I fell in love with husband because of his kindness toward me, he was a gentleman who knew how to open doors and all the rest for a woman. Honestly, we became friends quickly, very quickly. Once upon a time we could talk about all sorts of things and talk for hours.
Sadly these other traits were there all along, I was just too head over heels and too blindly in love to see them for years. When I love someone it's unconditional, all or nothing. No middle ground. I'll give you 100 percent and you'll also have 100 percent of my loyalty, which itself is almost impossible to break.
My mother pointed out these odd traits from the beginning. But being young and in love.......not to mention her horrid track record with men.......I refused to believe her. Didn't help that Mom hates the spouses or significant others of ALL her children. She'll pick even the best of them to death.
Now having been raised by my grandmother, I grew up with a very old fashioned mindset. I was determined to be a stay at home Mom and raise my own kids while husband worked. Other reason for this is that 99 percent of the time my own mother was single....pawning her kids off to other people......while we did without even most of the basics and she always seemed to have money for herself to go have a grand time. My mother never attended a single school function no matter how important it was. It was a miracle she made it to the graduations of the 3 kids who actually graduated.
So having that old fashioned mindset.........I also ran my household in the old fashioned way, under my grandmother's and aunts examples. (the only ones I really had to work with) And in all honesty..........I spoiled the living hades out of husband. My home was utterly spotless. Seriously you could eat off the floors. Meals were catered to HIM and what HE liked and he got to eat the lion's share because he was the bread winner and had to stay healthy in order to work and bring in the paycheck. I waited on him hand and foot, literally. At first because I loved him, I appreciated him, and I was happy. Eventually it became purely out of habit. A learned behavior. When he was around the kids grated on his nerves. I did what it took to keep them out from under his feet and to pacify him to a limit. (the kids did not suffer do to his demands, I refused to go that far) I mean the man worked all day, he was entitled to relax when he came home. He chose what was watched on tv. He chose when and where we went or even if we went. (this part didn't last long it got old fast) Because he made money vanish........and for the first many years convinced me it was ME and not HIM.........the kids did without, I did without many basic needs including medical care if we were sick because of course there was never any money to cover it even with insurance. But if husband was sick even with a sniffle I'd have had to tie him down to keep him out of a doctor office, money magically appeared for HIS medications, and of course there was always money for things he wanted including clothing. (the man has until very recently had clothes to rival any woman....40 prs of underwear and sock alone omg!) I could never have a car because of course we couldn't afford it. I could go on and on.
By the time the love blinders came off I was almost 10 yrs into the marriage. I had a son that no one would babysit. No one. I tried it once, my good friend at the time, she whipped him with a coat hanger after spending 2 hrs with him. That ended that. I wouldn't subject any of my children to abuse just so I could get out of a bad marriage. And although the blinders were off........God help me I still loved him. Yep. I can love to a fault. I knew the man had been cheating on me all during the marriage. I had undeniable proof. But I refused to believe it. Who cheats on a woman who treats him like a f-ing king?
When I suspected he'd had an affair with my best friend at the time.....oh about 12 yrs into the marriage.......the love began to falter and die. You see, while all of this behavior was present......husband was still pretty good at covering alot of it up.
One of the biggies was when he lost a grand job. He actually had his Mom pay our rent/utilities for a whole year while he drew unemployment (lied to her and I and said he didn't) and on top of that borrowed 3000.00 or more from her to go back to college. HA! Within 2 wks I knew he was lying. We moved from dayton down to here during that time.
My neighbor kept catching husband in town when he was supposed to be at work. She was a very good friend, but kept her mouth shut cuz she didn't know how I'd react. Then Travis spotted him from the school bus one morning when he was supposed to be at work. (he should've already been at work) So I asked neighbor........she told me all the times she saw him around town and then he'd come home like always and say something stupid like what a horrible day at work he had.
That's when the big blow out happened. When I forced him to face mother in law about all the sh*t he'd pulled for all those years. The stealing money from the family. The not paying rent/bills cuz he knew she'd give him the money........the whole bit. And put my foot down if she ever loaned him another dime there would be a divorce and she could have his sorry *ss back! mother in law sided with me and 99 percent of that stopped.
