I still have a hard time not taking it personally. One half of my brain tells me, in an intellectual way, xyz chapter of such and such a book says this is typical. The other half is screaming, "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

 

[jennd23]

The whole way to work I repeated "he's not doing it on purpose, he's not doing it on purpose" so I wouldn't cry the whole way in...it helps more on some days LOL

 

[AnnieO]

Hon - there is another thought, one of the reasons why I can accept (if not put up with) Onyxx's garbage toward me. As does husband.

She knows I love her. She knows that husband loves her. She knows that we may despise the behavior, but her, we love.

Even if, "consciously", she does not believe we love her. She says that we don't want her. It ain't her we don't want... It's the abuse, the self-destruction.

She did not act this way in BM's presence - because she was constantly struggling with her need for BM's love.

 

[InsaneCdn]

But why is S only a brat at home?!

Count yourself lucky... but its hard to see that when YOU get all of it! Trust me, its worse when when they are that way everywhere else... you end up losing supports and options because no one can handle the difficult child. on the other hand, when others see it, they actually have to believe you.

Ran into an interesting article a few years back (no idea where, now!) about "normal" kids and their "2-year-old behaviors" at home... Hmmm... you mean it isn't just the difficult children that have this problem?! Really. Its just that we get it worse than average parents. Kids generally try to step up to the situation in public, and spend significant energy and effort to do so. When they are at home, its the only safe place to recover... so, WE get the pushback etc. For "normal" kids... its fights over chores and music practice, etc., but its still there.

I keep reminding myself of that article these days. Yes, the pushback is worse. Yes, the problems are happening in public too. But its so easy to measure what goes wrong and miss what goes right... because we expect things to go right. And we expect things to go "right" at home too. Maybe the problem is my expectations? We've adjusted ours, significantly. Cut back on the number and intensity of activities, build far more scheduled down-time into our lives, and it pays off... but it isn't a cure-all. And there are downsides to restricting activity levels, too...!

The good news... the article went on to say that the best indicator we have as to where kids are headed as adults is how they behave in public settings. If he's holding it all together other than with you... he's probably going to make it into productive adult life.

Just wish I had better answers as to how to survive in the process!!

 

[CrazyinVA]

A wise person told me many years ago that my kids acted out more with me than with their dad because they felt safe with me. They knew that no matter what they did, my love was unconditional. They didn't feel that way around other people, particularly their dad who they were genuinely afraid of, so they were more likely to keep their behavior in check.

It doesn't help much when your child is screaming "I hate you, you ruined my life," but, I think there's some truth to it.

 

[HaoZi]

Safety. S knows your love is unconditional, and also feels safe venting in your presence instead of trying to internalize it.

 

[Wiped Out]

Jenn,
Sending some understanding hugs your way. My difficult child is a difficult child no matter where he is. He is even worse with me. husband gets it too but I get the worse. It really isn't you! Sounds like you need some "me" time!

 

[DammitJanet]

Well, I was lucky in that my difficult child was an all-purpose difficult child...lol. It didnt matter where he was, you simply got Cory, warts and all. Even after all these years when people ask me how my kids are doing I always just say, well, Cory...he is just Cory!