Ex wants to help difficult child ..but not really

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by troubled, May 11, 2011.

  1. troubled

    troubled Guest

    I got a call from my ex. He was obviously drunk and feeling guilty. He wants me to tell difficult child that when she gets out of jail he would let her stay in the empty apt on his mother's property for a couple months if she is willing to get up everyday at 7am and work and she has to break up with current boyfriend that we all hate.

    I seriously don't think difficult child would work for him or get a job and he admits beating her the last time she stayed with him. She would have to be really desperate to have anything to do with him at all unless he's offering her something with no strings attached. He thinks she will end up dead if we don't help her somehow because she is so screwed up.

    I'm thinking I'm not going to tell her anything about the ex's offer. The fact remains that she is homeless and has no where to go once she is out of jail. She can't go to the womens homeless shelter because that's where she was when she was accused of stealing in the first place. Where do you think she might be able to go? A different homeless shelter?

    Her only plan is to hop on a bus and leave the state and be homeless in the state where her boyfriend lives so she can at least see him but she still has no ID, no soc sec card, no birth certificate, nothing but a storage unit full of clothes and toys that she has to pay $50 a month for. She's been asking her paternal Grandma to use her savings bond money to pay for that.
  2. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I would tell ex that if he wants to make her an offer thats fine but you want no part of it...

    Good luck
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Wow ex admits to beating your difficult child...I don't think difficult child should be anywhere near the man.

  4. troubled

    troubled Guest

    I agree with her not having anything to do with him but I think she might go there if she has no other choices and blame everyone else for not offering her a safe place to stay. She also would like to get revenge for all the things he did to both she and I and I've warned her not to. He could kill her in some drunken rage and blame it on his mental illness.

    I do want to stay out of it. I've no desire to have anything to do with him at all. I called him months ago only to find out what he had to do with difficult child ending up in jail and he said all he did was drop her off at a corner with some money and she was supposedly trying to find her friends house to stay at. He didn't know why she was arrested and when I told him that she was in jail, his first words were, "Good! That's a good place for her!". I was ****** that he said it like that.
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    She should be able to get into another shelter I would imagine.

    Don't blame you a bit for not wanting her near ex. doesn't sound like a good idea at all. Hopefully somewhere else can be found instead.

  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I agree with you on staying out of it...let him make the offer if he wants. Sounds like a bad situation all the way around.

    Sending hugs. Hopefully difficult child will have a viable plan besides hopping on that bus.
  7. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I agree, stay out of it. It's difficult to do, but try. Let him make the offer himself-don't even mention it to difficult child.

    As for his comment about jail being good for her, what did he mean? Was it said in terms of difficult child having a roof over her head, food and distance from the boyfriend? Because, if so, I would almost agree. Jail isn't the place we want any of our kids to end up, but sometimes it can be for their own safety (and others).

    When does difficult child get released? Doesn't the jail provide them with names of shelters if there is no family involved or does that vary from state to state? My friends 22y/o daughter was released after a 6 month sentence and they gave her a list of possible shelters. However, she ended up back in her 47y/o's boyfriend's apt and he was/is abusive.

    My ex was always giving me advice about difficult child when she was at her worst. Thing is, difficult child was just like him at her worst...and just like him, there was no getting through to her. The rest of the time, he had no real interest except on holidays when he could bring them to family gatherings and show them off. I hope your difficult child has taken this time to grow up a little and get her life together. Big hugs to you.
  8. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I would not get involved. Such a sad situation for your daughter though even if it was of her own making. It is hard to make good choices when confronted with so many poor alternatives. I am hoping she finds another shelter and gets into a program where she can have support and work toward her own independance. I continue to pray for all of our difficult child's. May they learn that life doesn't have to be so hard on them and those that care about them. -RM
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I agree, I wouldn't say a word to her about his offer. That would be the worst place for her to go stay if he admits to beating her in the past. She's better off living on the streets in my opinion.
  10. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Joining the chorus: you are right not to say anything to her about ex's offer. Chances are he'll feel differently when not drunk and maudlin, and he may not even remember he called you about it. If he wants to he can track her down and talk to her himself. If she then accepts there is nothing you can do to stop it, except maybe try to make her to see that he'll abuse her again - but as we know if a difficult child gets something in her head, no amount of reason and logic can dislodge it. I'm sorry that she has put herself in such a bad position, with no good options, and that ex is re-injecting himself into the already-toxic mess.
  11. troubled

    troubled Guest

    I think the ex's comment was made while he was drunk and he was concerned about her running around homeless. It's just the way he said it - "GOOD!" that got to me. He said, "YOU know what she's like!" as if that was an excuse to beat her like he did. I can't stand him. Now that I have caller ID I can avoid talking to him altogether.

    difficult child told my sister that her court date is June 20 so she might be released then. difficult child wants to be with her boyfriend in another state although she will also be homeless there and the only person she knows there is his family, who has warned her not to step foot on their property. I was hoping the judge would order her to have an evaluation or put her in some sort of program but now I'm thinking none of that is going to happen and difficult child will just take up where she left off before she was arrested and put in jail.

    Yes, she is a lot like her father when it comes to her thinking and planning. Her plans are usually unrealistic, unattainable and she refuses to listen to reason. Her attitude is that if you don't want to give her what she wants then she has no use for you. She is a predator and has her sights set on getting control of her boyfriend because with him comes his SSI income and she thinks she can live comfortably on that and neither of them has to work. She wants to get SSI too but she has done nothing so far to sign up for it or even get her birth certificate or soc sec card and she has no personal identification. Her soc sec card and her birth certificate went missing after she went out of state to stay with her boyfriend at his parents home and then was told not to come back - they shipped her suitcases back here to my sister's home without her permission!