By that time the love had died enough that I could've cared less who he slept with. I wasn't jealous, couldn't drum up even an ounce of jealousy. Then bff caught his mistress parking in front of the house. Another big blow out. Told him the next time that b*tch parked in front of my house I'd drag him out by the ear and tell her she could HAVE him! Stopped that.
He was unbelievable during the K and grandkids bit. I won't go there. Just trust me. But due to his behavior........I had to take a real hard look at whether this man actually has the capability to love his own offspring.
Then I got run over by the truck. And my entire Life changed.
You'll have to bare with me for this part.........I still have memory isues and much of this came from the kids.
I have 2 shattered shoulders and a fractured skull. I'm careflighted to Miami Valley hospital because I had no blood pressure and wasn't expected to LIVE. Fortunately for me the medication staff was able to finally stabilize my b/p. husband followed the ambulance and told easy child to stay home. He would not allow Travis or Nichole to come. Seriously? Guess how long he stayed? Maybe 2 hrs. I know because easy child got sister in law's mom to watch Nichole and Travis and came anyway. And that 2 hrs..........well maybe 15 min if you count all the times he went outside for smoke breaks.
I go to my room about midnight. husband had talked very preggers easy child (with Darrin) into going home long before that and he himself went home hours before that. People I kid you not......I couldn't think for myself. I couldn't move either arm for any reason. I came very close to dying. And my husband went home because he was TIRED!
Then he called off work. Of course he told them what happened and that he needed to be with me. He forced the younger 2 to go to school the next day. They still hadn't seen me since the accident. He came to the hospital. Sure he did. Best estimation is that he stayed 20 mins tops. He then goes home and tells my kids THAT I DON'T WANT THEM TO VISIT ME CUZ I DON'T WANT THEM TO SEE ME THAT WAY!
Ok. I can't so much as lift a glass of water to my mouth, which means I also can't feed myself. If it weren't for the IV I'd have been in bad shape. I didn't even have the presence of mind to inform a nurse that I couldn't feed myself. husband didn't come back to see me until I was ready for discharge..........yet he lied to the kids and told them he was coming. But they knew he was lying because the trip there and back takes about 3 hrs and he would only be gone 2 hrs at most.
husband was still off work when I got discharged. He took FMLA. Well maybe that would've been great except he played on the computer the whole time. Seriously. No joking. He kept trying to OD me on my medications (muscle relaxants and serious pain medications) to the point that I had to take over giving them to myself and writing down when I took them because my short term memory was basically non existent.
Bad? Oh, it gets better. When I tell him after a few days of this non care he is going back to work..........He starts nagging and b*tching about where is his clean laundry, can't go to work in dirty clothes......what's for supper? he can't cook.....he doesn't know how to cook........... So with 2 shattered shoulders and a skull fracture I get up and start doing what I had done every day for more than 20 yrs. The same thing I did after every major kidney surgery and Nichole's C section. I cleaned my by that time filthy house, I did laundry, I cooked........in total agony, tears running down my face.
Now you're thinking to yourself WTH did she do that for? Remember........I had severe brain damage. I was not in my right mind and I freely admit it. I did it on automatic. I did it because someone had to do it..
But while I love to a fault and if you ever gain my loyalty it will take an earth shattering event to kill it............... Something inside of me snapped while I lay in that bed in the hospital unable to care for myself with no visitors, not even 1 phone call from my mother or my sibs. I will tell you I have never felt so unloved and unwanted in my entire life. I have never felt so utterly, totally and completely
alone. And I realized.......................
husband does not love me. He never has.
I seriously doubt he is capable of loving anyone.
I had spent 21 yrs with a man who didn't even
care about me, let alone love me.
Twenty-one yrs of memories only verified what it took getting run over by a truck to prove so totally. And I grieved. I grieved for the life we could have had together if he had only been capable of caring, even just a little bit. I grieved for the father the kids could've had if only he'd been capable of honestly loving and wanting them. I cried for all the heartache and misery I'd gone through for nothing.
