Everytime I think I have detachment down....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Mom2oddson, Jul 2, 2010.

  1. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    I have to start all over again.

    Once again I've been pulled into the vortex of pain that goes with a difficult child. I figure it's because we are reaching the one year anniversary of difficult child-S's running away. So, it's been a year since my In-laws, difficult child-S and my sister in law all stopped having anything to do with me. And it hurts. All because I had the audacity to demand my difficult child-S do her school work, do the dishes (I know Outrageous) and the totally unbelievable demand was that she had to continue her out-patient drug rehab program.

    And since husband got home at the end of May, difficult child-A has joined the group that has nothing to do with me. But, they do talk to husband occasionaly and even call my folks to talk regularly to tell them about their life. But, Me? Can't talk to me, can't answer a text from me....can't anything.

    I was doing so good at being detached and not letting it bother me, but this week, it all fell apart. So I'm back to square one on trying to detach from the whole thing.

    Do you ever get to a point where it's over? Where you no longer get pulled in and have to start over with the detaching thing?

    And to add to it, with as much pain as difficult child A & S have caused, I have friends ask me why do I still refer to them as my son and daughter and not as my step kids? How do you explain to someone that they are MY KIDS, not my step-kids. And it doesn't matter how much it hurts, I can't just stop loving them. But it is a lot easier when the detachment skills are working at their full potential.

    Thanks for letting me vent.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Lots of hugs.

    OK... My kids are still in the house... But they're MINE. Never mind that someone else gave birth to them. I will ALWAYS love the two of them like nothing else. Sometimes I feel rejected, by either Onyxx, or Jett, or both at once, and it hurts like the dickens.

    Detachment is hard... But we're here for you. More hugs.
  3. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Thank Step,

    I HAVE 3 kids! That is how I have, do, and always will look at it. And I guess that is what makes it hurt so much when they reject me. difficult child-S has always been my little girl and I thought we were close. Then last year she snapped and I became the evilest thing to walk the earth. And it really hurts that the sister in law that was my best friend sided with difficult child-S. I expected it from the In-laws, that is just how mother in law is, but my sister in law?

    The worst part about feeling so sad and hurt over all of this, a year later, is that I have so much to be thankful for in my Life. I have a fantastic husband who stands by me, knowing that his kids and Mom are the problem. The both of us have good jobs, a nice and now quiet home and 4 loving pets. My parents are beyond wonderful and supportive, couldn't ask for better. We have good friends. easy child is wonderful, doing great in college, has a terrific girl. There is so much to be happy about, but this week, the bad seems to have taken front and center stage in my life.

    Maybe it's just the holiday. We have always had multiple HUGE family functions during the 4th. Now, it will just be husband, easy child and I. I guess that is why it is so much front and center right now.
  4. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Do you ever get to a point where it's over? Where you no longer get pulled in and have to start over with the detaching thing?

    Very simply....
    1. When your difficult child is of a 'certain' age...for me it was 21.
    2. When the pain for caring and doing is MUCH more than the pain of detaching.

    It also helps to accept that you might have to get at least a little support in all of this...from a therapist, a wise and good friend, from reading material, group support like Al Anon or Families Anonymous (FA). Few can do this completely alone.
  5. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It gets... easier? But it's still incredibly difficult at times. I know that seems contradictory.. what I mean is, you get better at detaching over the long term ... even though there are still painful moments. It does help to have a good therapist and support system to get you through it.

    Hugs. I'm sorry this is one of those moments :(
  6. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry you are in such pain. Regardless of how well I am doing with handling my relationship with Wiz, there are times when the pain swamps me. Those times become fewer and fewer and shorter and shorter. I don't know if they ever go away completely though.

  7. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    in my humble opinion, detachment in this situation is MUCH different. This is a personal attack against you. Yes, you have to detach to survive it, but different then detaching from a difficult children day in and day out of GFGness.

    This detachment is like pretending they don't even exist in order to numb the pain. This is the hardest form of detachment. So, don't beat yourself up if/when you slip. I think it is inevitable to get emotional about this loss now and then. HUGS!
  8. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It hurts. Detachment is a means of coping - surviving, but it's not much of a bandaid for the heart. Eventually, though detachment, you will be able to release yourself from feeling responsible for other's behaviors, you will feel a sense of peace and freedom and you will be able to move forward. In time, the pain will lesson.

    In the meantime, grief is not something you can get around. You just have to walk through it.

    That's why were here. Most of us have been there with the hurt, even though each of our stories are different.

    Hang in there.
  9. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I feel very similarly to Dash. It's a learning process.
    It is not so much about the other person...although I think the other person might in the end learn something from your detaching.
    But I digress...
    It REALLY is much more about YOU and your ability to move forward in life/push through this great/severe difficulty.
    It is not easy, but it is something that has to be accepted and must be done.
    In the end, there will be rewards.
    There are tools to help you...you can use them...it seems like a great idea to do so. But in the end, YOU will have to push through to the other side.
    Like anything very difficult, it gets easier as you do it...with ocassional slip ups...that will happen less and less.
    It takes that first step. Then another...etc.
    It will be worth it...honestly.
    Lasted edited by : Jul 4, 2010