Excuse me pt. 2 - so we can read it

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by mstang67chic, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    TM, you're fine, really.

    To be honest, I think I've hit the wall. I am angry all the time; even when I'm faking it around others, it's still there. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to go anywhere but I don't want to be here either. The last few days, I've pretty much lost all of my enthusiasm for Christmas and I love Christmas. Right now....I truly don't give a flying fig. I'm going to TN and GA with my dad, step-mom, sibs and the niece as well as step-mom's brother (one of my favorite people) and his girlfriend. I don't friggin care. husband always complains about how much time I spend on the computer but has really had an issue with it lately. I told him just a bit ago basically what I said here, then pointed to the computer and said, "This...this is mindless. I don't have to do anything, I don't have to decide anything, I don't have to deal with anything. I don't have to think at all. It's totally mindless."

    I'm not at the end of my rope.....the rope is long gone. I'm done. We have a meeting tomorrow re difficult child and his snowball's chance in hades of graduating. Again. I don't care. I'll go because I'm supposed to but I don't care. I'm really and truly done.

    I'm supposed to take something out to my mom's for my aunt. I don't want to. It too is basically a mindless task in itself but I have to plan a time for husband to help pick the thing up at my aunt's, take it to mom's, pretend to have a nice conversation, blah blah blah. I. Don't. Want. To.

    I'm on the verge of tears right now and have been for a couple of days. I never cry.

    I'm finding myself very short tempered with the cat and the dogs and they aren't doing anything wrong or different than any other day.

    I get to see my niece Tuesday and again during the trip from Saturday to Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it but not nearly as much as I normally would. We'll be at step-mom's parents house in GA for a few days. I've not yet been there but have seen pictures. It's a beautiful house, it's in the mountains and sm's parents are wonderful people. They are going to drive me batty. The sibs....going to drive me batty. Sm's brother's girlfriend who I get along famously with....all of them....they are going to drive me absolutely insane but if I don't get out of this house for a few days, I honestly don't know what will happen.

    I feel like I'm going crazy.

    And I know you guys and what may be going through your heads. No....I'm not at all suicidal, just.....I don't know.....apathetic?
  2. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok- this one I can read and respond to.

    Mstang- I saw a psychiatric several years ago who told me that many women tend to focus all their lives on the family, work, household, etc, then absolutely lose it at some point because the didn't do anything to address their own needs, desires, etc. I didn't think I had any choice but that's a different matter.

    The point is, it sounds like you have denied yourself so long that you now you can't handle doing that any longer. So, do what you need to do- take your space and time and whatever makes YOU feel better. Don't feel guilty - try not to feel angry- but try not to make any permanent decisions right now.

    That's my 2 cents anyway- and of course, vent, vent, vent!!!
  3. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    That's the thing....I do. I read, I buy myself little things, I get greedy with my chocolate, I go get my eyebrows done and then wander through Barnes & Noble for a few hours. I go places...heck...I went to Vancouver last year, to Cleveland this year and to a book convention. I go see family in Ohio....I do things. No, I may not do LOTS for myself...I need another pair or two of jeans for example but I do things. And sometimes I do things and then feel guilty because of how much I've done recently when husband has a rotten work schedule and doesn't go anywhere out of town. I get an opportunity to leave...pfft....I'm gone. Here's the unemployment card for groceries husband, let the dogs out when you get home....see you! And I feel guilty for THAT too because not only does husband have the normal things to stress him out on top of difficult child things, but he also has his schizophrenic mother to care for with help from only 1 out of his 3 sibs.
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok- then what do YOU think would make you feel better? Or do you feel ok already and you just want some space?

    Do you think you and husband could try a weekend alone- just the two of you- locked in a cabin with a fireplace and bottle of wine? Or would you kill him?
  5. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Short of having my house back...I don't know.
  6. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Ok- how about sending everyone out for a few days and you staying home?
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    How's the cigarette-habit-kicking-business going for you? Sounds like you're depressed, or going through withdrawals, or both. There's a pill for that, ya know? :tongue:

    I'm sorry you're fit to burst. I know how it feels. What worked for me might not work for you, but in my case in entailed a dosage adjustment.
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I replied on the other post as well.

    This is exactly why my sims game became so darn important to me. It was the only accessible means of escape I had. I could zone in on the computer completely and ignore alot of what was going on around me. In my sims game I could create a nice normal family with a nice house who lived nice quiet normal lives..........