And every ounce of love I ever felt for the man died.
Once I recovered from the accident physically..........nothing was ever the same again. I cooked what ever I d*mn well felt like cooking. husband could eat it or starve. If I didn't feel like doing his laundry, he'd better do it or go naked. I looked at him with utter and complete contempt or outright laughed at him when he expected me to wait on him hand and foot. If the kids got on his nerves I told him to shut up and svck it up and live with it, it's THEIR house too. I did as I d*mn well pleased and if husband didn't like it I'd tell him to kiss my *ss. I am the one who chose the house to buy. He never got a dime of the settlement money........except the small portion he managed to weedle out of me while my brain was still very addled. When we moved into this house Nichole wanted a puppy. husband had a tantrum (we already had Rowdy and Molly) so I went right out and got her Lil Bit from the pound. *ok so that turned out to be a mistake...........and we had to put her down.........but I also adopted and found good homes for like 4-6 other pups and dogs that summer just because it drove him insane*
The topper for husband: we've not had a sex life since the day I was hit by the truck. I won't let him near me. No snuggling. He might, if he's lucky, get a dry peck on the lips depending on my mood. I was considerate enough to hug him when his mother died.
About 4 yrs ago his long standing mistress dumped him evidently for good. Hahaha, sorry that just makes me laugh. He's not found a replacement unless it's someone standing on a corner. His problem not mine.
Also 4 yrs ago because I knew that I no longer loved him........I went back to school. I had no clue given my sometimes serious issues with memory, dyslexia.....and a few other hangons from the head injury......not to mention my health in general with the terminal kidney disease......if it would get me anywhere. I'd made the decision that I'd lived with him that long, that I could stick it out until I had an education and the kids were grown and gone.
After reading this you're probably thinking why the hades don't I just walk out the door and never come back? Believe it or not after you've invested 27 yrs in something......that's not the easiest thing in the world to do even when it makes perfect sense. So I decided I'd do the school, see if I could achieve one of my kick the bucket things from my list (nursing) and then once able to support myself make up my mind.
I am not completely heartless. husband knows the score. He was told when I started school the reason why and what he needed to do in order to stay and co-exist together. Believe me, it wasn't that much......and non of it was on an emotional level as I had come to realize he isn't capable of that. And evidently he is not even capable of what little I did ask of him.
Yes. My mind is made up. He made the choice himself, I didn't really have to decide. Even if once I get the dentures I have to go to work as an aide to get the money together for my state boards.......I will take them and I will pass them. I will go to work as a nurse and will work as long as I possibly can. I hope to at least do summer work out in South Dakota in some of the clinics on the Indian reservations.......I'm sure they could use the help and I'd love every minute. Although how I'll get there is a problem that would have to be solved. And I have friends who can help me solve it if I really want to do it. I want to go back to my people and my culture and would be in heaven to be able to totally immerse myself in it.......even if it's just for the summers. Something I had to stop several years ago because husband ...........well.........let's just say it got to be utterly embarrassing and leave it there.
There will be a divorce. And yes it hovers to the max that I pretty much wasted almost 30 yrs of my life on a person who can not care for anyone except himself. And yes I have a cut throat lawyer who husband absolutely loathes. lol And I do plan to use him again. It can be like the 1st time we divorced and nice and civil. Or after almost 30 yrs of hades.......I can make it a living hades for him. His choice too.
I will not give him my house. I'm sure a judge will understand why. I will not give him the antique furniture his mother left to me to care for.......even if I have to give it to the girls early to prevent him from getting it.
He will be utterly alone in the world. His brother and his wife can't stand him, same for their grown kids. His own children can barely tolerate being around him for an hour or 2. Even his grandkids don't like him. And he did it all himself.
I will never understand how someone can be so utterly and completely pathetic, so self absorbed that they destroy everything good in their life.
And because he IS a difficult child? None of it will be his fault.
And because I no longer have any feelings for him? I sooooooo totally don't give a d*mn.