    There were of course times even the game couldn't help. And those times I usually either took off on foot or hopped in the car and went somewhere to actually physically escape for a while. This was when I was to the point of wanting to physically hurt someone. Those shoot 'em up kill em games are great for such moments.

    Seriously........I think the trying to kick cigarettes has seriously intensified what was already going on. Smokes were one of your main coping mechanisms and you've removed it. You may have to try and find something to take their place.

  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    'Stang, yes it does sound like a mega-dose of depression. As a first step I'd suggest a trip to your GP for a checkup. Check your thyroid. Check hormones to see if you are experiencing some peri-menopause symptoms. That kind of thing. Rule out and/or treat anything physical that might be complicating matters, then treat for psychological impact if necessary.

    Big hugs,
  10. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    Truely stang, this sounds hormonal........ are you taking any medications that could contribute to this? I would doubt you are premenopausal, but when I went thru "the change" I was more emotional and cranky....... when I was done it got so much better and I am glad to be done with ..........s (that means periods). I'm not saying you are going thru menopause, just saying hormonal changes can cause some of these feelings you are having.......
  11. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Could be hormones or depression. Before I started my medications I was similiar to that about 80% of the time, now it has dropped to 50%--think we need to bump medications but whatever.

    Quitting smoking is hard too. I found a little store where I can buy single cigs (yes it is legal here, they are packaged in little plastic tubes.) and I go buy 2 when I have a carpy day.

    I would go see your doctor. Hugs.
  12. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    First thing that went through my mind is depression. Your hot temper is the result and so is your apathy and tearyness. I went through it a couple of years ago. It sounds like what you are describing is exactly what I experienced. I went on an AD for several months and then I was fine (though I think I might be backsliding again). You may need an AD for a short time.
  13. ML

    ML Guest

    Perimenopause can start for some in their late 30s. It started for me in my early 30s and at 45 I was done.

    It sounds to me like hormones, depression and a natural reaction to the accommodations you've had to make in your life for a difficult child. Perhaps a tad bit of nicotine withdrawal as well if that wasn't enough. Of course you're at the end of your rope, it's amazing you've hung on as long as you have.

    Do whatever it takes and do keep an open mind about medications. I am a different woman on my AD now. It also helps I'm through menopause but the hormone patch I wear now introduces a wee bit of PMS here and there.

    I'm just so sorry you're hurting. Sending supportive hugs and prayers.


  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    'Stang, I agree with the others that it might be depression. Ultimately, it sounds to me like you're suffering from what used to be called "battle fatigue", back in World War II.

    Your difficult child is so much like mine, only yours is still living under your roof. So, you're on high alert all the time, you live in lockdown, and you know that even with all the precautions you're taking, your things and your space will still be violated, likely on a near-daily basis. When your husband starts doing it too, it's enough to send you right over the edge.

    Sending many hugs your way,
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    Depression, stress, hormones, nicotine withdrawal = KABOOM!

    Personally, I go to a place in my head. You know, it says in my sig that I like it in my world. I really do.

    In MY world, it is late spring all the time - warm, but not scorching, and the trees and flowers are in full bloom. There are rolling hills with grass as soft as carpet, and a babbling brook at just the right temperature to soak my feet in. The sky is the color of a brilliant blue sapphire without a cloud in sight. Birds are singing peacefully - but no crows cause they make an awful sound - bunnies are frolicking, squirrels are scampering, and the dog doesn't bark every time a cricket farts. Because there are no crickets here. Because the noise they make makes me want to come out of my skin. Oh, wait...back to my world. Pink, purple and yellow butterflies flit about, as I lie back on the grass with my feet dipped in the water; and I sigh peacefully as I bask in the sun, warmth and quiet.

    Cause there is NO ONE here but me.

    But, way on the other side of the rolling hills, where you can't see it from here, is a sinkhole. And that's where everyone who intrudes on me goes. :D

    Seriously, a talk with a therapist couldn't hurt. And getting husband on the same page on a plan for difficult child - for an alternate living environment - is paramount. I think you're really going to have to drive that point home. You simply cannot live like this anymore.
  16. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    You've been given some great advice, and I don't have much to add.

    I do have a spare horse and saddle. Its cold, but its not windy...its good therapy for me.

    I hope you find something to calm your nerves. Til then, just sending a hug.

    (And come on down if you wanna try horse therapy...)
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Just hugs. I've been there. And it ain't pretty.
  18. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    A few weeks ago, I think I could have written the same feelings you expressed--like so many have already postulated, I figured I was experiencing stress, depression, hormones, etc...

    BUT an un-expected request from husband kind of snapped me out of it.

    He asked me to paint the bathroom. Doesn't that sound dumb? But he phrased it as if the walls in the bathroom were getting so dingy-looking. Did I think I could paint and wallpaper? AND he offered to clean the mold and mildew and grungy stuff first! (What a guy!!!)

    Anyway, I think the point was it made me feel good to be needed as something OTHER than difficult children mother. It was a project I knew I could do....and I could do a fantastic job...and I knew it would be noticed and appreciated (as opposed to all the other thankless tasks I do around here).

    Maybe you don't need to "treat" yourself...with goodies or therapy...maybe, like me--you just need to feel a sense of worth and meaning, of accomplishment.

    Is there anyone (besides your family) that needs a project done? Something that YOU would be especially good at? Something that they would appreciate more than anything?

    I'll bet it would help lift your spirits....

  19. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    Can I take the horse to the warm rolling hills in Heather's world??? And are these hills near a beach with Raoul??? Horse therapy does sound wonderful right now. I have only ridden a very few times and haven't been on a horse in years but that sounds perfect.

    Thank you everyone, really. I'm feeling a bit better today but it's still there, you know?

    I think I'm due for my yearly next month and definately will talk to my NP about all of this. She's really good and LISTENS so we'll figure something out. I'll probably also get something scheduled with a counselor after Christmas. If nothing else...I need to get a reign on my temper.

    I don't have an aversion to AD's or anything like that but it's just that I'm already on 3 - 4 daily pills and hate the thought of adding more. It's making me feel old! (The 4th is if I remember....a booster for my Ritalin)

    I definately need to do something. I felt absolutely HORRIBLE last night. I had a mini blow up at difficult child and poor Chester was peeking out from behind husband GROWLING AT ME. I nearly bawled and I get teared up just thinking about it now. Normally the dogs will run for the hills when I go off but he's never growled at me before. I did a major apology snuggle with him and he slept in his usual spot, plastered against me but I still feel like slime today because of it.

    I don't want you guys to worry either if I'm not on much the next few days. We have a meeting later (I'm sure I'll post about that though), I've got some deliveries for an old boss tomorrow morning, Christmas at Dad's later tomorrow and errands to run before Christmas and the trip. (I leave Saturday and will be home sometime Tuesday evening next week.) In between all of that I have wrapping to finish, normal shopping stuff (I really need to get some ice melt for my front steps before I bust my behind) and normal daily grind. My new phone should be here either today or tomorrow and I'm looking forward to that. Also, I've heard rumors that I'm getting an mp3 player for Christmas so there IS some excitement going on....it's just mixed in with Queen Demon Stang.

    As for husband, I feel rotten for him too. I had him read this post last night to explain it better to him. He gets it, he does, but HE'S feeling bad because he can't fix it for me. He's actually on the verge of calling difficult child's bio grandma and asking her to take difficult child. I just don't think it's a reasonable option personally. She might do it, she loves him. But...she's already raised his older brother and would expect the same thing out of difficult child that we do and I KNOW she wouldn't get it. (respect, adherance to house rules, contributions to the household in some way, a JOB, etc.) Besides, he's going to lose his insurance and medications. I don't want to hand over a soon to be unmedicated difficult child. I don't know....I guess we'll have to see what happens with the school meeting and go from there. But husband HAS gotten a lot better, he's just got more patience at this point than I do. Plus, while he's gotten that he can't fix difficult child, he still has the fixer mentality for other things. God love him....he's a good man and it just kills him that things have turned out this way even after all we've done. I feel bad that I'm taking things out on him but we'll get through it, that I do know.

    Thank you guys again. I don't know what I would have done over the years if I hadn't found this place.

    KOI!!! I'm going now....even THAT made me get teary!!! I feel like such a ...a....GIRL!!!! :slap:
  20. mstang67chic

    mstang67chic Going Green

    DF, you snuck in on me.

    Heh. There are projects HERE that need done....I just have no desire to do them. But you're right...I think that is playing a part too. I'm out of a job, AGAIN, and the reason for it has reaked havoc with my ego and self esteem. I think I need to just get through Christmas and New Years and then take stock. There are things I know I need to do but won't really be able to till January. Then there are also things that I really need to wait and see what happens before doing anything. *sigh* Wait and see is a place I've never been very comfortable with. I like to make plans and go.